Dear Divine Feminine: I’m Sorry. ~ Jeff Brown

Via on Jun 15, 2012

I’m a warrior in transition.

I apologize for my inability to distinguish the benevolent warrior from the heartless warrior, a reflection of my own confusion dealing with the battlefields of yore. When I opened my heart too wide, I was vulnerable to attack from warring factions. I was conditioned to believe I had to stay rigid, focused, prepared for any eventuality, in the desire to protect myself and others from attack. But I went too far, and closed too tight, and eradicated the bridge between our hearts.

I am seeing this now and I am sorry.

I apologize for my perpetual absence, a reflection of my own inner absence, my inability to connect from a heart jammed tight by unresolved emotions that I did not have the tools to work through. I still lack many of these tools, but I am open to their emergence.

I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war. Like a warrior in enemy territory, I would sneak in and out of your life in the night, plundering and selfishly taking what I needed, then crawling back to the other side of the abyss with the spoils. I gave little back for fear that I would become vulnerable to attack. I had war on the brain and I could not see the river of love waiting on the other side of the battlefield. I now recognize that love is the antidote for the armoured warrior, but I could not drink the antidote in my driven state.

I apologize for not seeing you, my eyes blinded by congealed rage and unshed tears. If it is any consolation, and I imagine it is not, I could not see myself either. I saw only that which served my hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus. My mirror was a battlefield.

I apologize for my ungrounded materialism, my power driven tyrannies, my obsession with accumulation. Somehow I imagined that accumulation would protect me and those close to me, but I failed to recognize that it just perpetuated the madness. I also apologize for my egoic abuses, a reflection of my own misguided ego, pumped up to deal with an inherently competitive world. I couldn’t distinguish the healthy, confident ego from the cocky, unhealthy ego. I went much too far in the wrong direction.

I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected from the heart. I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our souls along the heart-genital highway. But there were too many defences around my heart, and no bridge could form between our souls. There were moments when your loving ways freed me from my body masks, but I had no template to stand in that heart-fire. I am sorry for this, for I know that the path you longed for was the path to God.

I apologize for my horrifying acts of violence, a reflection of my own congealed rage, my own inability to distinguish real enemies from friends. There are no words that can undo what I have done in those moments of madness. I know this, I do. I would hide my face in shame, but that won’t make things better. I need to own my misdeeds, and then find a way to believe in my capacity to move from a more loving place. I call out to other male warriors to be accountable for the actions of our gender, not in a way that is self-hating, but in a way that is courageously self-honest and genuinely compassionate. The heartfelt warrior acknowledges the error of his ways, and has the courage to do all he can to make amends over time.

I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well, but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado, that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right—the real me lives inside of my heart—but a few moments now and then was the most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to become conscious, there can only be frustration.

I was so often impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his weapons. I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.

I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as she breathes me.

I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding. I want to touch you with my heart on my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified, but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to the genitals to the great beyond. In this love-struck world, relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a devotional expression of our God-self.

I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this is the way home.

Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many more of us will follow. The road to transformation is dependent on a bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever, hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all.

I will meet you there.

 

(This article was first published at the author’s website under the title Apologies to the Divine Feminine).

  

Former lawyer who found a more heartfelt path, a tireless advocate for the disenfranchised soul, a spiritual warrior on the sacred battlefield, an over-cover agent for the divine. Although I am still only semi-conscious, I am clear as to my soul’s mission—to bring the book SOULSHAPING to anyone who might benefit from it (and my just-released spiritual documentary, Karmageddon) and to be an unmasked crusader for the authentic path, helping others to get off of false path and actualize their callings without shame or fear obstructing the lens; to help others to invite their little voice inside out of hiding, that beautiful voice that knows who we really are, that nudges us toward the path we most need to walk to feel soul satisfaction in this lifetime. Why wait for our death beds to wake up when we can do it now, step by step, one breath at a time?  You can find me on my Facebook fan page and my website, Soulshaping.com.

 Like elephant love on Facebook.

~

Editor: Lori Lothian

 

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43 Responses to “Dear Divine Feminine: I’m Sorry. ~ Jeff Brown”

  1. Mamaste says:

    Dear Jeff,
    Wow is right…so beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes.
    Bravo for the understanding , compassion and truth you've learned.
    Lucky is the girl who wins your heart.
    Blessings.
    ~Mamaste

  2. Isabel says:

    Forgiven!

  3. catnipkiss says:

    Jeff, you made me cry. I spent 5 years with a man who showed me glimmers of this, but when it came down to the big decision of actually BEING together, he just simply could not take the step. On days when my heart was generous, I imagined him saying these kind of words. On days when I am being cynical, I am convinced he stayed 5 years just for amazing sex. I hope there are some sensitive warriors left out there. Your essay gives me hope. Thanks for that! – Alexa Maxwell

  4. Cesare says:

    This isn't solely a gender issue. I am male and have been on the receiving end of just such a heartless female warrior. And like you Alexa, I saw those intermittent glimmers of vulnerability and love, but alas it was all for naught. I do look forward to one day finding the same beautiful melding of minds and bodies that Jeff speaks of. -Cesare

  5. Heidi says:

    I was brought to tears whilst reading the beautiful expression of your soul. Thank you for sharing your truth and I wish you well on your journey.
    Namaste x

  6. Juliet says:

    But for the gender identifiers in this, it could have come from my own hand. heart. head. I am a woman, and I share these sentiments about my journey. My past relationships. My present. My quest toward a better, more balanced, open hearted future for myself and my warrior daughter. These days walking out the front door takes more courage than ever. I accept this challenge – to choose my battles more mindfully – and allow my loving nature to be seen. It is good to be reminded I am not alone. :) Thank you.

  7. Freya Watson singingflute1 says:

    Amazing, beautiful, heart-felt words – that touched me deeply. Such deep honesty brings out the divinity in those of us who read it and understand. Thank you, Jeff. x

  8. MatBoy says:

    Haven't read the article yet but the title is SO funny! hehe

  9. Padma Kadag says:

    Certainly this is within the range of do what you can to sell yourself and product….Another Infomercial

  10. Jeff Brown says:

    Oh Padma, such cynicism. Surely you cannot know my intention.

    • Padma Kadag says:

      Your intention is not the point and certainly my comment does not need to be belabored, it was an observation after visiting your website. This is an infomercial on a free popular blog and you use it to your advantage to make a living. You are in the business of spirituality and certainly that is acceptable in this society and accepted by the editor of EJ. Most of the "bloggers" here are doing just as you are. They find a niche and then they sell it. Sounds american to me. By the way, cynicism has nothing to do with my original comment.

      • Ben_Ralston says:

        Padma, with love:
        To believe that the world of materialism (making a living) and spirituality are two is to do a great dis-service to yourself and the world around you.. There is only one world. And there is no reason why we all cannot make a living whilst simultaneously expressing our true nature.

  11. Emily Alp emilyalp says:

    I have tears in my eyes. Thank you. Someone just broke up with me after 1.5 years because of what you describe … he kept saying "I'm too weak, i thought I could do this but I can't .. and I don't know what being in love is or if I ever even was in love with you." That was two weeks ago and I just started eating and sleeping semi-normally this weekend. Thank you for the reminder that there is hope for someone who is ready, because God knows I did everything I could to comfort and assure … and God knows how much of a knife in the chest that was.

    • catnipkiss says:

      Hang in there Emily. I had the same experience, and I was the one who had to end it after 5 years. As my therapist said, "A clueless asshole is STILL an asshole" – that may be a slight misquote….. ;) All we can do is be compassionate for these poor lost men who will never recieve the immense treasure of full intimacy with a woman – and then RUN the other direction, girl, and find someone who does not need to be coaxed and prodded to reveal themselves. These scared sad guys should come with warning labels (but we wouldn't believe them, we fall for them and think we might be the ONE woman to change it all.) There ARE men out there who are ready and can have a real relationship, and if you don't believe me, go read some of Jackie Summers articles here or on the Good Men Project. I'm looking for one, too. Let's wish each other the best of luck!!!!- Alexa Maxwell

      • @emilyalp says:

        Alexa, you really are an angel. Am wishing you the very best of luck and am grateful that you took the time to empathize and say such nice things, out of the kindness of your heart. You deserve a ready giver. Am thinking of you and, in solidarity, will be keen in the lookout and selection. Please feel free to keep in touch … I am easily found on facebook/the web. <3<3<3

  12. Grace says:

    I think you are BRAVE! Thank you for sharing your heart, for facing your fears! I write about ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) my self published book is soon to be released; it is about the masculine and the feminine aspects of humanity and creation coming together once more; The Divine Couple. My website will soon be up; it is about Sacred Sexuality; the connection of soul through sex. I more than forgive you; as a woman, and as an expression of the Divine Feminine; I support you.

    God Bless,

    Gracie

  13. John Curtis Crawford says:

    Welcome home warrior and welcome to the heartland. Thank you for your courage in acknowledging the beating of your hidden heart. Your words speak well for our gender and for the hope that we may all forge a more compassionate species from the rubble of our past actions. We all need each other now more than ever. Now you are a true defender of the faith and I honor you for it.
    Bright blessings,
    John

  14. Tabitha says:

    Wow…thank you!

  15. DHend2012 says:

    " I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. "

    Truth in that. I like to think this is just something that comes to us all in time. Part of growing more comfortable with who we are.

  16. Kim says:

    Why apologize when an explanation would serve.

  17. Kim Hudson kim says:

    I believe the art of the apology is a true mark of a Lover King (Warrior). It is so beautiful when it comes from a position of power like this. It demonstrates the discernment to recognize something of value and to use his strength to build a connection where weakness and ego has destroyed it. Thank you for extending yourself across the distance between us.

  18. Tony in Berkeley says:

    When a woman has the courage to write a similar apology to the divine masculine, we'll truly be making progress. I'm not holding my breath waiting on that one…

    • @emilyalp says:

      Couldn't agree with you more, Tony. However, I must say that I think the Divine Feminine (not to be confused with Feminist, which is a type of agreement with the male-dominated state of society in terms of everything being political, gain-worthy, yang, definite and forced) is underrated and underrepresented as well as under-acknowledged.

      I think if we scratch below the surface of this generous piece it could be gender neutral. It could be an apology in either direction for using another person without opening the self up to the risk in loving. It is a program, to use others. It is something that needs to drop, in anyone, male or female. And it just so happens that this program can be replaced by something that is classically feminine in its very energetic properties: connection, vulnerability, softness, openness.

      Finally, to show that I agree with you, I will say that I have hurt men. But as a woman, the need to connect, be vulnerable, soft and open was so engrained that i didn't string them along (because it wasn't even satisfying for me!). I might have dated them briefly and then told them it wouldn't work. (Any relationships that I got into were based on connection, on enriching the heart, not quid pro quo.) When I would break up with a man, yes, it hurt them but it didn't destroy them, because either it was such a short thing or, if it was longer, there was a sense that something was off and the hearts just knew. Is it fair for me to say that while some women WILL string a man along for a long time for utilitarian purposes (acting very masculine and down-to-business of what they will get out of it), it is more common that men will treat a relationship as a utilitarian institution at least while they are young because their mothers were not as keen on teaching them to give and open the heart (as much society was about teaching them to account for everything, calculate and wear a bullet-proof vest)?

      I am being controversial, I know. But, if the author will allow me, I am writing in a way that is asking for consideration of the level of representation of a concept more than a 'which gender is wrong and right.'

      Tony, please forgive me if I have unpacked this idea in a way that is weird or contrarian … I actually do agree with you and attempt to gender neutralize this while honoring a chance that the soft, feminine is in the spotlight for once, and put there by a man. :)

  19. [...] by:http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/06/dear-divine-feminine-im-sorry-jeff-brown/) Share this:ShareFacebookTumblrStumbleUponTwitterPrintPinterestDiggEmailLike this:LikeBe the first [...]

  20. [...] by:http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/06/dear-divine-feminine-im-sorry-jeff-brown/) Share this:ShareFacebookTumblrStumbleUponTwitterPrintPinterestDiggEmailLike this:LikeBe the first [...]

  21. Tony in Berkeley says:

    Thanks! I think the big point being missed here is that there is a big difference between being male, being masculine, and the diving masculine (just as there is for the feminine).

    Sure, men and masculine energy has has dominated the political sphere for a long time but its remarkable that women are not willing to admit that they've ruled home life for generations. The home is a feminine matriarchy. And in wielding that power, they've proven to be just as domineering and hurtful as men and the masculine can be. But for some reason, women today, even as they assume even more power in broader society, are too often unwilling to take responsibility for their contribution to the dysfunction we've co-created. This is why I doubt we'll ever see a woman ever writing such a heartfelt and unqualified apology as Jeff Brown has done above. I'd love to be wrong about this and think it would be a very healthy thing for men and women, the feminine and the masculine.

    And as for the feminine being in the spotlight "for once" – that seems baffling. The feminine is spotlighted and celebrated every day here on Elephant Journal, on TV every day, in 80% of advertising, in yoga studios (a female dominated world), and at every wedding ceremony (because its "her" day, not "his"), etc. The vast majority of modern American pop culture is a celebration of the feminine.

    What is not spotlighted these days (because its not so easily found) is the real, authentic divine feminine and divine masculine. Lots of people are engaged in quasi-spiritual pubic masturbation but few really trying to live i their divine essence.

    Perhaps its better if we focus on the "divine" and less on the feminine or masculine…since it seems too easy to just slap on the divine label and wear it around town for all to see.

  22. Kim says:

    Divine essence———-where neither judgement nor gender resides.

  23. Stephanie says:

    this is one of the most beautiful texts I ve ever read. What you say I feel every day with my man. Thank you so much for putting in words your most intimate battles. I think it is the proof that you have won them already. The sacred masculine is rising yeah !

  24. STS says:

    All those apologies coming from a so called "warrior" that has literally fallen on his sword was unauthentic to say the least. I think we need to own our faults before we make them. If we still decide to make them, that was our choice, and no apology is going to "right" that. Saying you didn't know at the time is BS. The only time I would join you as a warrior would be as your opponent. You make it sounds like the masculine just wants a piece of ass and the professionalism of the apology makes one think your very in tune to what needs to be said to get laid again.

  25. [...] The new age spiritual scene is all about it right recently. Examples include the Dear Women video, Dear Divine Feminine, I’m Sorry, Letter of Apology to Men, the Hoʻoponopono methos, etc. And, while I like the Call to the Sacred [...]

  26. [...] Dear Divine Feminine: I’m Sorry. ~ Jeff Brown (elephantjournal.com) [...]

  27. [...] http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/06/dear-divine-feminine-im-sorry-jeff-brown/ Share this:PrintFacebookEmailTwitterStumbleUponRedditDiggLinkedInLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. By AscendingStarseed • Posted in Spirituality • Tagged battle of the sex's, divine feminine, divine masculine, spirituality, war against women 0 [...]

  28. [...] awakening man has reverence for the divine feminine, in all her forms. He celebrates the wonder that is woman. He is respectful, honouring and [...]

  29. [...] as king. What bullshit! In the end, Ramesh Menon’s translation of The Ramayana is an elegy to the cruelty of masculine entitlement, posing as a work of great devotion. While William Buck’s translation lacks Menon’s literary [...]

  30. Very beautiful, and no apology is necessary. The Divine Feminine took part in the dance you were dancing.

  31. el says:

    Is THE AUTHOR SINGLE ?

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