i know what i know
and that is subject to change
today i learned:
how what i thought was strength doesn’t exist.
because i have no strength at all.
i am flattened, destroyed, deconstructed.
and yet at one with the earth.
i won’t get my way with anyone, just because i am a good person, for love or out of perseverance.
i may never get my way, but i get to choose who i allow and how i go on the journey
and because i have listened to words and ignored actions, i find myself stuck.
i see the difference between staying stuck and the ultimate victimhood of that
there is no self-responsibility for staying in bad situations, just a perpetuating of victimhood and martyrdom.
what would you be without those labels?
i cannot make excuses for myself or anyone else, because it isn’t truth.
truth is the tree trunk,
excuses and untruth are the leaves.
and i can’t be who anyone wants me to be…it doesn’t work.
sorry dad, mom, friends who have gone and all the men who have been in my life
i can be just plain ol’ me.
i can no longer make up for my supposed flaws, deficits or any other thing that someone would prefer i did not have in my tool chest.
i need “enough” attention.
i need to be touched, loved and cared for enough…i need to hear it too.
i need to be included.
i need to have someone who i make happy and who makes me happy and sleeps next to me more often than not.
ducks, do hide in bushes nowhere near water and mate.
i realized that as i was running and we startled each other.
i realize no matter how healthy i am (or not) i am affected by how i am treated (not made of teflon), you want me to show up and be my best puppy doggedyness, then you need to treat me as such.
when you mistreat me, i will still be a puppy dog (‘cuz its who i am), but a more somber one who wants to express her sadness and confusion.
if you don’t like puppy dogs, then please, let another dog person find me and care for me.
i know i have no idea of what will happen with my relationship, i just know i must keep moving forward and i don’t have any idea as to what that looks like or what will happen.
i am clear even in the middle of this crazy haze, that my commitment to healthy, happy love, self actualization and a bitchen’ relationship is undaunted.
i need to know that my partner requires the same.
i am okay to step into the darkness, i will come out changed, but better.
i want to throw a funeral for my childhood once and for all, i was a very unhappy child…so few knew that.
i will continue thru this pain of realizing how i recreated my childhood in so many ways over and over again…with the scary monsters…
because i never want to be here again…and the only way…is to go through it, if it doesn’t kill me first.
i see the different homes so clearly of others. those who house anger all the time, bitterness, hide, blame, victimize….and the ones who are victims, it’s a perfect marriage until one gets healthy.
i see how dysfunction keeps you bound to hell, until you have the courage to do something about it…or stay until it eats you alive and casts everything good out of your life.
i think they call that rock bottom.
i realize how we all affect others and appearances are bullshit, no matter how old the observer, they know the truth. and the more negative they witness, the more they will repeat it.
in psychology its called: “modeling,” it’s how we learn, thank you Mr. Bandura.
i know when we are treated badly, hurt and f**ked over—we hide it from no one—we’re like a magnet for more.
sharing where we are at, no matter how un-pretty, it is attracts compassion, we become a magnet for humanity.
love doesn’t come around often that is true and real, but if only one of you wants to fight for it, cherish and go both feet in….a white flag must come to surrender.
and if you both get it, want it and know you are lucky, then don’t waste it….
things that mattered yesterday….may have lost their grip today and by tomorrow are no longer on my hit parade.
there may be a new song, a new dance, a new person to show me something new, thank you.
those were just my discoveries for today.
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Editor: Kate Bartolotta