F**k It All.

Via on Dec 31, 2012
Photo: Martinak15
Photo: Martinak15

*Warning! Strong language ahead!

The cookies are stale.

The garbage disposal spews rancid, slim-covered muck. The toilet doesn’t flush, but regurgitates like a geyser. The doorbell gets stuck at ding, but lost its downward facing dong. There’s a distinct putrid smell of something dead in the garage. I can’t find it and I don’t fucking care.

Do I have to feed the kids? Instead, I’ll put out an automated pet food dispenser.

It’s been a long day, week, month, life and the responsibilities keep adding up. The pain of living in this world is grueling. Trying to juggle it all without collapsing is next to immortality. I want to get off this fucking merry-go-round. My horse is dead.

Some days are fuck-filled and the harshness is real. The abrasiveness cuts to the core of our personal bullshit. Crazy how anger plays a part in this delusion; I use it to deflect and declare temporary insanity. It is a façade that befriends my triple-headed monster of anxiety, fear and sadness. I enter into an adult-size temper tantrum swearing, kicking and screaming. They are all ugly hues of shit. Staying angry creates avoidance from dealing with the inner crap.

When my negative emotions soar, I definitely take things way too fucking personally. My lid is screwed on a little too tight. I could combust and that’s probably what I should do. Let it go. Yeah, it’s another catchy cliché, with way too much significance to ignore.

So what to do when the shit-hits-the-fan and goes into a reverse, spiraling death-ray of internalizing torture?

I breathe.

Yes, breathe and not that shallow shit somewhere behind the ears, stuck in the jaw and balancing gingerly on the collar bones, but the deeper stuff.

I hate the simplicity of it too, but it’s free and portable.

When my mind even slightly quiets and my breathing gets a little deeper, I begin to relax and the bullshit gradually dissipates.

I notice the universe hasn’t and won’t give up on me. This is shocking and comforting. It’s a downright, aha moment.

Therefore, I breathe and rest in a small pocket of infinite, precious, crazy-fucked-up but truly unconditional love.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone….

~ Phillip Phillips, Home Lyrics

 

 

~Ed: Kate Konieczny & Brianna B.

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About Carolyn Riker

Carolyn is an elementary teacher, a former mental health counselor, writer and a poet who finds comfort and balance in her kids, nature, music and her sweet cat Copper. She can be seen sipping soy lattes, nibbling on dark chocolate or savoring a full-bodied red wine. Introspective, forthright, kind and compassionate, she intertwines life with yoga, meditating and studying Vedic Astrology. She also writes for Journey of the Heart and Rebelle Society. Carolyn can be reached at Facebook.

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8 Responses to “F**k It All.”

  1. Xav says:

    The timing of this piece is perfect. I am in need of taking a moment to fully exhale. Hallelujah that the holiday season is nearing an end.

    • Carolyn says:

      Thanks for commenting. It’s a rough time of year and there’s so many responsibilities. Sometimes we just need to stop and breathe!

  2. katdfinns says:

    Carolyn, This piece is strong and important, which means you must be also. Thank you.

  3. Diane Abbondanza says:

    Amazing, Insightful and once again, saying what we all sometimes feel. Thanks for sharing with me!

    • Carolyn says:

      Thanks Diane! So glad you enjoyed the read. I tell it like it is for all of us to survive this CRAZY-world. :-)

  4. Melissa G says:

    Absolutely fabulous Carolyn!!! Your way with words is exquisite!

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