Okay, maybe my 8th grade Catholic school uniform was a wee bit short…

Would you believe me if I told you that was the style? The shorter the funner, I always say! And speaking of fun, as luck would have it, this girl went to a private high school right across the street from UCLA… Picture young chicks in school girl uniforms in near proximity to beer, college guys and no supervision. I’m convinced a dirty old man is responsible for this particular city planning. Bravo, whoever you are…

My poor parents. They tried. Out of all the advice and the heart-to-heart talks they gave me, this is what I remember (and mostly ignored).

1. Don’t Call Boys. They don’t like it. Period. Guys will pretty much eat dirt to get what they want, and they love the hunt. They’ll chase you, they’ll Instagram-stalk you, they’ll whittle you down until they get you to turn your head in their direction They’ll pretend to “like” your 800 cat photos and that stupid Lady GaGa song. My point is, if they want you, you’ll know.

2. Don’t wear too much makeup. Do you want to look like Brooke Shields in “Pretty Baby” when she played a 12-year-old prostitute? Unless you’re an acclaimed French filmmaker, it’s not art, it’s… something else. I don’t want to use the word “tart” because I would sound like your grandmother, so let’s just say when it comes to makeup, less is more. If you’re an exceptionally intelligent ivy-league actressy type of babe, that’s one thing; but there’s only, like, four. Just lay off the face paint.

3. Never put your drink down at a party. This might be the best advice ever. I never take Altoids from strangers, I don’t get anything from the salad bar at the market and I never indulge in brownies at parties where Mary Jane is invited. You might think this is going too far, but I’m not sorry. Would you rather wake up with some ugly, misshapen murderous freak? I didn’t think so.

4. Don’t shave your legs above the knees. This makes no sense, kind of like, “don’t take the car on the freeway,” or “don’t have sex on the first date.” I say, go ahead and clean it all up. What’s the worst that can happen?

5. Don’t do anything stupid & get arrested. Handcuffs aren’t as cute as you think. I remember my time in the back of a cop car, way back when … I may have drunk a little too much champagne, straight out of the bottle (OG, baby!), when I drove up next to Mr. Cutie Cute on Sunset Blvd and challenged him to a drag race. The next thing you know, I’m just a little bit arrested and thrown in the slammer which, sadly, didn’t stop me from flirting with the cops. Trust me, you won’t be all giggles when you’re sitting in court at 8 am waiting for your DUI case to be called.

6. Don’t swear, get a tattoo, or chew gum. It’s not ladylike. This is all good stuff. But I never said I was a lady.

7. Read a lot, get educated. There’s something genuinely sexy about the scent of books… Maybe that’s why I became a writer. Add a pair of eyeglasses, and you’re the smart man’s pin-up girl.

8. Don’t wear earrings. They’re tacky. This is actually a great point. When I was young, I was (erroneously) told that Marilyn Monroe never wore earrings so nothing would distract from her beauty. (And while earrings can be pretty stupid, Marilyn also sang a sweet little ditty about diamonds, which I could maybe stoop to wearing on my ears.)

9. Bake. It sounds so Pollyanna, but damn, this is great advice. Baking is almost therapeutic. I’m surprised I’m not 200 pounds. I could spend all day in the kitchen, apron on, baking cookies and pies like it’s 1955. Make that kitchen your bitch. Men dig it.

So thank you mom, and yeah, maybe that uniform was scandalously short… But what’s so bad about a little fun?

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