I Am At War With Myself. ~ Bryonie Wise

Via on May 9, 2012

A War Within

I feel alive today.

For the first time in over a week, possibly two, I am myself.

I recognize this body, this mind, this face in the mirror with its lines and its curves and its spots. Instead of disdain and dislike, I see love staring back at me. I see me, I feel me…and this is an astounding revelation: I am me and I am here. I am alive. I am living and breathing and I am love and I am surrounded by love. And as with every awakening, I wonder how it is I could forget the beauty and magic of this life.

I wonder how I could forget who I am.

Every few months, I wake up in a fog. No. Sometimes, it’s every month. Similar to how the city felt earlier this morning, smothered in a cloak of clouds, so heavy and dense that not even the power of our metal birds could take flight, a paralysis seizes my being and I cannot move. It’s as if I am moving in slow motion, if I am moving at all. The light in my mind has turned off and without the light, my brain gets stuck in a loop, in the darkness.

This can last one week, but if I am being honest most times it lasts two. And it feels as if I am a tiny version of myself, dressed in warrior gear, stake in hand, battling my giant mind that at different times can look like different things. A fire breathing dragon. My biggest fears and sorrows in the form of a monster. I am a little me, fighting against the darkness in my mind, the big me. I am at war with myself.

I can be told 10,000 times a day how much I am loved. How beautiful I am. I can be hugged and kissed and showered with adoration. And still, a battle rages within.  I can tell you I love you a thousand times a day. How beautiful you are. And I can hug and kiss and shower you with adoration. You are my favorite. I can see your goodness, your light. And still, within my being I continue to fight and scream and struggle.

Each time I am at war, I can feel the ground shift. Each match brings me to a different place, a deeper place, as if I am getting closer to the heart of my darkness. It is hot and I am scared, but I know to set myself truly free I must reach this place and face whatever it is that is waiting for me.

And so. I roll out my yoga mat and I move. I sit on my block and I meditate. I draw a hot bath and I soak. I lie on a table and have needles stuck in me. I fast and I sit with mystics and shamans. I play my big bowl and my little one and I sing and I sing.

I go to a park where I can walk in the trees with my dog and my love. I dig in the soil and plant seeds that I water each day. I sweep and I scrub and I clean. I find words in my thoughts and I let my fingers touch a keyboard and see them spring to life on a white space in front of my eyes.

These are my tools, my weapons in my war.

Despite the darkness I know that there is a switch somewhere that will soon be turned back on and everything will be illuminated.

I will know that I have survived and that I am me and that I am love.

 

*This piece was adapted from my blog, onbeinglove.

 

 

 

Like “I’m not Spiritual, I just practice being a good person.” on Facebook.

 

Editor: Kate Bartolotta

About Bryonie Wise

Bryonie’s life is rooted in the belief that when we come from a place of love, anything is possible. When not teaching yoga or writing her heart to the bone, she can be found frolicking in the sunshine with her camera and her dog, Winston, living her yoga. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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11 Responses to “I Am At War With Myself. ~ Bryonie Wise”

  1. Meghan Marie says:

    Beautiful. I remember (fondly) this piece from your blog… which I loved, every day. So glad your writing is being exposed to a wider audience now Bry! xo

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  3. Eric says:

    Bryonie, thanks for sharing this. I can absolutely relate–every bit of it. For some people, it's clinical and requires medication and years of therapy. Luckily, for me, after a lot of meditation, honesty and acceptance, the 'fog' comes in much less frequently and only lasts a day or 2 or a few hours. Seeing the 'monster' and the 'darkness' for what it is–a chimera, a fabrication of my ego (which is itself a fabrication :), we reconnect with the light…keep fighting the good fight.

    I'm right there with you in the park with my dog, my love, chants, a drum, and light in my heart.
    ::blessings::

    • Bryonie Wise Bryonie says:

      Hi Eric,
      Thank you for sharing your experiences and for your kind and loving words. Here's to fighting the good fight, with love, love and more love.
      xo

  4. Amy says:

    My dear friend,

    I want you to know that I always read your words, and they always make me feel real. You are blessed with talent and I am truly grateful the world can be apart of it!

    Lots of love

    ~Amy

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