Falling in Love with Thorns.

Via on Aug 12, 2011

I started where we ended; I begin in the place where I was left alone and unsure.

This sort of emotional breakdown is unlike me and I did my best to hide it and myself from that which was around me. I curled up tightly in the depression and heartbreak and used them as a child would use a blanket to protect him from the monsters in the night. That day I changed, and I am not sure it was wholly for the better. I remember small things from that day- it was windy out and I was wearing a brown dress. My hair was long (I’ve cut it short since then) and it blew around my face as I cried against the concrete wall. My hands shook as they covered my mouth and I heard the laughter of children carry through the town. I think the writer in me cataloged this picture because it was too perfect, like something you’d watch in a sappy love film.

But it wasn’t a film or book, it was my life. Those who know me well know that I am a cynic and that I prepare for everything. I assume most things will not work out and I prepare accordingly, when something does work out I am pleasantly surprised and if it doesn’t I don’t get too heartbroken about it; I just pick up and try something new. Those who know me well know that I am not one to fall in love or become heartbroken. Those who know me well don’t even know this story, though I am sure they have seen some of its symptoms. In that moment of wind, dress, laughter and tears I didn’t know myself, this was a whole new person to me. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love but I most certainly was not supposed to be the one with the broken heart.

Not only did I fall in love but I let my guard down (a huge step for me) and I let someone love me.  I let someone hold me while I cried, I let myself get lost in a moment, and I let myself loosen my grip on logic and hold on to the emotional side. This may sound like the ramblings of a South Korean teen drama but for me this was new. I have dated many people before, many good and kind people, but I could never let go and love them like they did me. I have walked away from relationships not feeling anything but relief; I have broken up with people because they were too clingy or nice. Call me an Ice Queen, maybe I was, but for the first time in my life I breathed a little easier with someone holding my hand. I didn’t feel the need to run away or get annoyed when he looked at me a little too long.

(Oh man, maybe I do need to write this down and sell the script.)

I was happy. I think I finally understood what people meant when they said they loved someone. He didn’t complete me by any means, nor did he fill some imaginary hole but he did strengthen that which was weak and build up that which needed help. The cynic had been proven wrong and I was damn happy about that.

Life, fate, gods, the universe, whatever you want to label it isn’t always fair. I think the sooner you realize how little control you have maybe the more you appreciate your life. It wasn’t fair that I was alone crying out to the angry storm, it wasn’t fair that we both love one another so much and yet couldn’t be together, and it surely it wasn’t fair that life had different plans and we both were too cowardly to try and change them.

It wasn’t fair but it happened.

I didn’t eat or sleep for days. My strength and will had been drained, I cried until there was nothing left to cry about and then I cried some more. I didn’t want people to think I was weak so I plastered on happiness and contentment but I was empty.

I have written and re-written this post about 7 times and every time I have to stop, I start crying or find that I cannot breathe. I sit down and stare at my wall and feel the cracks inside of me deepen. I cannot properly express what it feels like to lose someone you love. When I was younger I almost drown in the Pacific Ocean. What I remember about it terrifies me- there was a peace, I could feel the sand, see the water and the sun streaming over me and I knew that I should be scared but I felt peaceful. That peace was fraking terrifying. It wasn’t peace that came with happiness or joy, but one that told you to stop fighting, just close your eyes and let the water toss you around. I still wonder to this day if that is what it feels like when you are dying, does everyone feel that?  I felt that the day I lost him to life. I wanted to stop fighting, stop trying and just close my eyes and let the water toss me about.

It’s been months now and I am not completely okay. I feel like I should have learned something special and amazing from all of this, maybe I should have gained some super-power or ability but I didn’t.  I stopped writing and doing what I loved, my determination and will zapped dry and I could not move.  Realistically I didn’t want to learn anything from this; I just wanted it to be over.

Maybe it is human nature or just me nature but I did learn something, although not amazing or life changing- I am strong. I mean, really, really stinking strong. I can smile now and mean it, I enjoy listening to my sister sing and play her ukulele,  I still crush on Wil Wheaton,  I argue about comic books , I cried the other day because I was laughing so hard. My eyes sparkle again, not from tears but from inspiration and passion. I picked myself up and crawled until I could walk. One day I will sprint like I used to but for now walking is good enough.

I can’t explain or understand why crap happens, I am only 22 and I will have more problems and heartaches along the way.  These sorts of things just happen and I am sorry they do. We, all of us, are stronger than we want to believe. Even though it doesn’t seem like it right now and you don’t want to keep going I know it gets better (and hell, if it doesn’t get better than we will just make it better.) If you have write it all over your body one thousand times until you believe you are strong enough than do it. Go listen to Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros, find a sunny spot by a tree and breathe in the hope. There is joy, beauty and happiness out there through the pain and uncertainty we will find clarity and strength.

That is this cynic’s prayer anyway and I think I will keep praying it until it happens.

About Brianna Ecklid

Brianna Ecklid will be outlived by her dictator-turned-cat Bruce Lee. She has a slight addiction to Red Vines, soft yarn, and American History but has an unnatural hate of cupcakes. She lives in the literal middle of nowhere and some time fears that using a mason jar as a glass is the first step she took down the road to redneck. Most days you can find her writing, reading or with her hands in the dirt. Oh, and she probably watches sci-fi and quotes LOTR too much. You can email, or check out her twitter (@absentbree).

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3 Responses to “Falling in Love with Thorns.”

  1. Chris says:

    I am going through a similar difficult situation now and read your story near to the end until you mentioned “Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros.” Then I lost all calmness to tears. I feel together most times and then something sneaks up in a movie, book or just now in your story and the repressed hurt and scared emotions unexpectedly burst to the surface. I hope for the day to regain my strength. But, in my heart even more for the relationship to return. A lost dream that may never come to fruition.

    • Brianna Ecklid Bree says:

      I understand what you mean Chris. Little things set me off all of the time and even though it has been months I still cry. I too am hurt, upset, angry and sad and nothing seems to quell the intense emotions when they emerge. Although I realize and accept the strength within myself and others I do not always feel it– there are times when I curl up on the sofa, cry and wonder "what if". I've learned that I cannot escape these emotions and I cannot ignore them, they are a part of me now. They may leave later on but for new they follow me. I accept them even though I do not like them.

      I think when we are left with questions and pain clarity is hard to believe in, happiness even more so. I hope you find your happiness and clarity, Chris.

  2. Brianna Ecklid Bree says:

    Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words, Katarina =3

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