3 Anti-Aging Breakthroughs in Your Own Backyard. {April Fools’ edition}

Via
on Apr 1, 2011
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I still haven’t recovered from turning 46—so you can imagine how excited I was to learn new ways to turn back the clocks that cost little to no money.

photo: flickr.com | developing dreams

Russian American scientist Yuri Alghov discovered these unlikely anti-aging components after months of studying organic matter to cure chronic migraines.

His wife Rosa, a peri-menopausal opera singer who suffered from migraines since her teens, was a willing guinea pig.

“Her migraines were interfering with her singing—she had to cancel at least one performance a month. She was willing to try anything. And being regular would be an added bonus, likely reducing her mood swings.”

After a year of experimenting on his wife, Yuri was able to procure a $100,000 grant to expand his research to a test group of 100 females and follow the effects over a 5-year period. During this time, he has faced numerous lawsuits challenging his methodology since his research had the unintended results of slowing down the aging process.  Pharmaceutical and beauty industries, which have come to rely on the $88 billion-a-year (and growing) anti-aging business, are behind the lawsuits.

Photo: flickr.com | goosmurf
  1. Soil. Yes, soil. Its unique blend of nitrogen and carbon are thought to penetrate cells and slow down their metabolizing proteins. While soil with at least 5 earthworms per square foot and/or found beneath a pile of scat has proven most effective, any garden variety dirt will do but avoid if chemically treated. Add a tablespoon to your smoothie or sprinkle it on a salad. I tried this for a week and the fine lines in my skin virtually disappeared and the whites of my eyes brightened dramatically.

    Photo: flickr.com | Florida Wild Life
  2. Centipedes. This one grossed me out, but I’m willing to try anything. “The speed of this insect totally contradicts the idea of slowing down the aging process, but the impressive athropod’s venom glands contain a unique enzyme that, when isolated, can have the same benefits as resveratrolfound in grapes and red wine.” Since centipedes are mostly nocturnal, according to Yuri, you’ll have better luck digging them up during the day when they’re a bit sluggish. (Important note: some species bite and can be harmful to young children). Yuri suggests hitting the pests with a rubber mallot quickly before cleaning thoroughly with organic dish or hand soap. “One centipede a day is enough, but three is most effective,” he claims. I found them to have a similar texture to calamari when sauteed, but prefer to toss them into a smoothie so I don’t have to look at all the legs. The drawback: I can’t even kill a fly and relocate all insects found in my home to the great outdoors (weather permitting). So… my husband was in charge of the rubber mallot which he assured me was used precisely to ensure immediate, painless death.

    Photo: flickr.com | dimus62
  3. Carpenter ants. The most convenient of the anti-aging breakthroughs since they can be found inside or outside of the home, carpenter ants seemed the most unlikely. The discovery of its benefits was completely by accident. “We had an infestation and I decided to take advantage of it,” Yuri said. “They nest in moist wood, including rotting trees, tree roots, tree stumps and logs buried in the ground so can be found easily even if you don’t happen to have an infestation.” With benefits similar to the centipede, crushed carpenter ants also make an excellent exfoliant. See #2 for drawback.

When all three are combined, migraines were found to decrease by 25%. Severe sufferers, including Yuri’s wife, showed no sign of improvement. “She looks younger so I’m not really concerned about her migraines,” he said. She was unavailable for comment.

For more information, visit YuriAlghovScience.com.


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About Lynn Hasselberger

Lynn Hasselberger is co-founder of GDGD Radio; The Green Divas Managing Editor; and Producer of The Green Divas Radio Show. She's also a mom, writer and award-winning cat-herder who lives in Chicagoland. Sunrises, running, yoga, lead-free chocolate and comedy are just a few of her fave things. In her rare moments of spare time, she blogs at myEARTH360.com and LynnHasselberger.com. A treehugger and social media addict, you'll most likely find Lynn on twitter (@LynnHasselbrgr @GreenDivaLynn & @myEARTH360), instagram and facebook. She hopes to make the world a better place, have more fun, re-develop her math skills and overcome her fear of public speaking. Like her writing? Subscribe to her posts.

Comments

21 Responses to “3 Anti-Aging Breakthroughs in Your Own Backyard. {April Fools’ edition}”

  1. Alice2112 says:

    NOT! (april fools?)
    Soil, yes for B12. Dust to Dust, right?
    If you really want to naturally improve signs of aging, invest in a whole foods, plant based diet – it truly works!

  2. Alicia says:

    Eating dirt? I'll have to serve that one up to my boyfriend. ha ha Happy April Fool's!

  3. Lynne Katzfey says:

    Thanks for all the "good" suggestions. I think I'll stick to my monthly facials though! And that's no fooling! Better get over being 46 soon because 47 will be here before you know it!! Speaking as a 65 year old………..just you wait! See you this summer.
    Love, Aunt Lynne

  4. Diana Mercer diana says:

    Hi-larious. As someone who loves the latest skin cream, I actually asked myself "Would I ever eat dirt on my salad?" I did draw the line at carpenter ants. Don't they bite?!

  5. Uch here was me about to add it to my list of "things to help me achieve immortality". Well I will continue my search for vampires then :-)

  6. Dolores Kurtz says:

    Dear Lynn,

    Are you really 46. I remember a little girl with all of her drawings, who lived with us a while, and made a lovely gift of a cow drawing that she gave us. I guess if I am almost 82, then you must be a young 46. My dear it just depends on which side of 50 you are viewing life at. So, dear enjoy your youth, continue to not eat bugs. See you and the family this July. Love you, Aunt Dolores

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  12. Jeeta says:

    I tried these and the wrinkles from balls have disappeared 😀

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