Because I Don’t Need Any More Regrets.

Via on Jan 10, 2013

Source: imgfave.com via Margaret on Pinterest

I spent a lot of my life being angry, and what a complete f^*@ing waste of time that was.

The running current of frustration that would later flavor my life flooded in when my father suddenly had a heart attack and passed away when I was 11. He had just turned 40 less than a month before. The possibility of losing him, or anyone I loved, didn’t seem like it could happen. I don’t think I really thought it was possible, and then in one split second, it was.

He was gone.

I wasn’t ever going to get to say the things I’d been waiting to say. There were no more weekend visits, no more Wednesday nights at Chelsea’s Restaurant, eating hot wings and watching each other smile. There was no more of me worrying that he could be right when he said he just had a feeling that he wouldn’t live past 40.

It made me sick that he was right.

It made me sick that I hadn’t spent more time with him, that so many times I hadn’t even wanted to go there to visit in the first place; it made me sick that I had lost my chance to get to know the man I would die to spend just a minute with now.

No more. All done. Finished.

And that’s when the regret set in. That’s when the anger moved in, that’s when frustration and resentment and total heartbreak snatched up my soul and began squeezing. I know for sure that this is exactly when my world began to shatter; this is the precise point where most of my brightness dripped out from my seams.

Everything changed. I changed, and changed, and changed, and changed.

My childhood bubble exploded, and suddenly I just didn’t feel like a kid anymore. I remember distinctly feeling as though everything as I knew it was over, probably because it was.

Two deaths for the price of one—so unfair, and I knew it; I felt it. I still do.

It’s taken me a long time to get honest enough with myself for the truth to rise up from under what I wanted to believe. I’ve still got a lot of work to do. I’m still angry about the shit that happened. I thought I’d let it go, I thought I’d done enough Warrior Two holds, enough handstanding, enough full-split-ing, enough teaching and writing and looking in the mirror, but it turns out I need to go deeper still; I need to wipe out that last little bit of fog there clouding the mirror, because I need to see myself even more clearly if I want to start to change.

So that’s what I’ll be doing this year—sitting with myself, getting to know myself on a deeper level than I have before. I’m going in, and in, and in; I’m traveling straight to the cracks and sewing myself up at the seams. This year I am moving through this, I’m committing myself to change, this year I am really, truly going to be taking a nice long, lingering look at myself in the mirror of my life.

Because I need to know where I am to know how to get to where I’m going.

Because I want to let go of who I know myself to be for who I can potentially become.

Because I don’t want to have any more regrets.

I don’t want to be running from the emptiness that haunts me, fighting off the furry that taunts me, I don’t want to miss any more moments, I don’t want to waste any more time holding onto the past when I could be moving toward my future.

Now is the time to change.

We only have so much time. We only have so many second chances, well, so many, until we have none.

We never know when things are going to change, so best to start changing now.

 

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Ed: Brianna Bemel

About Kelli Prieur

Kelli Prieur is a mother, a teacher, a writer and a retreat facilitator, running her business, Kelli’s Heart Glow Yoga Retreats, internationally as well as locally, throughout Australia. She’s spent the last two years welcoming in her deepest and most profound of teacher yet, her daughter, little Miss Ayanna Raine Desenberg. The past twenty-four months have brimmed and boiled with love, overflowed with growth and have torn at the seams with challenges. There have been endless opportunities for growth and expansion, for faith and surrender, for finding softness, and for finding strength. It’s been a life-changing, eye-opening, awe-inspiring experience, so she’s been writing about it, about life, about what she’s practicing, what she’s loving and loathing, what’s breaking her down and carrying her though. She writes about all the splendor and the simplicity. Just life. And a lot of it on her blog. She teaches yoga classes as offerings and reminders that you can be happy, and feel full, and satisfied, and light. You can find her classes packed full of gems of shiny challenges and pearls of deep breathing and dramatic transformation, Monday nights and Wednesday mornings at Preshana Yoga in Sydney, Australia; at a Soul Steps event she and her partner, DJ Kid Kenobi, collaborate on, creating a 3 hour musically- infused journey into the heart through deep twists, deep heart-openers, and deep forward folds; or at one of her Heart Glow Yoga Retreats—next hit of tropical transformation is this Oct. 25-Nov. 2 in Maui, Hawaii!!! For more on Kelli, visit her website: kellisheartglow.com, her blog: kellisheartglow.blogspot.com, or her FaceBook page: https://www.facebook.com/kellisheartglowyogaretreats.

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19 Responses to “Because I Don’t Need Any More Regrets.”

  1. Kate Southward says:

    What a beautiful post Kelli, thanks for sharing. Keep letting go, never give up :) Lv Kate xo

  2. Amy says:

    Even those of us who haven't experienced an incredible loss like yours need this reminder. Thank you for your honesty. Here's to a brighter future!

  3. Kelli Prieur Kelli says:

    Thank you so much Kate, Carrie and Amy XXXX

  4. Fleur says:

    Honest, real and raw – thanks for opening an old wound and sharing……it is all of the shit that makes you who you are, it allows you to be a great teacher, mum and writer xxx

  5. tim says:

    thank you Kelli, for your openness and honesty, and sharing your commitments to self.
    enjoy your journey and the views.
    i look forward to hearing more of your discoveries :)

  6. Kelli Prieur kelli says:

    THANK YOU Tim and Fleur!! XXX

  7. Susanne says:

    Kelli, your writing is poetic and profound all at the same time, My own traumas have made me do exactly the same thing ….& that is ………to go inside yourself & unearth all there is to bring up & out. A lifetime later I didn't know that this would bring me PEACE. Only because of this I discovered that my purpose in life is to experience peace. From this all things are possible.
    Nanna Sue

  8. Ben Ralston Ben_Ralston says:

    Beautiful writing Kelli – courageous, truthful, profound. Thank you.
    I think you might find this video that I just made – about some of the subjects you touch on here – useful and interesting. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/the-3-path

  9. Kelli Prieur Kelli says:

    Awww love you Nanna Sue!!

  10. Ros says:

    Kelli your posts are amazing, I wish I still lived in Oz so we could meet!

  11. Ros says:

    Didn’t mean that to sound creepy!

  12. Kelli Prieur kelli says:

    Don't worry Ros it didn't!

  13. [...] This is what a young woman said to me as I was meandering through the crowd during this past New Year’s run; these three words truly resonated with me. They made me realize how often I say “I’m sorry” when it’s unnecessary. Women in particular seem to have the propensity to too frequently utter this little phrase. Don’t be sorry; instead, live and learn with no regrets. [...]

  14. Kelli Prieur Kelli says:

    Thank you so much for the video Ben! I'll watch today!! THANKS!!

  15. Anne Falkowski Anne says:

    This made me cry.

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