By elephantjournal.com

on Apr 20, 2009

Abundance Mastery: What I Learned From “Going Broke” by Claire Burstein

I thought I knew what abundance was about.  I thought it meant being able to buy what I wanted, when I wanted it.  I thought it meant having an abundance of things, eating out whenever I chose, traveling here and there and everywhere, buying the latest gadgets, having my own posh place.  It wasn’t until I went broke that I learned a truer meaning of abundance.

Life as a child was terrifying.  My father appreciated the finer things in life, but couldn’t hold down a job.  My mother scraped all her energy together to support herself, my volatile father and her four children.  I had my first job at the age of 12.  I made $20 a month by delivering the local Thursday paper.  I went on to work at various other jobs and built a nice resume for myself, but I never had enough to save money and when I got my first credit card at 18, I began living beyond my means. 

I left for San Francisco in 2001 to attend the School of Music and Dance at San Francisco State University.  I got lost in my studies and racked up quite a credit card bill and student loans that I wasn’t sure I could pay back.  My father gave me a monthly allowance, which covered a good portion of my monthly expenses, but I was still whipping out the plastic constantly.  I had no budget worked out for myself.  It wasn’t long before my credit card bill and monthly payments were enormous.  I gave up my car, which helped somewhat, but life in San Francisco was expensive.  Life as a student was expensive and the strings attached with the monthly allowance were tight and painful.  It made for an extremely strained relationship with my father.  At the same time, I didn’t see any other way.  My studies were quite intensive and I couldn’t see how I’d be able to work in addition to taking classes.

The thought of being a music teacher terrified me, but that was the course I’d chosen and I decided to stick with it.  I knew I’d need something else to keep me going financially, though.  One thing led to another and I ended up charging quite a bill on jewelry-making supplies, sure that I’d make a nice profit from selling my creations.  My father was pissed and threatened to cut off my monthly allowance.  His anger spurred my defiance and I was so angry with him.  I found myself picking up the phone to call him one day, normally a dreaded activity.  I remember him saying “you’re a fool if you think you can support yourself by designing jewelry”, after which I promptly hung up the phone.  He died three days later of heart failure at the age of 53.  It was quite a shock as his health was not poor.  That last conversation was a painful and festering wound in my spirit.

My father was great at investing money and he told me that if anything happened to him, I would be taken care of.  Suddenly I was an heiress.  I had a fortune.  I inherited over four hundred thousand dollars.  I planned to put myself through grad school and do all sorts of things with that money.  Working and supporting myself was really important to me.  I was still in school, though, and had two years left to complete my degree.  I was in no position to get a job aside from the once a week gig I had doing care-giving.  Besides, I had plenty of cash in the bank and the most important things to me were gearing up for my senior recital and establishing my jewelry design business. 

I bought a brand new car for myself and a nice used one for my mom.  I put together a memorable and lavish senior vocal recital that took place in February of 2005, after which I decided to take a semester off from school.  My jewelry design idea got pushed aside when I decided to study interior design and feng shui.  I threw myself, and my money, into that with full force, practicing first on myself and my own apartments. 

I thought nothing of spending five hundred here, a thousand there.  I invested heavily in a friend’s business that I thought would yield a high return on investment. So far, I haven’t seen a penny and it’s four years later.  I did invest in myself, in teaching myself a trade, in seeking spiritual therapy from various sources, in living the high life in San Francisco.  I was high on spending.  I had so much freedom!  I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted.  I could live on my own.  I studied at two prestigious feng shui schools, I had come very close to completing my degree at SFSU.  I planned to go back and finish the degree, but I had moved on to other things and was satisfied with what I’d accomplished. 

I got used to doing things my way.  Although I practiced feng shui on myself and other people, I was waiting for that golden moment when I would finally feel confident enough to charge for my services.  I was sure that once I did, the clients would come pouring in and I’d have plenty of cash to support myself with.  In the meantime, an average of $4000 a month was slipping through my fingers.  I feared the day the money would run out.  I knew it was coming.  Strangely, I also welcomed that day, as it was symbolic to me of letting my father go.  He had always sought to control me through his purse strings.  Of course, I played along, not knowing that there was any other way. 

I had quite a resistance to finding what my father would have called a “real job”.  I wanted to focus solely on building my practice and feared that if I took time away from that, I’d never get anywhere.  I did have occasional work and I spent much time seeking more, but I believe that I didn’t manifest it because I didn’t really want it.  The money was running out and I wasn’t bringing much in.  There was a point at which I panicked because I only had $30K left in the bank!  That money ran out, after which I sold my car for a solid $19K.  That was gone in less than three months somehow.  I had finally made peace with the fact that I needed a job.  Then, two weeks before my birthday, a sudden and debilitating back injury left me unable to walk and I missed out on a great job that I was counting on for my financial salvation because I wasn’t physically able to do it.  

On the night before my thirtieth birthday, I had just enough cash to throw a party for myself and it was great.  I had a nice spread of food and close friends surrounding me, but I was in pain, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I broke down crying in the middle of playing my favorite game because I was preoccupied with my financial situation and sad that I couldn’t afford to take myself out for dinner and a movie on my actual birthday, which was the next day.  I was seriously broke.  I was living on funds that my mom could barely afford to loan me, being disabled herself.  I said goodbye to my friends and went to sleep feeling a mixture of gratitude for their coming and shame for not being fully present at my own party.  I went to sleep feeling forlorn.

I awoke on Sunday, February 17th, 2008 a year older and with a sense of clarity.  I believe in the power of transitions and decided that this was my chance to turn things around, to focus my energy in a new direction.  I decided that, rather than focusing on what I couldn’t do, I’d focus on the abundance of what already surrounded me.  I wanted to make it a day of giving thanks and setting the tone for a new type of existence. 

I had the house to myself that day and I took full advantage of it.  I did many feng shui enhancements, using items that I had at home, setting my intention for the days ahead; I wrote in my journal, spinning an “attitude of gratitude”, I danced around the house and sang songs from my repertoire.  I watched videos from my collections, and I cooked a wonderful meal and experimented with a new dessert recipe.  I reveled in the abundance of what I already had been blessed with. 

Admittedly, being broke put a financial toll on my mother that I would not have wished for and took a toll on me, too.  There are days that I wish I had that money to play with or use for practical purposes, but I see spending my entire inheritance as a necessary part of my journey and my spiritual development.  It taught me to trust in myself and my higher power.  It also allowed for a kind of expansion and awareness that I might not have experienced otherwise. 

I am still in a state of transition and there are some heavy bills weighing on my spirit, but I trust myself and God to help me through and I know that I will prosper financially.  Right now, I’m learning how to be frugal and really value the money that I earn.  I’m building my own solid foundation to jump from.   I am much more conscious of my actions and grateful for all the small things that make up my magical life.  I will be forever grateful for the painful but poignant lessons that I have learned through my journey.  I have the strength and fortitude to build my own fortune and I know that I can “make it” and be satisfied on very little money if that’s what I have to work with.  I no longer have the kind of fear that plagued me when I had ONLY $30, ooo left in the bank!  Thank God I went broke! -C.B. 

elephant journal is dedicated to "bringing together those working (and playing) to create enlightened society." We're about anything that helps us to live a good life that's also good for others, and our planet. >>> Founded as a print magazine in 2002, we went national in 2005 and then (because mainstream magazine distribution is wildly inefficient from an eco-responsible point of view) transitioned online in 2009. >>> elephant's been named to 30 top new media lists, and won #1 in the US on twitter's Shorty Awards for #green content. >>> Get involved: > Subscribe to our free Best of the Week e-newsletter. > Follow us on Twitter Fan us on Facebook. > Write: send article or query. > Advertise. > Pay for what you read, help indie journalism survive and thrive—and get your name/business/fave non-profit on every page of elephantjournal.com.