Crazy’s Side of the Story.

Via on Jan 18, 2013

Cinderella

I knew in my gut that I needed to get out of the relationship(s) that brought out my crazy, but for whatever reason that felt like ripping off a layer of skin and seemed impossible for far, far too long…

Hello, again. I’m the girl who doesn’t believe in mean people, only people who act in mean ways because they haven’t learned better yet. So, here’s my next question: What if there are no crazy people, only people who act in crazy ways because they haven’t learned better yet?

This may be a harder sell, but hear me out, please. Because I know crazy. I’ve been crazy, back when I was younger and too deep in a relationship with someone whose own stability and loyalty were on shaky ground.

Alcohol and drugs can hurl those of us with unstable moods and senses of self into deep, dark crazy fast. Splayed-out-on-the-street-and-bawling crazy. Kicking, punching, grabbing-for-the-steering-wheel crazy.

Parked across the street watching him talk to another woman, certain-he’s-going-to-leave-you-for-her crazy.

For some reason (and “Daddy issues” may describe it as well as anything else) some of us lack the sense of self and self-worth as young women (or men). We don’t know how to be anything other than crazy when struggling to grasp onto the tattered bonds that seemingly held us together in the past, desperately hoping they might somehow again.

The accumulated weight of all the screw-ups, pain and anger only fuel the insecure person’s deep-rooted fear that she really is, at the core, the horrible person she believes herself to be. And so she acts that way, reaping the rewards of pain and devastation that she thinks she deserves.

It’s a terrible thing to inflict on someone else but it’s also a terrible way to live. And, to state the obvious, it takes two to tango.

The author gives solid cautionary advice although, in my opinion, the best can be found in the comments:

Trust your instincts.

I knew in my gut that I needed to get out of the relationship(s) that brought out my crazy, but for whatever reason, that felt like ripping off a layer of skin and seemed impossible for far, far too long…many people had seen my inner beast and will doubtless remember me forever as a raving madwoman.

I did get out, though. Today, I’m happily married to a guy who made it clear early on he wasn’t going to play those kinds of games, that he deserved better and so did I.

That whatever was going on with me wasn’t about him and he wasn’t going to be my emotional punching bag.

I knew he was right and, honestly, was relieved to have someone establish healthy boundaries. My respect for him skyrocketed the day he drew that line.

How did miserable me get this chance at redemption? Call it luck, providence, who knows, but I was ready to leave behind my lesser self and step up to be the woman he believed I could be. And I think I have done that.

Still, I recognize that crazy girl. She’s a part of me. And I guess that’s why I don’t want to see her labeled and excised from the rest of us, human beings struggling to find our way in a confusing world in which too many of us get too close too fast, before we are emotionally ready to stand on our own feet.

A world where pop culture tells us our salvation can be found in the eyes of another rather than inside ourselves.

I truly believe Miss Crazy can and will be somebody’s happy, healthy partner some day. It will take maturity, probably therapy, possibly medication and a hell of a lot of hard work.

It will take someone who can see her lovely self shining through the shade of bad behavior and love her despite her baggage.

Anonymous author, that wasn’t you and that’s okay. The self-preservation instinct is a healthy and vital one. I’m sorry for your suffering and scars; true healing will come when you see that there was crazy in the behavior and choices of your former love and in your fraught relationship—not in the soul of the struggling human being whom you once found irresistible.

That diamond is as much a part of her as the demon. Forgive her, forgive yourself and move on. She needs faith, hope and healing and the world needs it, too.

I’m here to tell you it’s possible.

 

 

 

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Assistant Ed: Jennifer Townsend
Ed: Kate Bartolotta

About Amy Taylor

Amy Taylor writes about parenting, yoga and other journeys for jconline.com, GaiamTV, elephant journal and others. Find her biweekly columns here. She completed 200-hour YTT at CITYOGA in Indianapolis in 2008 and teaches classes for all ages at  Community Yoga. When she's not writing or practicing yoga, Amy loves to read, research and have adventures with her husband and twin sons. Follow her on Twitter.

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7 Responses to “Crazy’s Side of the Story.”

  1. jcc says:

    Brave and beautiful… good on ya, and thank you for your courage. Not everyone is able to get past the crazy, but it certainly is hopeful to believe they/we can. Again, I applaud and thank you for sharing.

  2. [...] I’m not blameless, and sometimes I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m trying. I have my own problems and I can be reluctant to go forward, but I know love isn’t the same or as great when you [...]

  3. [...] tried to keep all this stuff in, I really did. I tried my best to not be one of those psychotic girlfriends that we women read and hear about and secretly fear [...]

  4. ironicka says:

    This is beautiful. I wrote an article recently that said I have never met a woman who confessed to doing such things. You are a rare breed of fierce authenticity. Thank you so much for sharing. <3

  5. ironicka says:

    Hi again, Amy, just thought I'd link you the article I'm referring to: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-go

    I'm going to mention you in a comment :)

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