18 Nouveau Food Rulz. What’s your favorite?

Via Jeffrey Woodruff
on Aug 1, 2011
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Nouveau Food Rulz

  1. Avoid food that has been patented or is the registered trademark of a food processor or genetic engineering firm—KumatoR. The Kumato is the registered trademark of Swiss bio-engineering conglomerate Syngenta and sold at Whole Foods. Yes, Whole Foods sells GMO/GE foods, but why label technology-based food as such?
  2. Avoid food where a Z replaces an S—Cheez WhizR
  3. Avoid food where an X replaces a CK—Veggie StixR
  4. Avoid food developed by food scientists—Cheez WhizR
  5. Avoid food that has traveled on a truck to get to your table; it will taste like eighteen wheels. Food in season does not need to be transported via cargo ships, planes or trucks. While the USDA insists the food pyramid is now a  plate, the Nouveau Food Rulz suggest using a harvest calendar.Eat According to the Calendar
  6. Avoid food where the primary food you are eating—popcorn for example—is the fourth ingredient. The popcorn is rendered a mere delivery mechanism for preservatives and other natural ingredients. Smart Food Popcorn Clusters Cranberry Almond contains Brown Rice Syrup, Chicory Root, Almonds, Popcorn, Sugar…. You get the idea: avoid the product delivery device.
  7. Smart foods are stupid. Avoid food that uses the word Smart in the product name:
    • Smart Food is Frito Lay!
    • Smart Dogs
    • Seriously Jennifer? Smart Water
  8. Avoid food that uses the word Smart in the product name and then releases a healthy second SKU (stock keeping unit) that boasts lower fat.  Popcorn has no fat, is there consumer demand for low fat Smart Food?
  9. Avoid foods that have been reduced to a carcinogen delivery form. Avoid Smart Dogs and pretty much anything that contains Soy Protein Isolate. Yes, even companies marketing to vegans and vegetarians process foods like tofu and render them toxic junk food.
  10. Avoid liquids/foods where we take a non-renewable resource, like oil, and use it to contain a natural resource, like water, and then fly it around the world on a cargo plane.
  11. Never eat food from a can. Aluminum cans have a wonderful BPA lining to prevent the aluminum from rusting. Buy fresh, can your own fresh food in glass jars and rehydrate dried food with a pressure cooker. Store your food in glass jars and avoid the wonderful leaching of chemicals into your food.
  12. Never order a pizza that does not fit through your front door. (Cosmo offers a 24” pizza, with box it barely fits through a 30” doorway. Great for your 40” waist).
  13. Avoid food with more than three syllables, they are usually preservatives (four syllables), additives and coloring agents.
  14. Avoid trendy foods. The general business plan of manufactured food companies is to put more calories in your body. Since population growth is minimal, corporations are pushing more calories into your frame.  In 1992, Nabisco introduced a brand line of zero-fat cookies, SnackWells; remember the zero fat craze? Today companies are pushing gluten-free. Imagine if you will: McDonalds French fries are gluten free! The vicious cycle starts here—eat unhealthy <insert free health claim—fat, gluten> and wake up obese. See your doctor and receive a prescription for diet, exercise and drugs.
  15. Avoid “use once and throw away” packaging. If you must eat packaged foods, insist that the manufacturer uses home-compostable wrappers.
  16. Minimize or eliminate major greenhouse emitters—vegetarians, this includes cheese—from your diet.
  17. Chimps make healthier choices than college educated Americans. Jane Goodall’s chimps select organic produce in their diet before conventional. Chimps avoid eating non-organic foods.
  18. A practical example EnviroKidzR violates six rules in a single box:
    1. Rule 1—Z instead of an S
    2. Rule 3—created by food scientists at Nature’s Path
    3. Rule 4—has a registered trademark in the name
    4. Rule 5—the cereal is imported from Canada
    5. Rule 14—they are gluten free
    6. Introducing, Rule 18—“avoid food whose shelf life is greater than a growing season”Jennifer care to endorse Smart Kidz?

Name your favorite Nouveau Food Rulz.

Bulk food, no trademarks


About Jeffrey Woodruff

Jeffrey is a competitive cross country skier and marathon runner. He has completed sixteen marathons in six countries. Jeffrey recently received his Master of Architecture at the University of Colorado Denver.


31 Responses to “18 Nouveau Food Rulz. What’s your favorite?”

  1. Gillian says:

    food ingredients should fit on a twitter post? :)

  2. Sasha says:

    Fantastic! Thanks for breaking it down!

  3. Fine article. “Their” should be “there.”

  4. mike says:

    Try having two small kids, two full time jobs, and two parents in master's programs. I agree with most of your rules. However, in my life, many of them are impractical if not impossible. And the chimp reference is insulting. It doesn't take a smarty pants from Boulder to figure out that chimps lead a much different life than humans.

  5. bea says:

    Mine are: get veggies from the farm down the street (freeze some for winter), get beef from cows you can visit (and watch their progress on Facebook), get eggs from the farm with the honor stand down the street, get pork from the pig farm you can visit (and see on Facebook).

    Don't worry too much about the rest!

  6. Citizen X says:

    I want to start my comment by saying I love and respect Mr. Woodruff. However, articles like this shame people into a lifestyle that I am not certain has been proven to be the best solution for overall health. Furthermore, for those of us who cannot afford to follow these rules, or think that Whole Foods and their ilk are a a load of 'BS,' I argue that there is a fine line between eating organic and eating healthily… for those of you that pay attention you will remember last year Munson Farms was found to be using pesticides. Simply because you have the money and will to buy all organic does not a better person make. Next time you concern yourself with the question, ' Am I making the best health decisions for my family or for myself?' Remember that there are those who go without….not because there isn't enough food, but because people are more concerned with labels than others.

  7. Bill Turner says:

    Awwww….damn, so that means Velveeta is right out, eh? I still recall the time in the grocery store when I was cruising the dairy aisle — you know, the one with the big refrigerated cases to keep all the dairy products from spoiling? Then I noticed, on an ordinary shelf *next to* the dairy cases, a big display of Velveeta. Huh. Velveeta. Supposed to be “cheese.” Requires no refrigeration. Hmmm… how can that be?

  8. citizen of the world says:

    scientifically, buying meat from your farmer down the street is much, much more inefficient than buy from the big, corporate farmers of america, simply because they use more energy per pound of meat and create more greenhouse gases. now, if you want to protect the animals feelings and make sure they live good lives before the slaughter, then the local ones are much better, but you must choose….animals feelings or the environment…..

    also, anyone else confused by all the smutty images on this website??? i just stumbled upon here and it seems that the creator is a self-righteous, self-promoter, trying to make as much money as he can…

  9. troll says:

    open comment to annieory:

    after viewing several of you posts, i have noticed that you are a self-appointed "truth sayer." while that may be well and fine for you, your reasons for doing it dont add up. you kind of emulate the reasons the united states is broke and in a downward spiral…you take things for your own life and apply them to everyone else. your values are not my values, just like america's values are not china's values. you need to step off you pulpit and figure out why you are so unhappy with yourself.

  10. TMR says:

    I thought this was great, but I was puzzled about something. If you're telling people to avoid products that use the letter "z" to replace the letter "s," why call your system the Nouveau Food "Rulz?" What's wrong with "Rules?"

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