A New Moon.

Via on Nov 29, 2009

A New Moon: my psoas, unrequited love, New Moon & an iPhone turned off.

A year ago on this day I suffered an awful psoas muscle injury.  The worst part was there wasn’t an actual movement that brought the injury on, I simply started to feel pain.  I had just taken a huge emotional blow a few days before, with each day making it grow stronger until my body manifested my heartache and took it out on me big time.  On one of the biggest muscles in my body.  Awesome.

A year later, I still need to baby the area.  It’s more of a deep, dull pain that I feel from time to time, especially when I go into deeper twisting postures on my yoga mat.  Funny enough, that pretty much sums up my emotional state as well.  I’ve moved away from the instance that originally created the injury, but it still summons up old, buried emotions in me which tend to get stronger whenever I bump into my old boyfriend or whenever I try to do something to clear the situation up.  Twists are meant to detoxify and purify. . .sounds like a great idea for my heart as well.

Speaking of detoxification, the original problem came from a night of too much Italian wine, fine Parisian shoes, Cupid-tinted goggles and an overly effusive heart that was about to burst.  The big-mouth alcohol demons came blurting out and next thing you know I’ve thrown ‘love’ sandwiched in-between ‘I’ and ‘you’ on the table to what felt like a completely unenthusiastic and echoing opera house—think Sydney style big.  Instead of having requited love, I was told that he couldn’t love me for at least another year.  I would interfere with his drive and success.  The alcohol demons thought that was absurd and hilarious as they steered me over to the couch where I absently discussed how my feet were freezing and would never be warm ever again. I proceeded to get emotional over the temperature of my feet (the pride fairies were forbidding me to cry about the real situation) as the rest of the evening became a blur.  Next thing you know, my psoas muscle was out and my body started to crumble as I realized my dream situation was a facade.

Fast forward to a year later as I eyeball my iPhone while contemplating a quick call.

“Just thought I’d check in.  You know, it has been a year.  How’re you doing on that whole Love thing?”

As mortifying and amusing as that would be, I know what the real solution is now.  All year long, I was trying to heal myself by fixing things between us.  I believed I’d heal if we could find a neutral ground, friendship, some form of understanding, or hell, let’s be greedy and honest: a damn good explanation and some closure.

It wasn’t until a recent string of events that I truly understood what I needed to do.  I’d been traveling solo frequently which made some serious loneliness surface.  I live by myself.  I don’t have anyone to greet me or send me off except my dog, who clearly can’t drive a car to LAX.  The list goes on, and I found myself looking to something or someone to alleviate that pain.

Oddly enough, my recent ‘Ah-ha’ moment came after seeing the midnight viewing of ‘New Moon’ on a work trip to Chapel Hill.  I’m forever amazed at the power literature and films have to provoke love, lust, emotion and desire.   I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t miss having a man in it or feel that I need one.  Yet, after viewing the film, I couldn’t help but start to wonder if it’s possible to find a love that is so powerful you couldn’t possibly live without it.  Or is that just as far fetched as the idea of vampires and werewolves existing??  I’ve never experienced it, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t  real.  Wanting it to be real has caused me to imprint my dreams, hopes and desires on this past relationship when it clearly didn’t fit the code.  It didn’t keep me from trying to dress him like a Ken doll to play the part.  Hopefully there is a love like that out there, but what I came to realize is that the answer is in here.

I’m the answer to everything.  Everything I need, all the support and love I’ve been looking for is already inside me.  I don’t need an epic love to make me feel complete or even someone to pick me up from the airport.  I choose only love and I promise to give it to myself everyday.  Since I’ve made that commitment to myself, I haven’t felt lonely.

I’ve instead been filled with a sense of strength and optimism.  The road just expanded and I am ready to ride.

I sit here absently touching my old injury as I finish up this article thinking, ‘thank you’.  Thank you for the pain to make me slow down, thank you for the heartache to make me learn how to properly use my heart.  Thank you for the confusion to make me see how simple the solution is.  Thank you for helping me to find myself so I can pull in the love I’ve always desired.

A bumpy year is a small price to pay for an endless road of possibility.  And an iPhone turned off.

kathryn budig yoga teacher

Kathryn Budig is one of ele’s favorite yoga teachers in the whole wide world. Follow her at @kathrynbudig or on Facebook.

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About Kathryn Budig

Kathryn is a lover and teacher of yoga by day, a wizard in the kitchen by dinner time and a professional dog snuggler at night. Follow Kathryn @kathrynbudig or on Facebook. Find her at kathrynbudig.com

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27 Responses to “A New Moon.”

  1. Aaron says:

    Hey Kathryn. I loved reading this. For me, there is always a sense of wanting someone, yet a strong desire to not want anyone. The polarity is there for most things I want in life. And whatever day or moment someone catches me, I may be polar opposite. So thanks for voicing what you're feeling, your growth, and understanding.

  2. nancy a says:

    love this… real life, loves, yoga and all the possibilities that lie within. excellent.

    p.s. by the way, how do you know it's your psoas that is injured and not something else? it covers so much area. interesting…

  3. And thank you, Kathryn, for being willing to write such a personal, heartfelt and revealing blog.

    Your thoughts could have been written my wife, who deeply believes that one must be content alone before he/she can be open to the right kind of love.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  4. And thank you, Kathryn, for being willing to write such a personal, heartfelt and revealing blog.

    Your thoughts could have been written my wife, who deeply believes that one must be content alone before he/she can be open to the right kind of love.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  5. And thank you, Kathryn, for being willing to write such a personal, heartfelt and revealing blog.

    Your thoughts could have been written my wife, who deeply believes that one must be content alone before he/she can be open to the right kind of love.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  6. And thank you, Kathryn, for being willing to write such a personal, heartfelt and revealing blog.

    Your thoughts could have been written my wife, who deeply believes that one must be content alone before he/she can be open to the right kind of love.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  7. alinaghi khanchi says:

    hi
    many tks for yr nice messages it is wonderfull yoga and i hope will come to usa and doing yoga with u when i see yr practic will enjoy my name is ali naghi khanchi , nice to meet u, i biging yoga about 7 month
    alinaghi_khanchi@yahoo.com
    skype : alinaghi.khanchi

  8. Sandy says:

    KATHRYN!! Such a well written piece, I think you should star in the next twilight saga movie! I've never read the books or seen the movie, but I that trailer was wicked. Must catch it!

  9. Joana Smith Joana Smith says:

    I think it's so interesting when physical injuries mirror emotional ones. A couple of years ago when I was living in Paris I had a miscarriage just after Chrsitmastime. Around that same time my knee suddenly became inflamed with such pain that it was nearly impossible to walk on for the next few months! I couldn't figure out how I injured it, but I limped around Paris all winter. It was definitely a reminder of the loss and a physical manifestation of the emotional pain.

    I hope that love is out there for everyone! …actually, I think that yes it is,

    if your heart is OPEN!

    lveo. peace~

  10. Melanie says:

    Wow. Thanks Kathryn. Simply stated, deeply felt. I met you in Savannah a couple weeks ago, and I was amazed by your wit, skill and wisdom. You truly share yoga on the mat and in your life. You are a beautiful soul with a bright, loving light. Shine on.

  11. Lindsay says:

    Beautiful post — so honest, so heartfelt and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. It's true when we find ourselves longing for connection with another, what we are really desiring is a deeper connection within ourselves. Thanks again! Namaste

  12. Darling Kathryn, what a candid and open article about your personal life, the hurt and the healing. I am quite certain that you are here and in this point in your life on your own for a reason, a reason so amazingly unfathomable that when it becomes clear, you will have to pinch yourself to make sure you aren't dreaming. Much love from one of your biggest fans. Keep shining! Hugs!

  13. Shane says:

    Great article, but I was disappointed to see the Twilight trailer underneath — I was hoping it was the teaser for the movie version of the article. Keep up the honest work.

  14. Kevin Davis says:

    Nice article. Great insight as to how pain originates.

  15. Joana Smith Joana Smith says:

    tom, that is so sad… You need a yoga class and a friend. I'll be your friend, now just find the yoga class. And, accept yourself the way you are! I accept you….I am imperfect too. lveo. peace~ joana

  16. Kim LaRue says:

    Beautiful story…. down to the core.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Enjoy your the beauty of your journey … as you have found your light is within.

  18. I'm so impressed with what you've done here, Joana, and with your response, Tom.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  19. I'm so impressed with what you've done here, Joana, and with your response, Tom.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  20. I'm so impressed with what you've done here, Joana, and with your response, Tom.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  21. I'm so impressed with what you've done here, Joana, and with your response, Tom.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  22. I'm so impressed with what you've done here, Joana, and with your response, Tom.

    Bob Weisenberg
    http://YogaDemystified.com

  23. kathryn says:

    thank you everyone for sharing your stories here. i'm so happy this article resonates. . .we're all the same, we experience joy and pain. Together through experience, belief and openness we all get a bit closer to our core. much love, kathryn

  24. If only Hollywood would give us Yoga love epics!

  25. Ray says:

    Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "you owe me."
    Look what happens to a love like that, it lights up the whole sky.
    - Hafiz

    Randy Paush (of Last Lecture fame) said that he waited until 39 to get married because it took that long for him to meet someone whose happiness was more important to him than his own.

    I hope to find a love like that someday too!

    I suppose when I am ready, it will happen.

    Love,

    ~R

  26. Eric says:

    Hi Kathryn,
    Sorry, I'm way late on finding this!

    Q: I've been recently diagnosed with illiopsoas bursitis. I walk a lot for my work, walk my dogs, sit zazen (not full lotus), and do some yoga/pilates; but–all of these activities have been curtailed due to pain. my doc just says ibuprofen, stretching, and ice (–ice pack not good near pubic bone/groin!!! yowza! :)
    I just wondered if you had any other suggestions?

    Thanks!

    also, anyone who puts conditions on LOVE, like "wait a year…can't interfere with my drive and success" will not going open us up to/accept the highest level of what we most want and desire. I did exactly the same as you but it showed me that I'm not going to compromise, done wasting the energy on someone who won't meet me where I am::emotionally, spiritually::the whole enchilada…

    blessings,
    Eric

  27. [...] Budig ain’t big, she’s rather petite (by all reports. Though she writes a bit for elephant, and is an emerging yogastar (having been featured on cover of Yoga Journal, and in countless [...]

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