The Lost Art of Masculinity.
In the heart of the divorce boom (starting in the ‘60s, peaking in the ‘70s) a generation of women ended up parenting (mostly) solo, and a generation of boys ended up being raised (mostly) without a positive father figure, if they had one at all.
Maybe it was partially a reaction to “women’s lib” that led men to feel less-than-needed. And maybe it was the grey flannel rebellion, personified by the whining tone of the dissatisfaction of the Playboy Men of the ‘50s, that led women to feel fed up enough to stand up and say, “To hell with this!”
How far back this winding battle for self-actualization as war-of-the-sexes goes is a question that can’t be answered. But irrefutably, while entirely necessary, the attempt towards a leveling of the playing field has resulted in some serious casualties.
In the absence of a paternal figure, an inadvertent, angry, faux matriarchy emerged; one that was bound by the confines of the walls of the home, because outside of the home all the old rules still applied.
But in the home, woman ruled. Boys (and girls) grew up with women, angry women, women who were (righteously) angry at men, as the alpha and omega of their young lives. The mother became the sole ruler of the world that is childhood.
A generation of men really did fuck up. They left, fucked around, used women and dumped them. Fathers bailed, leaving an abscess as often as an absence.
And the absence of men, of good men, of real men, of responsible men, left a nasty taste not only in the mouths of overwhelmed mothers, but of boys raised in a world of righteously angry women.
This group of boys would grow into men. Men who still had a bad taste in their mouths. A bad taste about men. Which is hard to live with; especially if you’re a man.
For these reasons and more, a generation (or three) of sensitive and careful men have had to struggle to reclaim their man-parts. And the women of that same generation have had to cultivate the ability to trust men who, themselves, don’t trust men.
The struggle goes on.
As women have defined and redefined feminism, femininity, the feminine, men have seemingly struggled to keep their heads above water in the shifting tides of what it means to find equality. We’ve all had to learn that equal does not mean the same, that sharing responsibility and control means both men and women can be strong and vulnerable, and that there are things – some perhaps genetic, but most almost certainly social conditioning – that women want, and things that men need to step up to.
Vive la differance!
These desired things have come as a surprise to a generation of women who were raised with slogans like, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” batted around. But under the stratum of fear and distrust lies a substrata of desire.
A desire to be desired. A desire to be seduced. A desire to be taken care of. A desire to be matched and met. And, most surprisingly, a desire to be stood up to, while being stood up with and stood up for.
The Lost Art of Strength
Women want strong men. I’m not talking about a man who can bench press their own weight, I’m talking about men who are not afraid to say yes, and not afraid to say no. I’m talking about men who aren’t afraid to take control of the wheel when the boat is drifting off course.
Strength comes in many forms. And the kind of strength a woman is looking for in a man is rarely, if ever, showy or flashy. That sort of display is more often insecurity masquerading as strength. Yet, most women aren’t looking for the “strong, silent type,” either.
There’s a ground between aloof and overbearing. That’s where most women want to see a man standing. Better yet, it’s where she wants to see a man walking toward her from.
Women are tired of men who are scared to be men. They’re tired of playing mommy.
When a woman says, “You decide!”, she’s most likely not trying to trick a guy. She’s requesting that he make the decision at hand. Too often men of generations X and Y (and some late boomers) would rather say, “No honey, it’s okay. You decide.” In many cases this dynamic leads to the woman feeling like she needs to take responsibility for everything, and the man feeling disempowered. So if you’re a man, next time a woman says, “No, really, you decide!” just do it.
Once a guy gets the hang of that, he may even graduate to the level of being able to take the reins without first receiving permission.
That’s the lost art of strength.
The Lost Art of Chivalry
There was a time not long ago that a man opening a door for a woman may have been met with scorn. For most of us, those days are over.
News flash; it’s safe to offer to pay the check. Offer to take her coat for her. Offer to walk her to her car – not to cash in on a kiss, but just to make sure she’s safe. The kiss may just come naturally as an expression of gratitude.
Furthermore, a man shouldn’t feel afraid to protect a woman’s honor. There’s nothing as sexy as a man speaking up to defend a girl’s reputation.
Whether it’s a stranger, a catty bitch at a party, guy friends, or The Mom who’s speaking ill of the object of a man’s desire, he should decide carefully whose side to take. You can bet that the object of admiration will notice when the chivalrous man admiringly corrects someone’s misconceptions about her personality, attributes, or intents. Not only will she notice it, she’ll remember it fondly.
This attitude should not be abandoned once a man is safely ensconced in a relationship. These proper niceties will go a long way in making a woman feel safe, taken care of, adored. And all of these things are likely to lead to a sense of more stability and more freedom of expression and actualization in any relationship.
The gallantry of a fully expressed man is without compare, and that fully expressed masculinity becomes attractive rather than threatening when a woman knows that her man would not only lay his coat over a puddle for her, or raise his voice to defend her, but that he’d put his body in front of hers to protect her.
The Lost Art of Romance
There is no study that can prove whether men or women are more romantic, but I know very few women who feel that their man is too romantic. Besides, for most of us, there’s no such thing as too much of a good thing!
A woman is likely to do a million little things a day to take care of her man. They may be things he doesn’t even notice. She’ll offer subtle romantic gestures like reaching out for his hand when walking side by side. Touching his neck while he drives. Stroking his arm gently while engaged in conversation.
It’s just plain courtesy for a man to offer his lover the same. When he pays attention to her, she notices. If he strokes her, she’s likely to purr.
But it’s the larger gestures that make most women melt; a candle-lit bath drawn for her without request. A massage without the expectation of return. A gift offered for no particular reason. A public display of affection. A surprise romantic celebration of a day that’s special to her.
Needless to say, some of these may be scary to try to pull off. But everyone, male and female alike, wants to be treated like the most important thing on earth every once in a while.
We all want to be someone’s everything. More over, we all want the one who is everything to us to show us that we are everything to them.
Reclaiming Masculinity
There’s more and more being written about the divine masculine and the divine feminine. There’s been plenty written about the wounded woman. There’s little to nothing being written about the wounded man.
It’s time for men to claim their wounds, and in claiming them, start healing themselves into wholeness. I’m not your mama, but as a friend let me entreat you to take this advice seriously.
Many women are realizing that they want to be with men who are proud to be men. So guys, stand up, hold your head high, own those man-parts, and walk forward into the equal-but-different future of a world beyond the sex and gender wars.
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
Thank you, Anita.
Agreed. It takes two to tango.
[...] http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/08/the-lost-art-of-masculinity/ Posted on July 21, 2011 by Meg http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/08/the-lost-art-of-masculinity/ [...]
[...] we want to sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner, sidling right up against their heartbreak, hilarity, poignancy, and truth, including those who love meat in their mouths, and those who’d like to punch meat [...]
[...] we want to sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner, sidling right up against their heartbreak, hilarity, poignancy, and truth, including those who love meat in their mouths, and those who’d like to punch meat [...]
A great book, "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover", about the male archetypes.
Thanks!
[...] men on this site truly “bold,” or do they answer questions that way because they think that’s what men should be? Out of about 70 matches, it’ seemed like 90% of the men for me were [...]
This is a great article. Thank you for writing.
Thank you so much.
You titled this "The Lost Art of Masculinity" and the main point of the article is about a heterosexual interaction with a female mate. This was rather disenchanting. I recommend you change the title. You essentially are saying that a man who claims his masculinity is a man who knows how to be a good partner to a woman. First off, a man's masculinity at it's base has nothing to do with being heterosexual or a mate if you truly want a man to be "wholesome.". Obviously one can biologically compare men and women, and attributes of masculinity will certainly draw comparisons to women. However, this title connected with this article is very disempowering for mens' self-respect and self-image. If a man so chooses to partner with a woman, his masculinity hopefully would be healthy before this….and his masculinity would further evolve with his new role as a heterosexual mate. Please, though, don't box men into thinking that their masculinity is dependent upon women. I feel that is an insult from you.
Main point: change the title to something that better reflects the article and I'd have no major problems with it. It's a rather fine article
oh….except for your anger in saying a WHOLE generation of men fucked up…that's rather immature, ignorant, and below the belt. Bad choice of articulating your disgust by again boxing in every man with that statement. It's no different than some lame statement like, "Every woman is a bitch when she's PMS-ing."
Thanks
You are right on many points. I would rewrite/revise the article, but people love it the way it is. Perhaps I'll write a "redux" at some point.
What I got out of this is that women want to collectively empower men. The problem is that "empowerment" isn't given: It's taken. Men don't really want women's collective permission to be men: We want women to recognize that with freedom comes responsibility, and although women as a whole have been really good about voicing their rights to that freedom, they've wielded it irresponsibly and have caused a whole lot of pain for men and boys in the process. I was a bit annoyed by the fact that this article somehow skips the part that men haven't just learned not to trust men and themselves: We don't trust women either for making us feel like there's something wrong with us just for being men. And from that perspective, what women really need to do is earn our trust back, not demand more from us. Due to the responses posted by the many women who read this, it's clear that women just do not get this.
I have been having this very same conversation with my husband and some other men in my life.
Start trusting yourself (yourselves). Stand up for what you believe is just and right. Ask for what you need. Let's see what happens from there.
What a bunch of crap!! If a man wrote this' suggesting that it was about "All Women"; say, "a loss of femininity," he would be shot at dawn. What a bunch of crap!!! The great thing about the Internet? All people have a voice, and an audience. The bad thing? All people have a voice and an audience!
Yes, men should start foits! Nothing more manly than getting in a fist fight with some random stranger who was rude to a girl you're with. And it comes with the added bonus of sexual experimentation and free tattoos, all thanks to your absolutely free-of-charge jail time.
Hang out at more dive bars and hit on the 20 year olds. I think they're more up your alley.
I don't think I was advocating for starting fights, but hey, if that's what makes you feel manly…
Well said for the most part, but not sure it adequately addresses the horrible behavior of so many of the Angry Women who are out there. You can be the White Knight with this kind of woman (and there are MANY out there), and still end up with Blue Balls. Or, worse, a Black Eye. This still also seems to put most of the burden on the man to "change things". In a lot of ways, it sums up the Age Old Maxim — What do women want? Only Everything. Personally, I'm holding out hope for a Good Sexy Sane Woman…and if she starts talking about "The Goddess", especially while acting like The Princess, she's getting the boot. Or at least a firm spanking. Good luck. To everyone. Take care of yourself, and pleasure the person you're with. Frequently.
Dylan – good stuff. Agreed agreed agreed.
"This still also seems to put most of the burden on the man to "change things"." – Well, women have been working pretty hard to change things. It resulted in a lot of Angry Women – or maybe the changes needed resulted in that.
However, all things being equal, it's time for all of us to do the work that it takes to show up as who are, where we are in a any given moment, and allow/encourage those we love to do the same.
Good luck with your search. Be the man you are to find the woman you want. Right?
And, yes to pleasure, and pleasuring.
Such a brilliantly written article, and so so so spot on – thankyou!! x
And what would men get out of regaining all of these lost arts? New responsibilities must always come with new powers, just as new powers must always come with new responsibilities. The article lists plenty of responsibilities to be reclaimed, but without much upside (greater appreciation, I suppose, but the fact of appreciation by itself is not worth very much).
There really are only two paths that can be taken. Either there is a strong, imbalance of powers and responsibilities in favour of one side (we tried it, and it just led to a lot of women being unfairly restrained and abused), or each side is much more balanced in powers and responsibilities and, as a result, much more self-interested, self-contained, and standalone. The latter, to my eyes, is clearly the lesser of two evils, but it does come with clear trade-offs – namely, each side playing only to their own strengths and interests. So men end up showing less chivalry (no interests) and less romanticism (no strengths).
Chivalry, in particular, is so very clearly rooted in the dynamics of power politics. By and large, it is another name for magnanimity – “I am so much better than you that I will prove it by unilaterally donating some of my efforts towards your interests”. Chivalry from an equal, much like magnanimity from an equal, is a contradiction in terms.
There are areas where one or the other in any dyad has a strength that the other does not. In the case that this is so, why not be magnanimous?
Years ago-even in the face of a lack of male role models in the home – there were men of character that young boys could look up to – movis stars, athletes, politicians, teachers, religious leaders, etc. Now it is hard to find a hand full that you can point out to a younster and say "Look at (this person) – he is good, he is kind, he is loyal, he is fair, he is patriotic, he has integrity, he is a gentleman -aspire to be like him." Where are the "JOHN WAYNE'S" of our day? Our children presented with Michael Vick, Charlie Sheen, gangsta rap, and "reality TV" – You get back what you put in ~~
There are a few good ones out there still – in the Larger Than Life department (George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn), as well as in our personal lives. Our husbands, (and for many of us) our exes, our brothers, fathers, partners, lovers.
This may interest you as well: http://lasaraallen.com/articles/a-new-generation-…
Just Posted to the Elephant Love: Loneliness, Dating & Relationships FaceBook page.
Jennifer Cusano
Editor, Elephant Love.
Thank you, Jennifer!
Yes! Just yes.
Thanks, Bruce.
[...] When women say, “I don’t need a man to take care of me” they are giving men a reason not to be… Being chivalrous is a way that a guy shows you he cares and respects you. [...]
this is the best thing i've ever read in a while.. i'm sharing this in my facebook page..
Thank you Robbie.
i think the article is awesome abd might be missing one fact- maybe it wasn’t men nor women that were the problem, but thiz whole50s societal “family jnit” that was created in the first place. This system that obviously did not work for women, who started stepping out of their roles as wive-mother-house slave… AND PERHAPS- the reason the men started disappearing from these units is that it wasn’t working forthem either. Maybe they couldn’t find themselves in these domestic units and so left, just like women stood up and said, no more.
We have a tendency to blame in our society and find fault, but lets remember that if something isn’t working for oneperson in a relationship, theb it most certainly isn’t working for the other.
Family units were created as the ideal… mom dad two kids a buick or (gasp!) two… a manicured lawn mom at home and dad wit a good job.
it looks goof and
Too true.
i think the article is awesome abd might be missing one fact- maybe it wasn’t men nor women that were the problem, but thiz whole50s societal “family jnit” that was created in the first place. This system that obviously did not work for women, who started stepping out of their roles as wive-mother-house slave… AND PERHAPS- the reason the men started disappearing from these units is that it wasn’t working forthem either. Maybe they couldn’t find themselves in these domestic units and so left, just like women stood up and said, no more.
We have a tendency to blame in our society and find fault, but lets remember that if something isn’t working for oneperson in a relationship, theb it most certainly isn’t working for the other.
Family units were created as the ideal… mom dad two kids a buick or (gasp!) two… a manicured lawn mom at home and dad wit a good job.
it looks good and pretty outside, abd that is the way the media wanted it to look, so that young people would work for chrysler and gm and send their kids offto the army to fight for “this great country’s freedom”
I think ultimately we should examine the whole family unit and also how women and men learn to find thelselves. gosh- we are all babies, no?
Indeed.
I have to say that for the past couple of hours i have been hooked by the amazing posts on this site. Keep up the wonderful work.
Appreciate the message that the author is trying to get across in this article. But men do not need to do anything special to "own those man parts".
Society, the media machine and general opinion has had an affect of conditioning men over the last few decades. It's not been an easy time for men in terms of what it means to be a man.
Men need to stop listening to the endless commentary about what men should do, or what they should not do because the qualities of every single man are already there within him – he just needs to unlearn the conditioning.
It's a spiritual path, path of uncovering.
What women want changes with the seasons if you read what popular womens magazines talk about. Men should certainly not listen to their advice!
I’m developing a site site and I was thinking of switching the template.Yours looks pretty nice! You could visit my site and tell me your viewpoint!
Although I agree with the gist of this piece, i think you're missing a central point. And that is, why are men scared to be men? Its because feminism went so far as to make men seem like the evil enemy. Men didn't become scared to be men overnight. We got the fear of god put into us by the radical feminist movement. We were, and often still are admonished for chivalry. Just a few days ago, i got told off my a pregnant woman on a tram for offering her my seat, with a line something like "what, don't you think i'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet?" Read "the war against boys"–boys AREN'T ALLOWED to be boys anymore. Over time, it somehow became negative to have testosterone and to exhibit it. I get told off for allowing my niece to watch football or rugby with me, and for exhibiting standard man-likes-sports-behaviour in front of her. So to now suddenly expect men to "step up" and reactivate those instincts out of nowhere is asking for a miracle. My point is that men are getting a very confusing message from society, which still isn't sure whether its ok for men to be men and for boys to be boys. A generation of men grew up being told that masculinity was a negative thing. its going to take time for masculinity to become positive again.
A woman preaching about masculinity… How fucking ridiculous. I suppose f you would be happy with a macho macho man go for it.
How far would you take chivalry? Would you be happy for your husband or son to sacrifice themselves in a hypothetical situation of 'women & children' first? Or you just happy for them to pick up the check on every date?
Romance is about equal respect in a modern society. Make a time machine and head off to Victorian England.
"Furthermore, a man shouldn’t feel afraid to protect a woman’s honor. There’s nothing as sexy as a man speaking up to defend a girl’s reputation."
This could be the most stupid thing I've ever read on the internet (and I've been on MRA, conservative & liverpool fc sites). Here we have the reason, in my extensive experience, of how physical violence begins. From bars & nightclubs I have worked or managed, I can say that 90% of bar fights between 2 males can be traced to 'protecting/defending a woman' in some outdated machoism display. And more often than not, from men who would in no way be violent in any normal situation. The idea this somehow cements a man into being a man is truly astonishingly stupid.
Its interesting to what you think makes a man a 'man', but I wonder, what is your idea of femininity? I take it they cannot defend their own honour, because they'd come across as masculine, or unfeminine? I'm pretty sure that women are more than capable of fighting their own arguments; and, because of gender roles, there is far less chance of anything leading escalating into physical confrontation.
The lost art of strength section – this bit just sounds juvenile. A strong man would be able to admit he doesn't know what the best decision would be, or maybe he doesn't really care, as either outcome would suit him, so the woman could have the decision. I take it in a relationship, you are sexually active with your partner? So even after this, if you still feel like a Mum, I'd be very worried indeed. Strong men ask for help, and know when its needed.
The romance lacking in some mens behaviour is not because they don't want to show it, but because they feel they can't because it is not 'manly'; this is because of the gender role, alpha male syndrome, machoism & the whole 'treat em mean keep em keen' trait. It is brought about exactly by phrases such as 'man up' and act like a man.
I'm probably no doubt not a man in your eyes… I've actually just lifted the Macbook off my lap and had a quick feel down there… yep.. all there… I'm still a man alright.
I agree, the whole point to relationships is being able to relate to that person –
If you cant do that , then where is the relationships ?
Using cliches to try to define who or what you are through others (males or female ) only indicates that you do not know who you are yourself and therefore cant possibly have any idea what you want because its not permanent.
To become self aware creates permanence , and once you a permanent you will know what matters and how to find it others as well.
[...] and steering clear of the words ‘divine’ and ‘spiritual’ because those tend to refer to a way of masculinity that tries to ‘rise above’ and ‘transcend’ the body, the mud, the blood, the anger and all other ‘unpure’ and ‘unsavory’ expressions of energy. [...]
[...] [...]
There are plenty of strong disabled men who no woman ( even ugly or desperate ) would take a 2nd look at .
[...] sh*t at him, and he’s still standing. Not only is he still standing—he’s still loving me. He’s not afraid to violate the rules I have locking my orgasm. His commitment to total presence in the face of my feminine outrage liberates the woman in me—and [...]
[...] What is typically described as ‘dominance’ actually stems from reptilian-minded, scarcity-driven thinking, i.e. kill or be killed. Men’s compulsive acquisition of status and competitive one-upmanship are masks hiding deep wounds surrounding their disconnect from the feminine and confusion about their own authentic masculinity. [...]
I wasn't just talking about genitals, Thaddeus! There are many more "man-parts" than just those.
I'll see if our local library carries the book you recommend.
-Lasara http://www.lasaraallen.com/
Thanks, my friend! Paragraph three of your response is a point well taken. I was just trying to help fellas get chicks. (JUST KIDDING!) I like your point better then my own. And, I appreciate your appreciation for my bringing it to the table.
And yes, artofmanliness is a VERY great site.
Thanks again, Blake.
Be your own man!*
*female supervision required
And I appreciate your appreciation of my appreciation.
via fb:
Cat – I understand your frustration with my position – or am I reading it wrong? Irony aside, it is indeed a confusing topic for all of us. I just tossed my opinion out there. Write your own! I'm sure elephant will publish it.
Stereotyping is something we all do. It's not always right, but it is a survival technique. Without some filters we'd be too overwhelmed to live. But yes, choice and action (listening, responding appropriately, etc.) are what makes life what we want it to be.
I got a good man after realizing I was wounded, healing myself up, and recognizing what I wanted and needed from my man.
And I agree with you about neither men nor women holding the market on fucked-upedness.
@Corvus,
True and not true. True insofar as the veterans are concerned. But I think LaSara is also referring to men who came of age after the Vietnam war. Men in their 50s today constitute one such generation. Old enough to have grandchildren, but not old enough to have fought in SE Asia.
Other private wars–especially overuse of drugs, alcohol, and other addictive things–have diverted many men (and women) from their responsibilities. Big problems always have myriad complex causes.
Thanks, Al. Once again, totally on target.
I explain the somewhat tongue-in-cheek nature of "conspiracy" in chapter 1…
Your "You and Me" issue is one of Subject and Object, not polarity, which makes all the difference when we're allocating values and characteristics to the men and women.
This experience with Islam sounds fascinating, Lasara. Have you written about it somewhere?
Well, you can't please all of the people all of the time. I sometimes get complaints about not going into sufficient depth, and that pages have historically been too long.
If folks find it too complex, then it's obviously not for them. I wish you well on you Deida-inspired journey. However, the truth is out there for anyone who chooses not to be spoon-fed allegedly "clear" answers.
Chapter 3 was interesting. I will think more on your work.
I give you the subject/object point. As far as polarity goes, I'm not sure what I think about the psychodynamics of it all, nor the physical or metaphysical aspects. I'm open-minded, though. And five years ago you would never have seen this article come from me.
However, there is a "new" masculinity to be found, as well as a new humanity.
To quote Rumi, "Out beyond our ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there."
I read your work and attempt to engage with you about it, but instead you brush me off in a pugnacious and condescending way. That says a lot about your masculinity.
Sorry, you seemed to be complaining more about the style of the site and the writing than the content.
In fact I think think Cat Dubh pointed out some real incongruence in your position, not frustration.
Thank you for your input. As Waylon (ed. here at elephant) says, would love to see an article from you on the topic. Way is sure to publish it.
Divorce can be good or bad for women, men, or children. It all depends on the circumstances involved. Sooner or later there will be studies done that begin showing proof of the fact that divorce, when done well, may have a positive effect on family structure, and the well-being of the children (and women and men) involved.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?stor…
Feel free to call me (or any woman in your life) on anything. That's sort of the point I'm making here.
via fb:
William Price:
Love and manliness is self-respect. More Rob Brezsny and a lot less Hemingway. Sewing one's balls back on, is about serving the Goddess, not serving the false male ego. The individual male and our society at large, need to wake up to that.Thank you, both for your insights. And "putting one's coat in the puddle", is a metaphor for putting your body and heart on the line, for truth and beauty, IMO. Loved the article Lasara.
As I have said in a few responses, there are many more "man parts" than just one's genitals.
And yes, vulnerability can also be a beautiful strength.
via fb:
William Price
All true, especially the part about beingness. Way beyond the body, but body, mind, and spirit must be integrated. That integration of feelings, or heart, mind, body and spirit is what I call manliness. Thank you both, again.
Thank you for your response, Amber! Excellent points.
I'm very interested in your work. My man and I have had our eye on the ManKind Project. Glad to know you!
Sorry it took me a bit to reply – but I don't get alerted when new comments who up on old articles. Feel free to find me on facebook, and stay in touch that way!
Thanks for your thoughts, Mark. Good stuff. I agree with a great bit of it. This part though;
"So a women reaches out for our hand, or touches our neck while driving. While we should: 1. draw a bath for you 2. give a massage(I give them, professional table too, and give them well, it's a VERY physically demanding skill to do it right) 3. A gift 4. A public display of affection …stay with me, not done yet! 5. A surprise romantic celebration! Seems like a fair trade to me. Like I said, a ramble. "
I was writing about men, not about women.
If you want to write a counter point – and I think you should! – Waylon, the editor here at ele, would surely publish it.
Thanks for reading, and even more so, thanks for weighing in.