Hitting a SNAG: 6 Sensitive New Age Guys to Avoid Dating. ~ Teresa Ewan

Via on Sep 30, 2012

I will begin this with a caveat—on average, men are pretty freaking rad.

They give good advice about technology and other men. They are normally pretty straight up and say what they mean. They look good in jeans. They like dogs and/or cats. They’re funny and will often share their beer with you.

The other day my mom and I were discussing my tragic love life and the dude I was dating who just wanted to talk about his feelings all the time and got pissed when I didn’t mention his new haircut. My mom  said, “Maybe, all this “men sharing their feelings” thing isn’t such a great idea. I remember the good old days when men used to repress everything and keep it to themselves, it was much less stressful.”

I L’dMAO. It’s not true of course. It’s good that dudes are “allowed” to share nowadays, but it seems to be a trend that sharing and new agey-ness is just a front for rampant narcissism and a refusal to be a grown up. So, as a handy guide, I have compiled a list of new agey, sensitive types that my friends and I have learned to avoid like the plague.

1. The Slashie (model/actor/crystal guy): I knew a girl who dated this bongo drum playing, ex male-model turned drama student. He was beautiful to look at but more high strung than a racing greyhound on cocaine. He was always talking about his motivation and his feelings, and always watching what he ate like a vegan hawk (swooping down on unsuspecting carrots and mung beans—run, mung beans, run!). Whenever he had a relationship with someone, he would give her a piece of his crystal—giving new meaning to “breaking off a piece of that” for sure. All of these things are not sexy. Avoid, avoid, avoid!

2. The Musician Guy: He loves his guitar more than you. He will always love his guitar more than you. The only thing he might like more than his guitar is attention. John Mayer falls into this category. Enough said.

3. The No Sex Guy: “I’ve decided to be celibate in order to clear my chakras.” This could mean one of two things: “I’m using this as a complicated way to get you to convince me that sex is really a spiritual practice and that you’re so sexy I just couldn’t resist you. So, I’ll break my vow of celibacy to be with you,” (this guy has been celibate for a week and a half—he thinks that’s a really long time).

Or, he has major sexual issues. I dated this guy whose long term girlfriend left him for another woman. We hooked up a couple of times, and finally he dumped me saying, “I was too sexual for him and I made him feel too animal.” WTF? Really, I’m not that sexual. Hello, issues.

This is not the only experience I’ve had with this type of guy. The popular media leads us to believe that all men are bonk-crazed sex fiends, not true, not in the new age category. Still a bit disconcerting is the “shower immediately after sex” guy. You finish and he rushes out to shower. Nothing makes a girl feel less comfortable than the “rush to the shower” guy (except maybe for the “I’ve never showered guy”—this does come up in the new age category unfortunately). I’ve even heard of a dude saying, “I don’t really enjoy blowjobs, because it makes me feel like I don’t respect you.” Whaaaaaat? What man doesn’t like blow jobs? I thought one of the biggest relationship issues out there was not enough blowjobs.

4. The Camera Man: Ahhh the camera man, the least new agey of the new age guys. Slightly unkempt, manly and always looking for the best angle. My friend dated “the camera man.” They were in a foreign country. She was presenting a travel program. He gave her a music box that played Love Me Tender. He said she had changed his life. She believed this until she was shown the music box that played Love Me Tender given to several other presenters by the same camera man. I suspect the dude had a whole warehouse of the things. It might suck when your boyfriend gives you a set of wrenches for your birthday, but at least then you know he lacks the imagination to pull off something like the music box double whammy.

5. The Conspiracy Theorist: Talking about Chemtrails does not get me hot, that is all. There is a fine line between a keen and healthy skepticism and paranoid schizophrenia, make sure that your conspiracy theorist is on the right side of the crazy line.

6.The Bad Writer: Lord preserve us from “the bad writer.” He’s moody. He thinks he’s clever. He takes a really long time to answer anything because he’s looking for a suitably pithy phrase. He thinks no one understands him—this is because no one understands him (writing without the bourgeois convention of punctuation does not make you a genius—it makes you incoherent). He makes bi-polar disorder look like it isn’t filled with enough highs and lows. He asks you what you think about his work—there is no right answer. He sucks. He will suck the life out of you, too. Leave ASAP.

There are more I’m sure. These are just some of the types I’ve discovered in my extensive research. Please fill the comments section with your advice on people not to date, or if you’ve experienced any of the above magnificent male specimens in the wild.

 

Teresa Ewan is a South African living in New Zealand. She has an irrational dislike of cycle shorts and is currently obsessed with mason jars. She has been an actress, an English teacher, worked in media and advertising and has generally done a gazillion different jobs and has an opinion on everything, which she believes has uniquely prepared her to have a whole lot of stuff to write about. She tries to write as much as possible—which is made harder by the way her cat likes to sit on her keyboard while she’s using it. Read her blog :http://blessedunrestthat.blogspot.co.nz

~

Editors: Sara McKeown and Lori Lothian

 

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27 Responses to “Hitting a SNAG: 6 Sensitive New Age Guys to Avoid Dating. ~ Teresa Ewan”

  1. DaveTelf says:

    This is hilarious. "Long-term girlfriend left him for another woman." haha Good for her.

    I'm going to start integrating the term SNAG into my vocabulary. Thank you.

  2. Rachel Loeb says:

    Hilarious. Keep writing!

  3. Chris Latkowski says:

    Thanks for asking about the guy-side Kate

    There is a disturbing ambient sexism that stinks up this article. I don't see any coherent types of "new agegy" guys here that are to be avoided, but rather this poor lady's trail of unsuccessful attempts to connect with another man. Beginning an article with a sexist anecdote such as…"Maybe, all this “men sharing their feelings” thing isn’t such a great idea. I remember the good old days when men used to repress everything and keep it to themselves, it was much less stressful…” is hardly a genuine insight into the new-mans faults. Conversely, it shows a fairly underdeveloped sense of what she is seeking in relationship.
    The only coherent theme I can extract from this woman's article is her obsession with "Me." A self centered, entitled blurb of how she wasn't met or was able to connect with seemingly harmless guys. The sad truth is everyone has their issues no matter how new-school or old-school they are. And in all fairness you don't have to like any of these men or their issues. But to make arbitrary categories of men that don't suit your needs is not funny, but kinda sad.
    this discussion could begin to trail into the depths of a very real issue of female driven sexism that is rarely spoken of. I wont go there. But just a tip: How desirous a man is of blow-jobs (or sex for that matter) is a very poor meter for his manliness. Although I could how in the misguided Sex in the City worldview, this could be a problem.

    Chris L

    • Angie says:

      You said this lovely :) <3 I am sure this is just for giggles though ;) *I hope* I love everyone's uniqueness and we're coming to a time of consciousnesses… non judgmental ^_^

    • Teresa says:

      hey Chris

      When I wrote the article I did think about the issue of female sexism – and I did wonder how it would be received if it were written by a dude about ladies… I do think it's a valid issue – having said that I didn't target this at all men… and it isn't just my experience (when I say a friend I mean a friend not a "friend") also I thought it was amusing.

      Thank you for your concerns about my ability to connect with men… I'm touched. I also hope and believe that in the magnificent and multi- faceted cornucopia of human diversity that there is someone for everyone and that out there somewhere as we speak "the slashie" is having a tempeh casserole with a beautiful woman and as he hands her a piece of his crystal she thinks to herself 'Where have you been all my life!"

      • Chris Latkowski says:

        Thanks for the response Teresa,

        Forgive any felt heat in the retort to your article. you use some triggering words and dance on some fiery charnel grounds. In complete honesty I have (and had) personal gripes with issues you mentioned. But when words like "sensitive" and "new-age," "Feelings" and "avoid," it tends to support an unfortunate male legacy that feelings are unmanly and not welcome by society.

        C

        • Teresa says:

          And thanks for your reply :) I guess part of the article was a dig a guys using the Sensitive and new age label for their own agendas -which kind of pisses me off cause it gives really kind sensitive men who are working to express their feelings a bad name… but then labels are always a disaster waiting to happen lol.

          There's a lot of stuff in there that's pretty hot -button. Like "no-sex guy'" and the fact that a lot of male sexuality has been labeled as bad or disrespectful, leaviing a lot of men between a rock and a proverbial hard place (snort – pun alert) – 'how sexy is too sexy – when does a compliment become harassment?"

          It seems like it can be a f%$king hard time to be a man at the moment, and I salute guys who are working to create label free examples of beautiful masculinity. I'm really glad when what I write can create a dialogue. I'd like to hear more from men's point of view about the article…

          • Scott Kondraschow says:

            Do you feel that there are females who tow a similar line in using the Sensitive and new age label for their own agendas as well?

          • Teresa says:

            Oh hell yeah! I think that certain people will use what ever label suits them to justify their behaviour… Jesus, Yoga, diet awareness, just having 'really high standards' the list just goes on and on … also we're all human and we do dumb things sometimes… I, myself have a varied and extensive list of dumb shit I've done… I won't list it here because I like people to stay awake.

    • rich says:

      well said thanks

    • Louise Brooks says:

      Dear Chris,
      Please get a sense of humor.

      • Chris Latkowski says:

        Humor is a double edged blade Louise,
        It has the quality of pointing out and laughing at our cultural obscurities while also bringing these points to the forefront of consideration. Sorry if I jumped straight to the second. However, it doesnt make this less true for men.

  4. MissCory says:

    I like this post better than "dating a yoga goddess" It's hilarious– and even when sometimes I find myself wishing that my boyfriend was a little more "new agey" I am reminded by all the people I met in Boulder and why I never dated them!! If your man has somewhat of a meditation practice, respects your doing yoga in front of the football game, and can communicate effectively when conflict arises, I think you're all set…..I have a bomb crystal collection that I don't need a piece of yours– and I only like talking about chemtrails for like, ten minutes, not an hour or 2. And the camera man, spot on! If you're constantly looking for the right angle, you're probably not very present in that moment.

    Not to be too critical either, I love men. It's also these types of guys who make the world go round!!

  5. Kevin says:

    What do any of these categories have to do with "sensitive new-age"? Answer: nothing.

  6. James says:

    Haha. Yes, it's fun for you ladies to have a laugh at our expense. I wonder how you'd react if a man wrote something similar about new age chicks? Ah, but men are tougher, aren't they? :P
    FYI – I too used to be uncomfortable with blowjobs. I think I had the antiquated view that women didn't really want to do that sort of thing, so I felt like I was disrespecting her. Eventually, I realised they did like doing it – and thank god I did! Now I love them! :)
    I hope you find a better man to remove all this from your mind! :) 3>

    • Teresa says:

      ha ha James – yeah boys are tough! I really hate the fact that finding a woman attractive has become seen as disrespectful or objectifying – it's kind of sad. It's the way that people do it e.g. "I have expressed admiration for your boobies now you must sleep with me lesser being" is bad, "you're such a smart, sexy woman… I would be honored if you allowed me into your bed chamber" Good! lol

      (I also have a couple of stories from guy friends where women have come on to them – they have respectfully declined and the woman has turned into a total mental-case harpie – also NOT COOL!)

  7. ivanteach says:

    I read yesterday where Dame Edna once said, 'Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.' I agree with Teresa's protest that her characterizations aren't an indictment of a whole gender (my own in fact), they're quite specific and amusing. Altogether the essay does highlight the fact that there will always be folks trying to use any cultural modality to get over, and there are always those who ride the pendulum to the ridiculous extreme. And while it is tough to re-define what being a man means (thanks for that acknowledgement!), it's also an opportunity. How can one be strong, and embody the yang decisiveness that living in society demands, yet also caring? (Btw, and just fyi, and as I'm sure Teresa knows, the term SNAG has been around for at least 15 years.)

  8. Fiona says:

    What about the new liar? They are found on-line with great pictures of themselves and great riveting info on themselves and they say all the right things!! They then hit you up to visit and once you have acquired a ticket they are gone. OR…….they just ask for money!! Hellooooo???? Cyberguy, you are so not real!!

    • Teresa says:

      I've heard of people like that – I've only ever had the – that was soooo not a picture of you – experience. Internet dating intimidates me!

    • Vision_Quest2 says:

      Those guys live only on Facebook … they do not want to connect with you in real life. Even if they live 300 yards away from you. You can't make plans with them. And they "invite" you to things you cannot afford or get to – without offering ways to help get you there.

      Without, at minimum offering meeting at a ________ place and at _______ time–in terms that are brick-and-mortar, enough into the future, Earthling terms.

      Just a step removed from the cyberstalker. Except THESE guys make you feel too poor and too much that you don't have a life. [I don't, but that's not their business ... they're early-retired .... grrrrr]

      Anyway, I have been off of Facebook for over a month … will not do Timeline …

  9. please says:

    I get it, it is meant to be humorous. It's not meant to paint a gender, etc. But I assure you, the actually sensitive types that you by association lump with the above, will feel a jab upon reading it because they can see a little bit of themselves in some of those stereotypes.

    And what if you did run into a John Mayer type? Would you objectify him as a fixed concept or delve into his character and try to empathize why a being made for human connection finds more stability with his guitar?

    It's precisely this that keeps them bottled up, they are afraid they'll end up being avoided like the plague as you put.

    • Teresa says:

      Yeah in real life every case is so specific you'd be crazy not to take it person by person, nothing beats having a conversation with someone and actually listening to them. Having said that – you do know pretty fast if the guy is just a sensitive human being or if he's a guitar narcissist – soooooo different (I'm a musician so I spend a looot of time with both boys and guitars lol)

      I mean there are a whole lot of female new agey stereotypes out there as well… e.g. Tarot Girl (my brother dated one of these) every decision made with the tarot cards… every discussion mitigated by the tarot cards…. it didn't help that every time she did the cards for their relationship she would get "the tower' Uh oh (for non-tarot types that can mean a big crumbling break-up) unsurprisingly they broke up…. prediction or tarot-noia… we will never know dum dum duuuuuuum

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