The challenges that arise in our communication with each other seem to be rooted in the way we choose to communicate our feelings and needs to others, but especially to ourselves; according to expert Marshall Rosenberg, as long as we manage to communicate from our feelings and needs (not our thoughts and desires, or our evaluations, diagnosis or judgments) a peaceful interaction is guaranteed.
What could be more beautiful than meeting everyone’s needs and honor everybody’s feelings, without sacrificing your own needs and your own feelings?
Marshall Rosenberg explains how when we are not clear in the way we phrase our communication, meaning when we do not choose correctly the words we use when communicating our feelings and needs, the receptor only hears demands and criticism. And think about it, that is what we hear when others are not clear in the way they communicate with us. We go right ahead and make assumptions about what the other is thinking about us and from then on is madness: we keep reacting defensively and aggressively due to our attachment to our feeling to protect the “image” we have created of ourselves and our need to not be judge wrongly for who we are.
When we say “I think”, “I want”, “You are”, “You did”, we are just using the judgments behind our feelings and the problem with that is that judgment parameter usually, or most generally, go from good to bad, from wrong to right, from thin to fat, from best to worse. NVC, Non Violent Communication, does not require to bring the “wrongs” into our communication, in fact it does not work if you do.
This is how you do it. You say:
I feel ________________ because of my need to ______________. My request is _____________.
It sounds you feel _________________ because of your need to ____________. What can I do?
You fill the blanks, just make sure you fill the blanks correctly. Feelings with feelings. Needs with needs. Requests with requests. Doing with actions.
~ Though judging and evaluating is necessary for us to understand how we feel, and how others feel, make sure that you don’t use your judgments and evaluations in the blanks.
Non Violent Communication teaches you how to communicate not only in a way that gets your feelings honored and your needs met, also allows you to honor other people’s feelings and meet their needs at the same time. Wonderful!
Check it out! The next link will take you to The Basics of Non Violent Communication 1.1, once you see the video 1.1, keep the sequence 1.2, 1.3, etc.)