According to the report, over the past 20 years, the wide-ranging, largely migratory hippies have more than tripled in population, insidiously infiltrating nearly every other U.S. subculture while venturing far beyond their natural Vermont and Colorado habitats.

Via on Aug 27, 2009

Things look bad. Cull the hippie herd? Spray at Phish concerts?

Over at The Onion, America’s most trusted news source, this new threat to our ecosystem is addressed in scurilous detail—including a shout-out for Boulder, elephant’s once hummus-rich hometown.

hippies funny onion

Experts say the hippie-related environmental damage has largely been the result of their sheer numbers. Long regarded as a mere nuisance species, the hippies have grown over the past 10 years into one of the most populous in North America, numbering close to 20 million. Further, because of the hippie herds’ normal daily cycle of waking, bongo-playing and large-scale grass consumption, followed by a brief period of torpor and then aggressive nutritive replenishment, their freakological impact is enormous.

“Each summer, the hippie herds migrate north to Boulder, wiping out 80 to 90 percent of the hummus supply of the regions through which they pass,” National Park Service director Roger Kennedy said. “In certain parts of Colorado, by mid-August, the patchouli reservoirs are entirely drained.”

For the rest of this dire report, click the image below.

hippie funny onion

About elephant journal

elephant journal is dedicated to "bringing together those working (and playing) to create enlightened society." We're about anything that helps us to live a good life that's also good for others, and our planet. >>> Founded as a print magazine in 2002, we went national in 2005 and then (because mainstream magazine distribution is wildly inefficient from an eco-responsible point of view) transitioned online in 2009. >>> elephant's been named to 30 top new media lists, and was voted #1 in the US on twitter's Shorty Awards for #green content...two years running. >>> Get involved: > Subscribe to our free Best of the Week e-newsletter. > Follow us on Twitter Fan us on Facebook. > Write: send article or query. > Advertise. > Pay for what you read, help indie journalism survive and thrive. Questions? info elephantjournal com

954 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal—but don't worry—you don't need an account with PayPal.)

Elephriends - Mindful Affiliates

5 Responses to “According to the report, over the past 20 years, the wide-ranging, largely migratory hippies have more than tripled in population, insidiously infiltrating nearly every other U.S. subculture while venturing far beyond their natural Vermont and Colorado habitats.”

  1. Tyson S Doesn't everybody has a little hippie in them, or is that homosexuality?
    Yesterday at 7:13pm · Delete

    Chrystos M Why "…insidiously…"? Maybe I should read it first, to get any satirical overtones….
    Yesterday at 8:26pm · Delete

    Waylon LewisAh, Chrystos, it's the Onion! In actual fact true hippies may be an endangered species, their habitat at least in Boulder has rapidly dwindled over last 20 years as lovely big buildings with million dollar condos go up downtown.

  2. [...] being the peace-praising hippie liberal that I am, I found it especially intriguing when Stewart and Beck both took action to incite a more [...]

  3. Adele says:

    He he, wasn't that a South Park episode?

  4. [...] many decades, Boulder has been considered a haven for anyone interested in pursuing the “alternative lifestyle” and the word, “hippie,” has long been associated with the city as has other popular nicknames [...]

  5. [...] elementary school was small and private, comprised mostly if not wholly with affluent pseudo-hippies, all like-minded in our abhorrence of anything requiring shoes, much less pom [...]

Leave a Reply