Mark Twain’s Six Horrible Tips for Goodie-Goodie Children.

Via on Nov 20, 2010

Mark Twain’s 750-page Autobiography, which he wrote on his deathbed and instructed that it not be published until 100 years after his death, is on the NY Times Bestseller list and is being called the “Dad book of the year”—the Christmas gift everyone’s searching for. Buy it in hard copy, and it’ll be a gift to be treasured for many a year by your loved one and family.

Here’s Mark Twain’s typically irreverent, inappropriate, funny advice to young folk.

In “Advice to Youth,” a talk he delivered to a group of young girls, Twain turns the conventional moral lecture on its head.

Advice to Youth

by Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Being told I would be expected to talk here, I inquired what sort of talk I ought to make. They said it should be something suitable to youth–something didactic, instructive, or something in the nature of good advice. Very well. I have a few things in my mind which I have often longed to say for the instruction of the young; for it is in one’s tender early years that such things will best take root and be most enduring and most valuable. First, then. I will say to you my young friends–and I say it beseechingly, urgingly–

Always obey your parents, when they are present.

Always obey your parents—when they are present. This is the best policy in the long run, because if you don’t, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.

Sucker Punch Strangers

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any, also to strangers, and sometimes to others. If a person offend you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. That will be sufficient. If you shall find that he had not intended any offense, come out frankly and confess yourself in the wrong when you struck him; acknowledge it like a man and say you didn’t mean to. Yes, always avoid violence; in this age of charity and kindliness, the time has gone by for such things. Leave dynamite to the low and unrefined.

Get up late.

Go to bed early, get up early–this is wise. Some authorities say get up with the sun; some say get up with one thing, others with another. But a lark is really the best thing to get up with. It gives you a splendid reputation with everybody to know that you get up with the lark; and if you get the right kind of lark, and work at him right, you can easily train him to get up at half past nine, every time–it’s no trick at all.

Don’t get caught lying—practice often.

Now as to the matter of lying. You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught. Once caught, you can never again be in the eyes to the good and the pure, what you were before. Many a young person has injured himself permanently through a single clumsy and ill finished lie, the result of carelessness born of incomplete training. Some authorities hold that the young ought not to lie at all. That of course, is putting it rather stronger than necessary; still while I cannot go quite so far as that, I do maintain, and I believe I am right, that the young ought to be temperate in the use of this great art until practice and experience shall give them that confidence, elegance, and precision which alone can make the accomplishment graceful and profitable. Patience, diligence, painstaking attention to detail–these are requirements; these in time, will make the student perfect; upon these only, may he rely as the sure foundation for future eminence. Think what tedious years of study, thought, practice, experience, went to the equipment of that peerless old master who was able to impose upon the whole world the lofty and sounding maxim that “Truth is mighty and will prevail”–the most majestic compound fracture of fact which any of woman born has yet achieved. For the history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sewn thick with evidences that a truth is not hard to kill, and that a lie well told is immortal. There is in Boston a monument of the man who discovered anesthesia; many people are aware, in these latter days, that that man didn’t discover it at all, but stole the discovery from another man. Is this truth mighty, and will it prevail? Ah no, my hearers, the monument is made of hardy material, but the lie it tells will outlast it a million years. An awkward, feeble, leaky lie is a thing which you ought to make it your unceasing study to avoid; such a lie as that has no more real permanence than an average truth. Why, you might as well tell the truth at once and be done with it. A feeble, stupid, preposterous lie will not live two years–except it be a slander upon somebody. It is indestructible, then of course, but that is no merit of yours. A final word: begin your practice of this gracious and beautiful art early—begin now. If I had begun earlier, I could have learned how.

Play with guns.

Never handle firearms carelessly. The sorrow and suffering that have been caused through the innocent but heedless handling of firearms by the young! Only four days ago, right in the next farm house to the one where I am spending the summer, a grandmother, old and gray and sweet, one of the loveliest spirits in the land, was sitting at her work, when her young grandson crept in and got down an old, battered, rusty gun which had not been touched for many years and was supposed not to be loaded, and pointed it at her, laughing and threatening to shoot. In her fright she ran screaming and pleading toward the door on the other side of the room; but as she passed him he placed the gun almost against her very breast and pulled the trigger! He had supposed it was not loaded. And he was right–it wasn’t. So there wasn’t any harm done. It is the only case of that kind I ever heard of. Therefore, just the same, don’t you meddle with old unloaded firearms; they are the most deadly and unerring things that have ever been created by man. You don’t have to take any pains at all with them; you don’t have to have a rest, you don’t have to have any sights on the gun, you don’t have to take aim, even. No, you just pick out a relative and bang away, and you are sure to get him. A youth who can’t hit a cathedral at thirty yards with a Gatling gun in three quarters of an hour, can take up an old empty musket and bag his grandmother every time, at a hundred. Think what Waterloo would have been if one of the armies had been boys armed with old muskets supposed not to be loaded, and the other army had been composed of their female relations. The very thought of it make one shudder.

Good books are boring.

There are many sorts of books; but good ones are the sort for the young to read. remember that. They are a great, an inestimable, and unspeakable means of improvement. Therefore be careful in your selection, my young friends; be very careful; confine yourselves exclusively to Robertson’s Sermons, Baxter’s Saint’s Rest, The Innocents Abroad, and works of that kind.

But I have said enough. I hope you will treasure up the instructions which I have given you, and make them a guide to your feet and a light to your understanding. Build your character thoughtfully and painstakingly upon these precepts, and by and by, when you have got it built, you will be surprised and gratified to see how nicely and sharply it resembles everybody else’s.

(1882)

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12 Responses to “Mark Twain’s Six Horrible Tips for Goodie-Goodie Children.”

  1. Delightful!

    I believe we have another Mark Twain type in our midst today, and that he will someday be thought of that way–Garrison Keillor of Prairie Home Companion. Did you know you can listen to past shows back to 1996 at this site?

    Bob W.

  2. Laura Marjorie Miller Laura Miller says:

    Garrison Keillor would be the first to admit that he is nowhere near the league of Mark Twain, who is a pure biological sport, no-one like him, idealistic and brokenhearted, sweet and so bitter, humane and scathing. the embodiment of American genius.

  3. To be a little more precise — his memoirs were dictated to a stenographer (on his death bed — maybe, but for several years before that too, I believe). The deal was that these memoirs not be published in their entirety (ie, unexpurgated) until 100 years after his death. Reasons for this include less than kind remarks about his contemporaries and his disgust with U.S. military policies, especially in the Philippines during the Spanish American war, where he describes the U.S. army as "assassin" mowing down the indigenous people. While I'm a fan of Garrison Kheilor, no way is he anywhere near the level of the author of Huckleberry Finn, considered the great american novel by the likes of Ernest Hemingway (and if you haven't read it at least three times I feel sorry for you).

  4. Ricardo das Neves Ricardo das Neves says:

    Hilarious! Thanks for posting this! I think the closest any contemporary writer comes to Mark Twain is Tom Robbins — with his very own twist.

  5. AngelaRaines says:

    Classic! Twain's wit is well nigh unparalleled, methinks.

  6. [...] Mark Twain’s Top Six: Bad Advice to Good Children. [...]

  7. One of my favorite quotes of Mark Twain, I think of when I write my blog. :

    “I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” Mark Twain

  8. [...] They are not innocent vessels of pure moral order…and even if they were, pretending that marriage is the only right way to live creates unhealthy boundaries that repress their sexuality and subvert their desires into a social order that is not necessarily moral or ethical. [...]

  9. Love Mark Twain – definitely one of my big heroes – both as a writer and a human being.

  10. [...] Or maybe you’d rather skip all that. Maybe you’re sick of the cult of stress. Maybe there is that piece of you that doesn’t care about what other people think if it means holding onto what insults your soul. In that case, disregard the previous instructions completely and take this advice from Mark Twain instead: [...]

  11. [...] loves Whitman, Twain and Thoreau when it comes to literary advisers, but what about good old Charlie? His stories are [...]

  12. Cal says:

    Garrison Keillor and Mark Twain; two different American treasures. Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer are formative characters in American thought and literature. They are iconic. Their creation combined with the loving character of the slave, Jim, has painted thought for American youth ever since. Twain's humor rings true to this day; a test of time that very few accomplish. The mind that created Lake Wobegon and for decades has continued to find truth, meaning and humor in that population is genius as well. Of this there can be no doubt. Mr. Keillor, unlike Mark Twain, has been able to maintain a positive vision of mankind throughout his career. His characters possess an underlying goodness that gives us hope for all. Mr. Keillor once answered the question, "Why are we here?" like this. "We are here to glorify God." Without being pedantic, the characters from the town "where all the women are strong; all the men are good looking and all the children are above average" help us understand how to live life. Twain gave us great literature. Keillor gave us A Prairie Home Companion and an opportunity to see and hear great, if less well known, American musical talent. If our purpose for being here is to glorify God then both have succeeded.

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