Why Women Love Older Men. ~ Freya Watson

Via on Jul 9, 2012


He looks at me with those eyes that have seen so much, and I feel held. I feel safe.

Not physically, necessarily, nor even financially. At this stage, I can pretty much look after myself. I don’t need a father figure or a knight on a white horse—although from time to time, it can be nice to know he’s there.

What I want is to feel held emotionally, energetically. I need to be seen for who I am and appreciated for the journey I’ve had and will continue to have. I appreciate what I’ve come through and who I have become as a result—and I appreciate others who can see the value in that.


I’m in my mid-forties and at some stage in my late thirties I realized I was no longer all that attracted to younger men, or even to many men my own age. It wasn’t that I didn’t find them physically attractive—I’m as happy to admire a beautiful body or face as anyone else.

But my own values had shifted. I was beginning to feel as if I had travelled a long journey. I had a child and a troubled marriage at the time, and I was digging deep into my own stuff, finding out who I was, what I really valued and needed, and what I wanted from life.

And as I looked around, I found myself meeting the eyes of older men, seeing a reflection of their own journeys and what they had become as a result. I was attracted by the depth I saw, the understanding and ability to accept life with all its ups and downs. I felt an understanding from them that was missing in so many of those younger than me, and in many of my peers.

Not all older men, of course.

Some had closed down and retreated in response to the hurts they’d had. Some just weren’t interested in looking inward. But my radar was set for those men who had lived a bit, explored life and their own inner world and who had come to a deeper understanding of themselves and what they valued about life.

I felt like I’d discovered a new world, come over some kind of threshold and was suddenly privy to another dimension I hadn’t realized was there. The secret initiation for my entry into this world of mature men was that I had done some of my own work. As I tuned in more deeply to myself, I discovered that I was tuning in more deeply to others—and my frequency seemed to be lining up with older men.

It’s not that this depth can’t exist in a younger man, but there is a wisdom that can come with years (what a cliché), which can’t be faked.

Men who have a few decades of adult life under their belt, and still manage to be open to what life brings them, come with a guarantee of sorts, if such a thing exists. A guarantee that they won’t fold at the first sign of trouble. A guarantee that they can weather a storm and still find a smile. A guarantee of having been road-tested.

In the same way I’ve been road-tested—and I’m sure some of those who were involved in the road test would consider me to have failed miserably at times. So I like being able to compare battle scars with a man. How many have you got?  How have they healed?  How have they made you stronger?  There’s no pretense at being perfect.There is an understanding, though, that we’ve both learned from our journeys and have a deeper awareness of, and compassion for, ourselves and others as a result.

It can be fun too, laughing over the highs and lows of previous decades. As a woman who has cried, laughed, loved, given birth, worked her ass off, dreamed, soared and flunked through a few decades, how could I feel fully held and seen by someone who’s barely had a full decade of life under his belt?  Perhaps it’s possible, and the odd time when I get disenchanted by the complexities of older men I do entertain the idea of a younger man. But it never lasts long.

And then there’s also the greater appreciation for what we have while it’s still there—the physical passion, the shared love and even the simple friendship. All this seems to be more intense as you realize it won’t always be, and hasn’t always been, there. I’m not sure when it hits, but certainly at some stage in my early forties I became acutely aware that my body wouldn’t hold up indefinitely, that I mightn’t always have a willing sexual partner available, and that time was marching on. Strangely, though, this lends an edge to experiences—a desire to fully savor life while we can.

And of course there are still other elements—the way a man looks, speaks, and moves. There’s our shared interests, values and  his passions. The love that can flare up between two people regardless of age or apparent compatibility. It’s not all about age and I readily admit that.

But I have to admit it. I have a bias. I prefer mature men.


And if you’d rather just date no one, take a Walk the Talk with Waylon Lewis:


Editor: Lori Lothian

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About Freya Watson

As a respected author and teacher, how we ground our heart-felt truths into the everyday experience of relationships, work and family is the foundation for a lot of my work. Finding our 'truth' is a challenge in itself, but living it day to day is an even bigger challenge. My books are available on Amazon and I am currently lying low while I work on several volumes of fiction. You can also find me on Facebook and read more on my blog. If you like what I write, you can subscribe to my Elephant Journal Feed here .


24 Responses to “Why Women Love Older Men. ~ Freya Watson”

  1. Freya,
    As an older man who is age "equal opportunity", I totally LOVE your post. I's open, vulnerable AND makes sense.
    Thanks so much,

  2. Lisa says:

    I love this. I couldn't agree more.

  3. Jen says:

    Me too. I'm of a similar mentality on the subject. Thanks for sharing this.

  4. […] Aboard!” is definitely this person’s motto. Since a showboater is usually exquisitely good looking, flirtatious, and sexy, “potentials” flock to them like bees to […]

  5. […] Maturity is very preferred because childish-ism have no place in a world full of danger and cutting throat competition. Since very prehistoric age, men have fought and cruelly killed one another for scarce resource. It used to be land and sheep but now is money. Fighting and killing is serious matter, the loser will put his family in a serious jeopardy and so how can such a serious responsibility be placed on the shoulder of the weak and child-like man? Never would a woman even dream of that ever. Men who have a few decades of adult life under their belt, and still manage to be open to what life brings them, come with a guarantee of sorts, if such a thing exists. A guarantee that they won’t fold at the first sign of trouble. A guarantee that they can weather a storm and still find a smile. A guarantee of having been road-tested. -ElephantJourney […]

  6. al diro says:

    great article, as I'm 60 and my wife is 38. We've been together 7 years and are super in love! Her life force fills me every day. I feel I got a '2nd' spin at the game of life, with her.

  7. Dalena says:

    I can completely relate with this article. My man is 16 years older than me but we balance eachother out that I feel like no man my age can quite understand. When we are together, everything else in the world fades. It’s the way that you can connect with one another on all sorts of levels that make it special. The wiser they are, the more they appreciate time and love.

  8. gabi patel says:

    Older men often are past the BS and drama stages.. It's much easier to relate.

  9. Bet says:

    Thank you! I feel so validated & couldn’t agree more.

  10. Angeline says:

    You took the words right from my mouth.

  11. MD1 says:

    I'm 56 and my soon to be fiance is 35. We have both never been happier. This article is right on point.

  12. Jess says:

    I find this to be true… “There’s no pretense at being perfect.There is an understanding, though, that we’ve both learned from our journeys and have a deeper awareness of, and compassion for, ourselves and others as a result.” I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 35. Sadly my husband passed on at age 45 last year… but the love we shared was spectacular and I would do it all again.

  13. Loved this! Thank you for putting my thoughts into words

  14. Stephanie says:

    Thank you for this!! I'm 31 and my fiance is 53. I've dated plenty of men around my age and found them to be immature, clingy and ready to fold at the slightest inconvenience. My man has my back 110% and when life gets hard, we show each other that we can get through it and will be ok. It's reassuring and refreshing to be with someone who's been through the battle and can help you through it. I love him more than I thought possible and wouldn't give him up for anything.

  15. Nicola says:

    Totally agree on every level.

  16. Henry says:

    Wow, that explains so well how I feel with my girlfriend. I'm 64 and she is 41. We met 2 years ago. She says I make her feel warm which I think could translate into being feeling held as per the opening sentence. I feel so lucky to have found her every day we are together. Thanks for this article.

  17. Kevin says:

    Very reassuring. I may not be misinterpreting some looks. Not, it can’t be; it could be.

  18. Sabrina says:

    Thank you so much for putting my deepest feelings into such beautiful words. I am going through this experience at the moment and nothing has ever felt that real and magical at once. And thank you for all the uplifting and reassuring comments!

  19. jas says:

    Great article. I'm 41 & my partner 64, & could never be without home. We've been together 6 years now. Beautiful comments.

  20. JIm says:

    Finally an article by a woman that explains the upside of dating older men. I'm divorced, 49, my GF is 45. My ex is 43 and has a 25 year old BF. I enjoy someone I can relate to, and my girl feels the same. Kudos !

  21. Bohemian Moon says:

    Freya, I concur! I am 40 and have spent the past 4 years dating mostly older men (15+ years older), briefly dabbled with a 24 year old and quickly returned to my 10+ years older men. What a relief to be seen, held and breathing in the same space as someone whose scars are medals of survival…and compassion.

  22. Angella Bennett says:

    I can definately relate to this article. Thanks for sharing. Would love to read more of your books.

  23. Sparkle Polanta says:

    This is beautiful. I’ve always been drawn to older men because of the reasons specified by the article. Right now, I have a special friend who’s 17 years my senior (I’m 27) and it’s great to spend time with him.

  24. Warwick says:

    I am 71, and my partner is 63. I suffered greatly in my earlier years, but we are now leading an adventurous new life on the west coast of South America, and loving every minute. She is still an active legal professional with my support, and I have a vast new circle of family and friends, as well as a whole new continent to explore, and we are!! And the communication and affection are unparalleled……

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