So, this whole concept of being an adult has been a prevalent thematic device in my life lately.
I’m 30 years old, starting to want babies, maybe even a girlfriend first. I’ve been trying not to think about how much I want a home with a dope kitchen and garden. I started a Pinterest account with it all in mind.
I want to make lots of money so I can support great artists and fill my home and world with what they make, and even more money so that I can invest in great companies that help people and the planet. And I want to make all my money in a noble fashion, of course. Man, the hippie, 21-year-old version of myself would hardly recognize me now.
So, like we do, I’ve been evaluating what I want to keep from different points of my past and what I want to leave behind.
I’ll keep my mischievous spirit for now, but get rid of my worry. I’ll keep my curiosity, but I’ll get rid of feeling like I don’t fit in. Keep speaking from my heart, but lose all the extra words and vagary. Doing this, I am taking a look at who I am in relationship to myself.
But while practicing to remain in that razor state of self and other love that leaves me feeling connected, honest and free, I’m also, inevitably, struck by things that knock me off my balance and show me where I still have to learn. Things like my parents.
So I’ve read that we all create these issues with ourselves based on how we feel our parents should have loved us in the past. So, it seems I’m no exception.
So, I’ve been working on fully, fully, fully, fully accepting the past and my parents for who they are—having a thankful energy towards them for bringing me into this world and for doing the best they could with the resources and experiences they had. I’ve been working there for a while actually. It hurt real bad before, so I’ve kinda had to work on forgiving the past and myself.
Then something weird happened. Over the course of the last few weeks, my take on things began shifting from this mental thought of forgiveness (which was an effort towards forgiveness, I now realize), to me just loving them.
The reason it’s shifting is because I am completely loving myself as I am.
Self-love gives me a fearlessness to go after the future I want, knowing that I have a safety net no matter what, but it also allows me to look upon the past as perfect and okay, and for me to allow others to just be themselves.
So, today this scenario played out: I had been trying to get in touch with my dad for like, weeks. He did call to wish me a happy birthday a few weeks ago, but I hadn’t been able to tell him yet, except in texts, about my new-found writing success. Plus, I also have a few other stories that I’ve been holding back texting, waiting on the right time to share over the phone.
So I just kept calling. Leaving messages every few days. The last few days, every day. But not with a nervous energy. It was more of a— “Hey, I want to share some things. I’ve got some cool stories, things you’ll be proud of. Hope all’s well with you.” Well, in honesty, I think every message was better than the one before it.
And finally today, I got a hold of him. He’s a doctor, and works 70 hours a week sometimes. Super busy. We only got to speak for like, one minute, but in that minute, I got confirmation beyond what I would have dreamed that this way of treating people pays off.
I started off by telling him how happy I was to hear his voice. And I apologized for calling so much, hoping I wasn’t bugging him.
“You never bug me,” he started, and I instantly had a tear in my eye. “I’m glad you want to share everything with me. I’ve been so busy, I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls. I’m in rounds so I can’t talk now, but I’ll call you later…thanks for not giving up on me.”
Thanks for not giving up on me. My God. After we hung up, I don’t know if I’ve ever cried harder. It was like one of those two minute rain storms that just opens up and dumps.
For me, this connection, and this release in me was more confirmation that all you got to do is keep loving. Seek to understand where people actually are right now, to connect, to love. No judging. Well, that’s the practice.
Editor: Brianna Bemel