Dear Ex-Boyfriend. ~ Rebekah McClaskey

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on Jul 7, 2012
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The title of ex-boyfriend doesn’t quite seem to fit.

It would be like calling the manager of the local Chili’s a CEO. Ex-boyfriend is too prestigious. I have racked my brain to find an appropriate designation for your current place in my life. At first I came up with Dick Bag. But then I realized I like penis and that having a bag of dicks—which I pretty much own due to my vibrator collection—is not a bad thing.

Then I just kept screaming, mother f*cker! About the seventh time it came out of my mouth, I realized I don’t want you anywhere near my family ever again. Feeling guilty for visualizing you doing my mother, I decided to go the sophisticated route. You are clearly emotionally unavailable.

This title immediately doubled back and left me thinking: “Shit, that means I’m emotionally damaged if I dated an emotionally unavailable, dick bag, mother f*cker like you.”  So, in the face of this heart-wrenching, life-altering, whiskey-drinking, deciding-who-gets-the-dog phase, I have decided the best thing to do is deem you a part of my past.

And move forward. I’m just not sure how.

I got off work last night around six and I am so accustomed to driving to your house, I found myself turning into your neighborhood before I realized what I was doing. Okay, that is not totally true. I could have passed the exit that takes me across the overpass, past the high-school, and two left turns later, onto your block.

But, I didn’t.

That stupid song we always used to make fun of came on the radio. Then I remembered you still have, like, ten of my old CDs and you still have my iPod. Okay, that is only partially true. I found my iPod in my car console. Your gym card is still there too. The point is, yes you did see my car drive past your place. Yes, I wanted to get out and knock on your door and ask you all sorts of crazy questions.

Photo: Alton

But, I didn’t.

Instead, I went home, got on Facebook, saw you deleted me as a friend, called one of my friends who is still your Facebook friend and asked her to spy on your page. I ate half a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream while I waited for her to call back.

She said she didn’t see anything. You had added a few friends, but they were all guys. Your profile picture was the same. After I got off of the phone with her, I wanted to call you. I wanted to text you. Okay, I did text you—twice. You never got back to me. A week has gone by. I have driven straight home after work. I’ve started to work out again. I haven’t texted.

But, I still don’t understand how—after all this time together—we ended up here. I’m so frustrated and confused by the stupid fact I still love you. And, by the way, hate you. If I join an online dating service, maybe I will just stop thinking about you.

I went on a date with a guy I met online. He was alright looking, but all I could do was think about you. After the date was over, I went home and deleted my account. It took me a while to fall asleep and in the morning, after a night of dreaming about you, I woke up wondering if we could get back together? Maybe we could be friends again? Maybe we could just have sex?

I miss you.

Shit, it has been over a month and I haven’t heard anything from you. I have heard about you from friends. They mostly say, “He’s busy.”

You know what, I’m busy too! I have a whole career to develop. I’m going to start taking yoga classes, kick-boxing classes and I’m starting a raw food diet. You know what? I’m going to start a blog about how great it is to be single. In fact, I’m glad we broke up. It has given me a chance to discover what really matters to me.

Damn it.

You texted back and said, “My phone has been acting weird and I just got your texts.”

Now what do I do?

Breaking-up is not easy to do. That’s a given. But, it is difficult for many reasons. The first is that every expectation created, the very foundation of your daily life, comes to a maddening, screeching end. Your life-path shifts and in the middle of the marathon, you twist your ankle. Further, all the time you have invested gets bought out by rejection.

Then, hours, upon days, upon years are spent negotiating with rejection. I’m not sure there is such a thing as moving on. Rather, a better deal gets put on the table, or you create a better deal for yourself. You mortgage your life experience for a new trajectory. You drop the transmission in second gear and head through emotionally rough terrain.

Until you invite a new deal into your life, you will be stuck in negotiations. Maybe you have been through several break-ups and you know how to handle yourself until you feel better. Maybe you are going through your first significant separation. Whatever the scenario is, know this: you may be single again but you don’t have to be alone.

~

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Rebekah McClaskey is the creator of Break-up Rehab and the founder of Transform Now Counseling. She graduated with her Master’s in Counseling from Naropa University in the spring of 2011. Rebekah has four years experience in the field of psychology and she specializes in transforming suffering into victory. In other words, she is skilled at assisting you in answering the question, “Now what do I do?” You can learn more about Rebekah and about Break-up Rehab at transformnowcounseling.com. And you can find Rebekah on her FB page, Love Improv.

~

Editor: Lori Lothian

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About Rebekah McClaskey

Rebekah is an Love and Relationship Specialist. She heads up a private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, CA that focuses on helping people move forward after a breakup or divorce. Rebekah also is the creator of Pure Touch Workshops which provide a safe space for people to give and receive loving touch. If it is relationship support you need, Rebekah is the specialist to go to. You can follow Rebekah & Breakup Rehab on Twitter, here. Rebekah published a fantastic DYI book called: Break-up Rehab: Start Over Stronger. The book is available to download or or purchase on Amazon & Createspace.com. Not only can you buy this rad book, you can also connect with Rebekah at her website, on Facebook page and on Twitter. 

Comments

25 Responses to “Dear Ex-Boyfriend. ~ Rebekah McClaskey”

  1. Mamaste says:

    Just intro'd on FB to: Culture & Funny.
    ~Mamaste

  2. yogasamurai says:

    JOURNALISTIC ETHICS ALERT

    This issue has been raised before — but I will raise it again. Since the author of this post is not writing under a pseudonym, and is apparently identifying a real person from her life, she is, in effect, taking a free but disguised public shot at her ex-, and no doubt there are many people who might read this post who actually know who the person is, and others who might easily discover it.

    It's basically character assassination – and from a legal standpoint, it could be libel. And that makes EJ a party to it. If I were a friend, I would certainly counsel him to retain an attorney and impress upon the editors of EJ who are notorious on this score, to have this post removed.

    I'm sure the author is a perfectly decent person – just one with a resentment. However, all her public venting of this resentment in this fashion tells us is how utterly unqualified she is to provide professional counseling on relationships.

    Waylon/Bob/Kate — I really think you should take this down.

    You made a huge fuss over not publishing the Babarazzi all because they refused to identify themselves by their real name – but somehow you think a person who does identify herself by her (presumed) real name can disparage a third party because he's not named – even though his identity by inference, is easily discovered.

    I don't get it.

  3. yogasamurai says:

    On the other hand, if she made it up – and 2/3 of the immense personal suffering people write about on here is – then leave it?

    Maybe just say: "The events and scenarios depicted in this post are entirely fictional. The author, in keeping with EJ's standard author guidelines, is merely demonstrating the eccentricities of the Modern Yoga Drama Princess."

    In other words, JAA – "Just Another Asana."

    I'd be delighted either way! :o))))))))))))

  4. Rebekah McClaskey Rebekah says:

    This is hypothetical Satyre. The intention is to normalize the range of emotions people go through after break up.

  5. Jordan Epstein jhepstein says:

    Great piece!

    That roller coaster of emotions we all know so well. I love your use of "new deal". I think of dating like negotiations sometimes too, at least when I'm not getting myself in over my head. Always having a BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) is a great way to have leverage and not put too many of your eggs in one basket! Haha, some self-advice that I could heed at this time, actually.

    I love once you can get past the hate/love with an ex, and you've reached self acceptance and other forgiveness, and it's just still love, but you then got your "new deal" too. Super dope feeling.

    Anyway, thanks again for the ride!

  6. yogasamurai says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Lee Campbell says:

    I felt this piece to be entirely real, and in no way felt it was the writer's personal story. As I read through the comments I felt it comical that such a stand was taken on privacy as I felt it was a fictional piece describing real emotion when dealing with a break up. The amount of effort put in by the above comments feels to me pointless and absurd. It seems apparent that a chord was struck in the above reader and regulating his reaction in private may be of service. This piece was honest, real, and definetly normalized the neurotic behaviors I have felt when dealing with previous break ups in my life. If anything, I would want to this therapist as she clearly can get behind and empathize with the thought patterns and compulsions that occur post break up. In short I would encourage the previous post writer to ask the question of "is this really true?" regarding the writer's intention before defaming her character in such an unskillful and impulsive way. Namaste.

  8. […] been exactly two years since me and my ex broke up. It wasn’t an awful relationship, but it was pretty bad. It took me a while to feel good about […]

  9. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about break up.

    Regards

  10. Right away I am ready to do my breakfast, later than having my breakfast coming over again to

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