Is Chivalry Dead or Just Comatose? ~ Stephanie Bailey

Via on Apr 2, 2012
(Photo: Pinterest)

Gone may be the chivalrous man, and it may be our own fault.

You have seen it in the movies and believe it or not, there was once a time when men were chivalrous; something that came as natural as riding a bike or playing sports.

Men would actually open doors (including the car) for women. They would pick you up for a date and drop you off in front of an establishment if the weather was bad, instead of having you walk, and offer their coats if it was cold outside. If you were walking together they would walk on the side of traffic and hold your hand. These same men would even pull your chair out for you and stand up when you left the table. All of this is nice and appreciated, but considered Business Class chivalry!

First Class chivalry entails all of the above mentioned, plus, they would pay for the date without question, send flowers and/or bring them when they see you, as well as surprise you with gifts and possibly trips. Is it any surprise that these men had no problem attracting women or getting laid?

I know for some of you, reading this might seem shocking. You are probably wondering if these men still exist. Take it from me, they do.  However, today, chivalrous men are scarce and many are simply comatose.

Back in the day, chivalry was important because women had higher expectations (what happened?). Women loved and respected themselves, believing that the best man, the one who put in the most effort, would win their heart. Literally, the best man won.

During my dating travel adventures, I have had the pleasure of dating and meeting a few chivalrous men. The reality of course is most men who are chivalrous, don’t stay single for very long.

What happened, and where did the chivalrous men go? Unfortunately, a lot of men have been sucked into the vortex of lazy dating syndrome. Why should a guy put in the extra effort when it comes to dating if it is not expected? Why is giving the bare minimum accepted?

Looking at the big picture, it is not completely their fault. So many women have lowered their expectations because they are caught up with being independent. We tell ourselves, “I don’t need a man to open any doors for me”, when in reality, once you meet a guy who does, it feels good.

Being treated special doesn’t mean you have to give up your independence, even though so many women correlate it that way.

When women say, “I don’t need a man to take care of me” they are giving men a reason not to be motivated to make an effort in relationships. Being chivalrous is a way that a guy shows you he cares and respects you.

Doesn’t it feel great when a guy your dating makes you feel special? When he calls and sends text messages on a daily basis telling you he misses you and is thinking of you. Opening doors (including the car), bringing flowers, planning dates, making time to see you, and bringing small gifts. These are ways of letting you know he cares. You do mean something to him.

It’s interesting that the very same women who say, “They don’t need a man to…,” are also the first to complain when a guy they like isn’t calling or making plans to see them.

There are also women who have gotten trapped on the “low self-esteem train” causing dislike and worry within themselves. This in turn manifests men in their lives who don’t feel the need or desire to have to be chivalrous.

(Photo: Pinterest)

If a guy knows that he can capture your attention and keep you interested,without putting in a lot of effort, why would he?  When you don’t love yourself, you don’t believe that you do deserve to be treated special, and therefore you won’t be.

Chivalry shouldn’t be to the point of extinction. Women need to let men know that this type of romantic behavior is not only important, but also valued and appreciated in a relationship. It’s up to you to “set the bar” for what you want up front.

If you like when a guy opens the car door, stand there with a smile until he does. When he appears to be “clueless” tell him politely that you are waiting for him to open the door for you. When he does, give him instant gratification by thanking him right away, or however you choose. The little romantic gestures do matter and he needs to know that. Ladies, we have the ability to bring life back to chivalry.

It’s a vicious circle; when women lower their expectations, men don’t put in as much effort. Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk? Of course women are not actually cows, but you get the point.

Again, chivalry does not mean that a man has to take care of you, it’s more about showing emotional support and manners. Chivalry shows he’s taking a personal interest in you!

Ladies, we must make it our job to “wake up” the ones who are “chivalry-comatose” or have the potential to become chivalrous. We must do this with encouragement, genuine appreciation, loving excitement and higher expectations if we want to change the direction of men today.

Remember, it’s not about sacrificing your independence it’s about gaining a quality man.

~

Editor: Jennifer Cusano

Stephanie Bailey has been writing books on relationships since 2003 and just began her blog Miss-Reflections in November of 2011 which is a mixture of relationships and life experiences. Visit her blog to learn more: www.missreflections.posterous.com

 

 

 

 

 

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17 Responses to “Is Chivalry Dead or Just Comatose? ~ Stephanie Bailey”

  1. Nate says:

    you're an idiot. in that age, women were completely subservient to men and were basically property. you submitted to your husband and he had marital rights to rape you and you were not able to have a profession or life of your own. if you want to go back there to that dark time for women just to have someone pull out your chair and bring you a flower, then, please, go back there and stop whining.

  2. Chris Guzik says:

    When a man does something nice for a woman – when he feels as if he is doing something to take care of her -, and she as a result expresses gratitude, it makes the man feel good about himself. It makes him feel wanted and valuable, and it increases his confidence. Conversely, when a woman receives such an act as an indicator of affection, it makes her feel appreciated and special. It is clear that some people find such rituals superficial and unnecessary, but there is a long history of cultural and biological evolution that led to those rituals.

    It is unfortunate that some people believe that such interactions necessarily lead to an imbalance of power in a relationship and as such are a recipe for abuse. It is true that there are abusive people who will take any opportunity to gain and manipulate power in relationships (this is not limited to males by the way).

    It reminds me of a recent situation where I tried to help a disabled person get his groceries into his car. He would not accept my assistance until I told him "it will make me feel good to help, if you will let me." Nobody wants to feel dependent, but to reject a kindness or show of affection for this reason alone is selfish. To stand up and shout "I don't need you!" may make one feel independent and strong, but it also creates a feeling of rejection in others.

    To reject chivalry as a courtship ritual because of the belief that it is the cause of sexual oppression, is tantamount to attempting to cure mental illness by decapitation.

  3. timful says:

    Some men these days will see you as their equal.

  4. Beau says:

    wow. I would have thought this was an April Fool's joke, but it's dated the 2nd. if this author had any self-awareness, she could have talked about 'manners' and 'respect' instead of patriarchal gender expectations. blecky poo.

    • Beau says:

      oh yeah, I forgot to add that the author is pretty exclusive in both thought process and language. is she aware that there are romantic relationships that do not include one man and one woman? boy is she offensive!

  5. (r)Evoluzione says:

    The article doesn’t contain the word “feminism” once. Not a single mention of the force that wiped out chivalry.

    You see, when that fish rode down the street on its bicycle, the world got too weird for chivalry. The world of dating, sexuality, and gender relations is one shaped by the female imperative, by feminism. As it is said in retail: you broke it, you bought it.

    There’s no stuffing this genie back in the bottle.

  6. k8s says:

    wow, not only is this messed up on the whole gender/sexuality level, but not all of us need partners (male or female) to open the door, buy us flowers, or pick up the check. choosing a mate on their willingness– to say nothing of their ability– to pay for shit is pretty low on my priorities. I'd much rather have a partner who listens when I talk, makes me laugh, supports my goals and dreams, and who I don't want to be apart from, say when s/he drops me off at the restaurant so s/he can park the car– i'd rather run through the rain together.
    sadly, i think the whole point of the article was that we should expect to be treated well my our mates– but the antiquated gender expectations, the heteronormative attitude, and the materialism and selfishness really stand in the way of that message.

  7. Chris Guzik says:

    I once read an article about use of the pentatonic scale in blues music. Amazingly, the author was not criticized at all for failing to note that there are other forms of music besides blues! Now that I think about it, I just cannot fathom how narrow minded that author was! Disgusting!

    • Beau says:

      Chris, that author probably did not propose that blues is THE ONE right way to do music and all the other ways are wrong. and doubtful that the musical article denigrated other musicians for NOT playing the blues.

  8. It seems to strange that in an age when women are earning most of the degrees, outnumber us in the workforce, increasingly make more than men do and are constantly telling us that they "don't need men" – we're still supposed to treat them like princesses all the time? Did this author just awaken from a 20 year nap?

    If men and women are to be equal, why not urge your female readers to practice chivalry toward men (not just vice versa)? Or are men not supposed to enjoy being treated well?

    "Clueless?" Really? To what? If anything, he is clued in to the world feminists have created and doing his best to navigate through it.

    Men practice chivalry these days on a reciprocal basis with women. So if you want to receive it, you need to give it.

    If someone is special to you, show it in every way you can…regardless of your/their gender – how about that?

    • Beau says:

      right on Tony!

    • LW-female says:

      That's the point – in real chivalry, as it would fit today, a man appreciates a woman as a woman, and it is then therefore a woman's duty to return her feminine care and respect to that man. Has NOTHING to do with gender inequality. And YES it IS a two-way street. That's the point – true ladies who understand and appreciate the specialness of chivalry will return it with wanting to treat and make their man feel like a million bucks. Why doesn't anyone get that?

  9. [...] decided we could not stand this bullsh*t a minute longer––it was time to take matters into our own hands. Sitting in the dimly lit corner [...]

  10. [...] guess I should backtrack a little bit. I am dating a man who takes excellent care of me. He makes me coffee every morning (cause I yell for it from bed.) He holds onto his power (when I try [...]

  11. [...] Is Chivalry Dead or Just Comatose? ~ Stephanie Bailey (elephantjournal.com) [...]

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