Getting Through the Divorce Transition
When a marriage ends, it’s normal to feel a sense of regret and lost time. It can seem as though years of your life have been wasted, time you will never be able to reclaim. Many people stay in unhappy marriages too long and once out, wish they had ended things sooner. Others going through divorce feel they gave up their whole life for their marriage only to end up with nothing (except the children in certain circumstances).
One of the greatest lessons divorce has to offer is how to maintain a learning attitude toward life even in the hardest of times. Turning your focus from what you didn’t get toward what you gained can change your entire view of your circumstances, your life and the world as a whole. Finding the gifts in something that appears to be awful (or really was awful) may seem impossible, but it is absolutely doable.
Two things to keep in mind during the divorce process:
Our minds tend to have a negativity bias comma making it hard to only think of the bad. Try balancing every negative thought with a realistic one. For example, you may think “I will never be able to trust someone again” —balance this thought with— “I have been hurt and betrayed, which has taught me to be careful about who I open my heart to in the future.”
Size Doesn’t Matter
Only looking at the outcome of your marriage and divorce will make it hard to see the small nuggets of good that came from your marriage. Marriages are made of nuances and minutia so instead of telling yourself you wasted half your life, remind yourself of a simple, small moment in time when you were happy while married.
We often associate learning and gifts with positivity and pleasant experiences. Many of us were not taught as children (or as adults) to learn from our negative life experiences. A tragedy is just that, something bad that we chalk up to “life” as we move on with the opportunity for growth and learning. There is enough injustice in divorce so be fair by giving yourself the full opportunity to gain something from this devastating life challenge. You will be a better person for it.
Allison Pescosolido, M.A. and Andra Brosh, Ph.D. are experts in everything Divorce. They co-founded Divorce Detox, a full service center to transform the lives of individuals transitioning through divorce. Their success in helping clients quickly identify, manage, and overcome, the specific challenges of separation and divorce have led them to become the Nation’s leading divorce recovery experts. Based in West Hollywood, California, The Divorce Detox™ Center offers national support (in person, by telephone and online) for anyone going through separation, divorce, marriage crisis and relationship issues.
Editor: Edith Lazenby
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.