Have a Kid. What are you waiting for?

Via on Apr 8, 2011

Honoring the Call to Motherhood.

This morning I attended a panel discussion at the Conference on World Affairs at the University of Colorado in Boulder entitled, “Raising This Generations Children.”

Many lovely insights and real life experiences were shared. One particular insight that I feel compelled to explore more in depth was brought forth by panel member Evelyn Resh, a midwife, sexuality counselor and author. I paraphrase her insight:

“Have a kid. What are you waiting for?”

She went on to explain that so many of us wait well into our 30s and 40s to have children. She says that that women in their 20s are better equipped to both perform the physical athletic act of giving birth as well as the stamina and where with all to keep up with children.

Because of my keen interest in women’s issues, childbirth, mothering, spirituality, counseling and creation, I would love to open dialogue around this.

So, let’s start with,

Why do women wait to have children well into their 30s and 40s?

This is what I hear from women about their beliefs around childbearing:

  1. I’m waiting for The One.
  2. I’m single, I need a man.
  3. First I should complete my degree.
  4. First I should establish my career.
  5. First I should see the world.

When women tell me that they are waiting for the one, the only and one man who can father her child, I must say that I can understand. I understand that sperm is instrumental in co-creating a child. I understand that society’s “rules” around childbearing require you to think you first need The One. I also understand and can feel your pain around being without a child. I feel your deep desire to mother, for I am also a mother. But let me ask you this, just what if you didn’t wait for The One? What if you said “screw you society” and go ahead and be with child. What if you waited for The One before conceiving, have a child and then find out that he’s not the ONE and become a single mother? My point is, you are in a sense waiting for someone else to fulfill your dream and desire to mother. Why? Can you find a creative solution to fulfill your deep desire?

A woman whom I know, in her early 20s, is enrolled in school. She has shared with me that she feels a deep call and desire to be a mother. In her heart, she knows that the call to motherhood feels right for her. She has also shared with me that she knows she is going against the grain of society because she is choosing to not complete her degree. As she says, “I know I am so young.” She chooses to listen and follow her heart. She is honoring herself and the call to motherhood.

When I was in my mid-20s I felt a call to motherhood as well. I just graduating from engineering school, had taken my first job and was making an excellent salary. I did not enjoy the work that I was doing and had always wanted to be a mother. I love babies! My heart was saying babies, but my head was saying career. At the time, I choose to follow my head – to establish my career. As my readers know, it has been a healing process for me to choose to follow my heart.

Evelyn gave a great example during the panel discussion of seeing the world with children. When her daughter was in junior high, she decided to take her daughter away from school and live in Mexico. The family’s experience of living and functioning in a new culture was her daughter’s education. What an amazing life changing experience for a child! Even though children come into your life, travel is still an option.

Another woman whom I know, in her 40s with a preschooler told me, “I had a child in my 20s and another in my 40s. I enjoyed parenting so much more in my 20s and had so much more energy and excitement for child-raising.” When I asked her why she thought that was she said, “I think it was partially because I was so much closer to my own childhood. I actually wanted to get down on the floor and play with my first daughter.”

So, if you are one who desires to conceive, birth and raise a child but haven’t here are a few steps to take to help you in your path:

  1. Take an honest look at your present beliefs around childbearing. – Why are you waiting? Are you waiting to accomplish something first? Are you waiting for the one?
  2. Thoroughly evaluate just how important it is for you to have a child. – Start a journal and write down your thoughts and feelings around becoming a mother.
  3. Evaluate whether you can change your beliefs in order to give yourself what you desire. Are you willing to follow your heart at the expense of shaking up society?

In a nutshell, I believe that children have so much to teach us about ourselves and our world. If my own children had not come into my life, I’d probably still be stuck. My personal experience was that they have helped me to take a look at some aspects of myself and my life that needed attention and because of that I’m living a more authentic fulfilling life!  Children are a blessing and an honor. Honoring the call to motherhood, I believe, is one that requires deep faith and lots of love. May your journey be full of love, light and peace! Let’s shake it up! Let’s follow our hearts!

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About Helene Rose

Helene Rose, MS, is passionate about supporting women to live brilliant lives and founded Be Brilliant Network LLC to serve as a portal for women to step into their radiance. Her life experience provides her with a deeply compassionate perspective and understanding of the modern woman’s struggle for mindful living and feminine empowerment. She lives in Boulder, CO with her family. Read more about Helene >>> HERE.

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14 Responses to “Have a Kid. What are you waiting for?”

  1. Stephanie says:

    Personally I am so glad I waited for the "ONE" Unless you go to the sperm bank having a child with a man is the ultimate commitment..rest of our life commitment that no signing papers can get you out of. Also my husband provides a wonderful balance to our children. I feel my kids get the best of both worlds. And while, I whole heartedly support single moms, I still think it is better with two. Lastly, I wasn't ready to have a child mentally until I was in my 30s. I keep up with them just fine. They have a more patient and confident mom than the 20 year old version. I feel I am a much better mom due to my life experiences and having sorted through the webs called my past.

  2. Jacqueline says:

    I had all three of my children by the time I turned 30. My older sister had one at 23 and one at 38. My younger sister became pregnant with her first at 41 and her second at 44. We all are happy with the way things turned out for us…20s ,30s ,40s its all good.

  3. windycity says:

    I am happy I waited to establish my career before having children. I do not think I would have been as good of a parent had I had children in my 20's. Nor would I have been able to provide as much for them. And the mates that I picked in my 20's certainly were not responsible provider types, so in my case, it was better all around that I waited.
    But it is true that fertility-wise it would have been better to have them when I was young, not to mention my energy levels!

  4. curious says:

    I have a question at the moment. WHY are you encouraging women to produce or create their own kids from their own egg??? Life is free choice

  5. Rose says:

    "I love Babies!" We all love babies. Being a mother goes beyond loving babies. Replace that statement with "It is my heart's desire to spend 20+ years of my life having the responsibility and doing the hard work of raising children no matter what difficulties life may throw at me!" Does that change the discussion?

  6. Laura says:

    And some us us just plain don't want children. Ever.

    • April says:

      And some of us desperately want them, but can't produce them, or know that once we do, we'd be unable to truly care for them…for a variety of reasons!

  7. [...] is a beautiful thing to grow together with a partner, and to build a life side-by-side. But there is plenty of time for that. It is also a beautiful thing to remain true to yourself and the person you will grow into, and to [...]

  8. JMY says:

    I agree with the other posters… this article seems shortsighted and not overly practical. It not only blames women who choose to wait or not have children (even if they "love babies"), but doesn't mention the father's role at all, which reduces men to sperm donor status. Children have 2 parents, and all of them live with the responsibility and the rights for 18 years. Women who choose to hold off or not having children should be celebrated as responsible enough to care about sustainability and the means to support their desires.

  9. Karen Eliot says:

    You couldn’t pick a worse time to advise women to just go ahead and pump out those carbon footprints, the hell with their studies and careers and the impact on the planet. How many women in their 20s have the required sense, experience, and resources to have a child and raise it properly? And where is the father in all of this?

  10. Lena says:

    I’m 28 and I’ve two beautiful healthy boys- 7mo and 3 yrs old. I have a wonderful husband, and supportive families on both sides. I can tell you personally it’s not an easy road to try to establish a career, and a life and become a parent at the same time. It’s difficult. Every once in awhile when I’m

    filled with frustration I find myself thinking – whatif. However, motherhood isn’t easy or simple if you do it in your 20′s, 30′s or 40′s- the challenges are different but they are still challenges and heartaches. There is no cookie cutter formula for success and happiness. I love being a mother, and I love my children. But I caution against the advice this article provides- children need stability- and $$ just takes on a different meaning when you have children.

  11. Anon says:

    Is this a serious article, or some type of satirical joke? I can't even comprehend what awful advice this is. Choosing to have a child is a lifelong commitment and not something you should rush into just because you desire or love babies. Having a supportive partner in this journey is a responsible choice, not the frivolous desire the author makes it out to be. I support single mothers but I think we can all agree it makes raising a child more difficult if you do not have others for support (be it the father, a nanny, your family, etc). Also, paying for childcare when you have no it yet finished school or established a career is also more difficult then if you have completed these things and have a higher income potential. I am not sure what type of alternate reality this author stems from…

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