You know what pisses me off?
When I talk openly about wanting to meet and fall in love again, others will say, “Well you know Amy, you must love yourself first before we can find love with others,” and intone in a condescending, grandiose, you must be Buddha to find love voice.
This pisses me off for two reasons: First, I am damn fond of myself. I would totally date me. (Except, I tend to be attracted to womyn less chatty than myself.)
Don’t get me wrong (I love that song by the Pretenders “Worth a Look Again”). I agree that I must “do my work.”
In fact I tend to really, really, not be attracted to womyn who think being a hot mess is sexy. Or womyn who are filled with loose ends, regret, worry and fear. However, I have been these womyn too and slowly sorted out the losses and have been better for it.
The idea that there is some lurking lack of self love preventing me from falling in love seems as helpful as telling a cancer sufferer that they may have had “negative energy that contributed to their disease,” oh— shut up.
So it’s my fault, and I need to go solve my negative energy problem. (I picture myself in a laboratory attempting different potions to solve my not shining out self-love energy deficiency).
The second reason— is I don’t think it’s true. When I was in my last long relationship I was not nearly as fond of myself as I am now. I was a smoker, did not exercise, and was not sure I was a lesbian so I mostly dated men. Yet, I met and fell in love with a womyn who had her own list of imperfections and we were happy for a good while and then we were not, we parted as good friends.
When people say to me “you must love yourself first,” I get that they are alluding that any relationship where I want the other person to boost my self-esteem, fill me up, or fix me- will eventually end or be hell.
However, I don’t think I have to be “all set” and perfectly happy, whole, and joyous to be ready to be with someone. I think I need to be myself.
What do you think you need to be ready to find love?
A. E. Feucht is a yogini, writer, & explorer who in her non- free time works for a non-profit that serves kids. She tries to be a leader with heart and big ideas. She also attempts to practice daily meditation, becoming a morning person,and driving without distraction and fails at all three. She is a champion of glbtq rights, the power of non-violence, ice cream in all forms, and the smell of lavender. She is still looking for a good nickname, the perfect pair of boots, and a way to read when her eyes are tired. She’d like to learn sign language, how to shut her mouth faster, listen better, how to can things like berries, and more about the stars. She likes to think of herself as having a tiny bit of fashion, excellent taste in books, and movies and an ability to be really present…sometimes. She is most proud of being a hip Aunt, a deep friend, and a parent to two kitties and a near perfect golden retriever /Border collie pup, who seems smarter than most people. If you want to find her she might be at the library giving them a 30 titled book list to carry to her beat up Honda. She is a grand cook, at any decent “a person who has a dream and opens a shop” particularly but not limited to, a coffee shop, by the sea, at Camp Little Notch. You may also find her on her yoga mat or maybe on a walk with her Pup at her side, singing her own song written with silly lyrics and sung without one hint of a tune anyone would recognize, but she likes that just fine.
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