I’ll venture to say this combination ( your fear + someone who can help you conquer your fear) are the people we become enamored with, the people we can’t stop thinking about, the persons we give the ability to break our hearts…
I had a phone call from a friend who was excited to tell me me how she finally met someone she’s interested in. She told me in swooney detail about how she met him and the fabulous conversation they had and that he’s cute, he’s a therapist and that he’s a good match. Sounds like LOOOVE on her end, right?
But, then her voice flattened and out popped the question, “but why hasn’t he contacted me back in the last day?” And it launched her into her fears of how she is always attracted to the dudes who always disappoint her and treat her like crap.
Now isn’t this exactly what Bruno Mars is lamenting in the song “Grenade” that inspired Waylon’s post , “Love Does Not Equal Happiness“? The funny thing about these situations is: we really wouldn’t want it any other way. We literally wouldn’t be interested or as enthusiastic about this person if he/she wasn’t offering this very problem for us to solve. Why do you think we keep attracting the same types over and over? The big question is, are you up for getting ‘the lesson’ so that you quit the pattern?
From what I know about human beings we’re always looking for freedom from our constraints AND we are afraid of change. If this is true, imagine that your constraint is your baggage (the thing that percolates fear within you and it erects walls and strict rules on things) and that the most efficient and organic way out is with someone else’s help.
I’ll venture to say this combination ( your fear + someone who can help you conquer your fear) are the people we become enamored with, the people we can’t stop thinking about, the persons we give the ability to break our hearts… In other words, we get excited about someone who can be our ‘getting rid of baggage helper’ but confuse that role with someone we think is our perfect other half. For instance, this guy didn’t contact my friend back quick enough for her taste, so it brought up her ‘baggage’ (hers happens to be abandonment). PS: You can find your baggage hanging out at the end of your comfort zone. Her enthusiasm and her fear tells me that she’s excited about this guy because he takes her to her personal edge and the possibility of her getting rid of her baggage has now surfaced. This is absolutely exciting and absolutely scary. Does she have the courage to step up to herself?
If she doesn’t have the courage to look at her baggage she’ll blame him for not measuring up and for not fulfilling her needs, which is what she did initially. If she does have the courage to look at her baggage, then she’ll loosen her grip on him and she’s one step closer to getting what she really wants, which is frrrreeeeeedommmmmm ( ie. love)! But most of us confuse this attraction with the person instead of what they offer us, which is the possibility of finally letting go of something we don’t want to drag around anymore (ie. or ‘finding the love’ in our lives). We’ve picked them because they offer us an opportunity to finally strengthen ourselves to the point where we don’t ‘need’ them in order to be happy.
In the end, we’re really capable of managing our fears/ baggage/ constraints all by ourselves. There is no ‘other half’ that will save us from ourselves. So it’s time to take a look at ourselves, identify our baggage, take responsibility for the feelings that are in there and have a new adventure into ‘love’. Cause we’re not in love with our ‘baggage helpers’. Love is something way different than that. Our ‘baggage helpers’ just teach us where we have to go to get rid of the baggage.