10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do with Looks).

Via on Feb 16, 2013
dream bicycle

I love women.

I love the way they seem to always smell good; how they can change topics five times a minute while talking with their girlfriends and yet it makes sense to them.

I love the way women touch and kiss me and the way they surrender when orgasming.

This is a response to Melanie Curtin’s article celebrating the masculine 10 Things I Find Sexy About Men (That Aren’t All About Sex); thank you, Melanie, for seeing the masculine and admiring our strengths and gifts as men—for seeing our inherent sexiness and for being turned on by us.

Reading your article, I felt excited to be a man, as all the things you have listed feel good for me also. I feel seen, loved and proud to be masculine and to enjoy the amazing feminine that you and all the other women out there embody.

After reading your article, I was inspired to write an equal celebration of the feminine and express my appreciation of woman’s inherent sexiness and the turn-on I feel by that.

I love the shape of their bodies, how it curves as a complement to mine and is soft even when it’s firm.

I love that we are different and the way we arrange and think about life is different, although may seem similar from the outside.

I love the way we balance each other out and when we come together as man and woman, something unique arises for both of us.

The feminine has me in awe and I am most inspired to hold the stage so that you blossom and radiate and bring forth that love the universe thrives on so we may play and love freely enjoying this…whatever this is. All right, all right that is a getting a bit too flowery. Let’s get on with it!

10. Sassiness

A woman who isn’t afraid to express her boundaries clearly and playfully is hot.

I didn’t even know this word until about six months ago when I met a woman who embodied sassiness to me, and damn, was it sexy. She took no shit from nobody; her attitude was fun and snappy and I found myself enjoying it immensely, even when I was on the receiving end of it.

I see sassiness as a woman’s ability to hold to her own intentions in a way that is clear, direct and playful. It is when she can snap out saucy one-liners that state what her boundaries are in a way that leaves room for playful banter and further exploring those boundaries. She is telling me what is and isn’t okay and she is giving me the space to play with that, to lean into it and see what is a solid boundary and what is negotiable.

Knowing her boundaries, I get to know her more; it is an opportunity for opening and connecting, when I am solid enough to not turn into a big suck if she blows me off.

9. Freely Expresses her Moods

This one used to bother and confound me (a lot) until I got into a better relationship with the emotionality of the feminine and began to see how awesome the full spectrum of it is.

I love how in tune women are with their emotions and how expressive and honest they are. How, when she is in a loving mood she will randomly show me affection, cuddling me from behind or kiss me out of nowhere and when the storm is swirling inside of her, how powerful her wrath can be. And, when I settle into myself and enjoy the show, all of it is fun and damn, a woman can be incredibly sexy in her wrath.

And, most of all I love that when I am fully with her, whatever mood she’s in, it’s always an opportunity for opening and deeper connection.

make up free mondays

8. Takes Care of Herself

One of my favorite things is to lie in bed and watch a woman prepare herself for the day. Watching her apply various lotions, moisturizers and makeup that I have absolutely no idea about; seeing her get dressed—and a woman never wears the first thing she puts on—there is always at least one change if not more. To go into the bathroom and see a rack of various shampoos, soaps and creams.

That a woman carries around a handbag, a clutch, a satchel, or a whatever. (I didn’t even know what a clutch was until a woman friend told me about it earlier this week!) That she has a huge collection of shoes and clothes, and that she has her favorites which are on rotation—and that she has the ability to dress for any event.

I love how a woman will even be thinking about what she is going to wear days before any event.

I know how much effort you women put into yourself and we appreciate it and enjoy it. We may not know exactly what you’re doing, we notice, (even when we act like we don’t).

A woman’s appearance is art in motion; it is a creative process that I have little idea of. Manicures, pedicures, shaving, waxing, you name it! And then, she finishes dressing and tells me to hurry up. I put on my pants and shirt in two minutes and am waiting by the door while she is still applying the finishing touches.

7. Takes Care of Sh*t!

This is also a cliché, yet I find it so true. I know how to wash my own clothes and fold them (sort of); I can keep a house clean and pay bills. I have even mended my own stuff with a needle and thread on the odd occasion and yet, I do none of it well. My clothes are never as clean or smell as good as when a woman washes them; I have no idea how to remove a stain and I tend to throw stuff onto shelves or into drawers as they never fold quite right. I also hate paying bills and having to follow the in and out flow of money (luckily I currently have zero bills in my life).

Women are just better at this stuff and when I have a woman who takes care of this, it makes my life less stressful. Let’s swap. I’ll take care of all the “manly” stuff; fixing and moving heavy stuff around and you can take care of the womanly stuff and make things look and smell good!

6. Appreciates my Help

Source: via Sharyl on Pinterest

Truly helping a woman out makes me feel awesome. When I can give her a piggyback ride across a puddle or move something heavy for her and when she is genuinely grateful for my help.

Some women refuse help when offered and that makes me sad, hey, most of us don’t want anything in return. So, when a woman asks, or graciously accepts help, it’s sexy because we both get to feel good.

5. Her smile

I love it when a woman smiles; I mean really smiles, in a way that her heart and soul shine. It doesn’t matter what it’s directed at, it could be a baby, a puppy, a cute animal, her boyfriend, husband or even better, at me!

Any which way, every time a woman smiles that beautiful smile a fairy is born and the world becomes a slightly more beautiful place.


4. The Way She Moves

It doesn’t matter how a woman dances, just that she feels the music and lets it move her.

There was one young woman, a friend and I, met a while ago while traveling to an island in Thailand. She danced in a way that I had never seen before; bobbing up and down and her tongue would poke out of her mouth occasionally in this incredibly cute way.

It wasn’t particularly sexy, in the way we generally think about sexy dancing, yet both my friend and I were so captivated by the way she moved and enjoyed the music that we danced with her for several hours straight. It was a turn-on as she was dancing in a way that was her expression and that is what is sexy.

Of course it is also hot when a woman does dance sexy, and dances with her friends, and yes, dances with me!

3. Communicates Honestly and Openly

As adults, we can communicate as such. I find it incredibly attractive when a woman can communicate clearly. I am a pretty sensitive guy in terms of being able to feel and interpret people’s emotions, but I’m still a guy and my powers in that field pale in comparison to a woman’s awareness of subtle nuances of feelings and emotions.

Sometimes, I just don’t know what you are feeling and why and when you can tell me clearly whatever it is that is going on for you in the moment; it makes it so much more rewarding and easy to be with you. I appreciate you for exploring what is actually going on with me, so that we can find a way to mutually avoid conflict.

Bravely following the thread whether it leads us to hurt, pain or otherwise, we’re opening ourselves up.

2. Trusts Me

couple in fieldIn the past, women in my life never seemed to have trouble deciding where to go or what to eat. The fact that they looked at me to make the decisions put stress and pressure on me. I used to scream in my head, “Why can’t she just choose?”

Now, I see that as a total cop-out, as the man, I am privileged when she asks me to take the lead. I now thoroughly enjoy having some kind of plan or idea of where we are going and what we’re doing; I like to design a date in line with what a particular woman inspires in me to explore, or to spontaneously see what happens as we come together in our own unique way. I like to make it mysterious and fun, an adventure that we get to act out together and however it may unfold, it is so sexy when a woman can trust me and go along with me.

Whatever happens, I will take care of her and for the duration of our time together my biggest responsibility is for her to feel safe and enjoy the hell out of herself!

And together, we join in a dance that never quite fits what I had envisioned and is almost always way better than I expected as she brings along her own flavor and radiance to the experience. This trust can go deeper than just a date. When she sees my honesty and authenticity and trusts me, that’s just hot. Then, I can relax and open up also.

1. Shares her feelings

This is something new to me. More lately, the women in my life express to me how they feel in their body in the moment when I do or say something. And, it is incredibly sexy.

In that moment of them expressing themselves I feel very close to them, there is a circuit that is completed between us and we are dropping into the present moment.

A somewhat tame example of this (and I have other examples that are way hotter) was when I was sitting holding hands under the table with a cute girl that I like. She said, quietly to me only, that when she’s with me she has butterflies in her stomach. Wow! To share something like that with me, about me, feels incredible. She was being vulnerable, letting me know that I actually have an impact on her, and that’s very, very sexy!

In these moments I feel most like a man, knowing that this woman with me truly feels something by my very presence, that me being myself has moved her.

Anytime a woman shows her vulnerabilities; anger, hurt, fear or sadness, it allows us to be closer to one another and go deeper. I think this ability is one of the cornerstones of having an authentic relationship. And that is what I think everyone is truly looking for, whether they are aware of it or not.


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Assistant Ed: Karla Rodas/Ed: Bryonie Wise


(Source: leoswanderlust.tumblr.com via Michele on Pinterest)






About Damien Bohler

Damien Bohler is a nomadic soul increasingly delighted by his existence on this strange and wonderful planet. He enjoys writing, climbing trees, walking barefoot, permaculture, integral theory and holding optimistic idealism for the potential of the human species. You can keep informed about his upcoming book series "Evolutionary Relating", read his other writings at his website, MonkeysCorner or be his Facebook friend .



87 Responses to “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do with Looks).”

  1. melodie says:

    I love this article. It made me smile from ear to ear. Made me feel good for being a woman and sharing those gifts with the men in my life.Thank-you for writing it.

    From what I got from number 7, you like being taken care of or cared for. The thing is the phrasing comes off as "women are better at house work, they do it better than any man can". These are skills and not naturally inherent to women. It's part of our current reality that women tend to do a kind of "double duty". We are "naturally" better at house work and there for should do most of it and work as well. These assumptions are so ingrained in our culture that we don't even think about them. I however think it is important to point out. We can only change what we are aware of.

    I love men and I know that you are not somehow deficient in your ability to do laundry and pay bills. Practice makes perfect!

    Thank-you again for writing such a thoughtful article.

  2. […] I just published my first article anywhere other than here on this blog! It’s a big thing for me and from the feedback I have […]

  3. Maggie McReynolds says:

    I have some really mixed feelings about this piece. I love that you appreciate a woman holding boundaries (though you seem to only like it if she expresses them playfully, as opposed to stating them directly). I love that you like to see women taking care of themselves (but you talk exclusively about the way we tend to our appearance–despite the title of your piece , , , where is your appreciation for us eating well, or working out, or getting mammograms, or something that takes care of our bodies, not just the pretty part for you to admire?) You write a few times about coming to appreciate some of these things only "recently," so I get that you're learning and growing. But honestly? What I mostly hear in this piece is that you appreciate that women make sure they look pretty for you, that women can take care of your shit, that women make you feel big and strong by allowing you to lift heavy objects and hoist them over puddles, and that they share their feelings with you–as long as those feelings are about you.

    Truly, perhaps I'm misreading. But while I applaud your intent, many of the specifics in this piece made me cringe a little. Where is your appreciation for a woman's strength, independence from you, and thoughts, feelings and opinions about things that have nothing to do with you?

  4. Kelly says:

    I really, really enjoyed this piece! I have to disagree with Maggie on this one. I think that the majority of us try to get ready in the morning and get pretty for ourselves, not necessarily for men. But when a man appreciates our efforts, that is really nice! A perk! Men and women compliment each other in so many ways. We can take advantage of a man's strength and ability to make decisions easily and, in turn, men can take advantage of our softness, our opinions and our ability to smooth out any situation. Yes, women are strong and independent…but we are also more than that. We are creatures of love. I think the ability to understand our strengths and weaknesses in one another is amazing and helpful.

  5. Amber says:

    can't dance. don't wear makeup. generally don't have time to be indecisive about clothes.
    so. yeah. guess i don't qualify.

  6. Mia says:

    Woman are not looking after themselves when they apply lotions and makeup. They are applying chemicals to the body which are harmfull and cause cancer. :-(

  7. Karen says:

    Like Maggie, I appreciate your intent with this article, it's clear, you love women – hooray! Maybe the title could have been "10 Things I find Sexy in Some Women Who Wear Make up, Are Good at Tidying Up and Are Small Enough for Me To Pick Up and Carry and May or May not Be Representative of All Women in General".

    Perhaps a few more proof reads and editing from some women (if they weren't too busy cleaning, putting on makeup or waiting patiently by the side of a puddle for you to come and carry them over to the other side) could have turned this into a very well written, very personal piece of writing about your desires and preferences for your choice of feminine match to your masculine. As is, the gross generalisations about women "Women are just better at this stuff" leave a slight "I just vomited in my mouth a little" taste in the mouth.
    I would write more, but I'm off to patch and paint a wall ALONGSIDE my mate and later today we'll clean the house and prepare food for the family TOGETHER.

    PS Men share feelings too – a somewhat "tame example": My husband couldn't bear reading the main article alongside me, he left the room saying it made him have stomach cramps and was quite embarrassed as if he might be somehow associated with the comments made in the article.

  8. pagz says:

    I think what makes me sad about this article is I really believe it's an honest attempt by the writer to not be misogynistic. He really thinks he's being a modern man of the world. Unfortunately What he thinks he's doing and what he's actually done are two very different things. This piece is dripping with misogyny. It's not the bold, in-your-face misogyny that's easy to spot and speak out against, it's a much more subtle misogyny that is trying to masquerade as respect.

    He thinks he's being charming when he talks about "Sassiness" but really he's being creepy and entitled. "She is telling me what is and isn’t okay and she is giving me the space to play with that, to lean into it and see what is a solid boundary and what is negotiable." You know what's not okay? playing with anyone's boundaries. What's being said is it's okay for women to have boundaries, so long as he's allowed to challenge them and maybe even push past them. He doesn't respect her boundaries, he thinks it's cute that she's asserting her own authority over herself. He's allowing it, but he's still going to let her know who's *really* in charge by "playing" with those boundaries. It's a game to him. That's messed up.

  9. lucy says:

    What I appreciate about your article is that it defines the differences between men and women. I have always said men and women are not created equal and these are the best reasons why. Don't confuse that with the thought that women can't do what men can or vice versa but there are distinct differences that I very much enjoy! In gratitude…

  10. Jeremy says:

    First of all, thank you for writing this article. I also thought about it,but hadn't gotten my head around parts yet. Next, to some of the comments: in the comments to the original article, some said it's sad that a male version won't be written. Please honor what was put forth here, and the intent behind it.

    #10: Hard lines are great too. When a friend's wife told him, "I am pissed right now, and you can help a lot by going away and taking care of the baby." … I was in awe.

    #8: The beauty of the Mysteries, whatever they may be. This includes knowing how to relax, match clothes, and make the simplest item part of a greater whole.

    #7: In my experience, at least, men are better at short 'get er done' projects, while women have the patience for longer ongoing projects. I love watching things like a weaving circle, where women sit, chat, and slowly a wondrous creation unfolds. In 10 minutes, I would have been wondering when it would end, or what else I could be doing. Childbirth is the extreme version here, and the grace and patience I've seen from my wife is amazing…

    #2: Thank you especially for the wording on this. When my wife said she would follow me any where in the world, it was an honor, a privilege, and an opportunity to be worthy of her unconditional trust. It has also been a lesson in how absolutely powerful surrender can be.

    Finally, The Masculine isn't always a man, and The Feminine isn't always a woman. I'm talking energy, hormones, traits. It gets harder and more confusing when you step off the stereotypical path, but it's just as valid.

  11. nisha says:

    Women have greater attention to detail ( I find) and there is nothing wrong with balancing out a man in the laundry department. I love the freedom of being a woman and letting a man do some stuff for me, be chivalrous and caring. the same way I love cooking for my man and doing his laundry. It's not that I have to do this out of obligation. I ENJOY IT and I do it out of love. And it's not that I can't change my own lightbulbs or make my own way over a puddle- I love to see my man express his care for me in his own little ways, and I need to give him the space to do this.

    I'm pretty sure he didn't mention rubbing carcinogens into skin either. It's an entire article people, READ the whole thing. He's not celebrating subservience by any means. He likes a woman who doesn't take shit – and he's replying to all the criticism diplomatically I must say :)

    Keep in mind this article is called "10 things I find sexy in a woman…" – 'I'. And I feel like a sexy WOMAN for all of the reasons above.

  12. Maggie McReynolds says:

    In response, I don't really see things as good/bad, right/wrong. You have a point of view; I have a point of view. We don't have to agree, which makes the human experience pretty damn interesting (and no, I'm really not being sarcastic!).

    Without knowing your age, Damien–and it doesn't matter, anyway–I guess my bottom line viewpoint on your piece is that this seems only partially thought out, and, to my very subjective mind, immature but growing. To me, this is the way a young but eager-to-grow-and-learn young man looks at women: as spirited "little" fillies whose boundaries and (cliched observation) dithering about clothes, and (another cliche) extended make-up routines are adorable, as of indulging a child in her eccentricities.

    I do believe you love those things about women–and I hope (think) you get that not all women are like this. Maybe those women are not for you. I don't hammer my guy over the head with my boundaries, but when we talk about boundaries (his or mine) we are generally fairly serious about it. There isn't room for negotiation–that's why we call them boundaries–but there is certainly room for the other to express their feelings about it, and room for how to handle that boundary in a way that respects the needs of both. And no, we aren't terribly horridly earnest about it–I'm actually a comedy writer. It's almost impossible for me to be earnest about anything.

    I wear make-up–less as I've grown older–and yes, part of the reason I do so is to look nice for my guy. It's about a five-minute routine. I don't believe you were advocating toxicity. I do think you might have been unintentionally patronizing.

    There are things I do better than my guy (cooking is one of them)–but there are things he does better that aren't specifically male vs female traits. He's better at organizing/packing. He's better at doing the laundry. In other words, he's better at the things I know have to get done but really don't give a shit about, and vice versa: he would just as soon have yogurt and shredded wheat for diner.

    Do I like that he's stronger than me? Yeah, actually, after many years of being with a man who was more or less my exact weight and size, I do, I'll confess. But I don't find it cute or something to worship, either. It's just an is.

    In answer to your question, Damien, is it wrong for you to value most the things that affect you? No, it's not wrong. But it's a narrow perspective and it's, I hope, something you're learning and feeling your way through. I think many of us find the way others operate in the larger world VERY sexy, in ways that have nothing directly to do with us (but a lot to do with the energy our partners bring home).

    I think your intent is great, and honestly expressed. I just don't think you thought this one out thoroughly–or, perhaps, are still working this out for yourself. You sound like an open-minded guy, willing to evolve. I hope you open up your view of women to include admiration and respect for their ways of being in the world that have no direct effect on you whatsoever. Because an empowered woman (or man) doing amazing work in the world is one of the sexiest things ever.

  13. Damien I am really appreciating that you took the time to write what is true for you regarding your appreciation of women. What I find even more fabulous is that you got your inspiration from reading Melanie's piece. Sharing what is true for oneself can be extremely vulnerable and you went ahead and did so anyway. I think of myself to be a pretty open minded free spirited independent woman. That said reading some of the comments that other women have written I find myself shutting down. I find myself annoyed that you are sharing what is so for you and you alone. You were not speaking for all men. You were sharing what you celebrate about women. This is your way of honoring us. Yet rather than see that and getting excited that someone took the time to celebrate the feminine and share their heart, they took the time to share what was wrong with your opinions, and how it could have been said better. I get we all have the freedom to comment and share the impact of your piece or any piece for that matter but I am left wondering how these people react to loved ones in their own lives when they take the time to share themselves. Are they listening openly without judgement? Are they celebrating the person for what they have to say regardless if they agree? Are they even fully listening, or do they already have a comeback for what has just been shared? Or are they waiting to state what they feel and how they agree or disagree with what had been shared? I am honored you chose to share yourself here and trust however it may unfold. I am also excited you took time to celebrate we women.

  14. Maggie McReynolds says:

    I like your comment, too, Sandy–and I *do* appreciate that Damien loves women and is endeavoring to express, authentically and openly, what he loves about them. I also get that some women slave over their make-up for hours, are "playful" and "sassy" with their boundaries, and adore when their big, strong men lift them over puddles.

    I consider these mildly patronizing gender stereotypes, though, and I think Damien is unconsciously "celebrating" some real play-acting (having to couch boundaries in a joke-y way so as not to offend, spending forever in the bathroom playing with make-up in order to be attractive–implication is, for men, going all weak and fluttery and needing "help," etc.) as opposed to genuineness–though truly, he might not see it as such.

    It would be as if I chose to "celebrate" men by writing about the cute way they can never find anything in the house, the sassy way they refuse to ask for directions, and the endearing way they secretly stare at their bald spot in restaurant mirrors and spend hours in the bathroom either reading magazines on the pot or perfecting discreet comb-overs.

    I love the IDEA of celebrating women, and Damien (and everyone else on the planet) is of course entitled to his opinions and preferences. As a writer, though, when I take my opinions for a walk in public, I can't expect everyone to agree with me, or even like what I've written.

    Actually, if Damien had struck me as an oblivious jerk, I wouldn't have bothered to write to him. It's precisely because I hear the beauty in what he's trying to say/do that I wanted to speak out.

  15. […] This pattern of looking outside of me to guide what is beautiful or not has had its punishments and rewards. Even when I felt that I was successful at looking beautiful, it was not truly a reward. It was frequently in comparison to and separation from others, and superficial—as it did not reflect a deep sense of knowing that beauty within myself. […]

  16. Monkey says:

    Thanks for your comments Maggie and everyone else, I do appreciate them and I get what you are saying.

    And at the same time I also feel there is this focus on minor points and blowing them up when they are actually within the scope of something much bigger. The majority of the points I make were actually to do with vulnerability, honesty and authenticity not trivialities like make-up or carrying a woman over a puddle.

    Let us remember that this article is entitled "10 things I find sexy about women" it's not "every single little thing I respect and admire about women". And yes I respect and admire a lot. For example I completely respect a woman who has solid and clear boundaries… do I find it sexy though? No. I do find it sexy though when a woman is sassy and snappy and shows me those boundaries that are flexible…. because a lot of the time "no" actually means "not right now, maybe later… show me who you are first and that I can trust you" and that is a connection I enjoy and now we get to play.

    It may be implied, and unfortunate that it is, the comment about spending forever in a bathroom to play with make-up… yet it's not what I mean at all. What I enjoy is when a woman enjoys the whole process of taking care of herself and her appearance. For example my good and very conscious female friend going to pick up her husband at the airport after not having seen each other for a few weeks takes the time to think about what she is going to wear, its a big deal for her and she enjoys it… its fun and it is sexy and I like that.
    For a woman it may be 3 minutes or 30 that she takes to prepare… either way, it's usually a lot more effort than me. And I like it, a lot. Why does this have to be something weak or inconsequential about a woman? I actually know very few women who don't put some kind of conscious effort and thought into their appearance. Actually I'm not sure if I know any! Why do we have to deny that part of being a woman when the majority of women on this planet are actually this way!?

    And as for the lifting over the puddles part… it was a playback on Melanie's original article when she expressed how it was sexy for her as a woman when a man does. I wanted to show that I enjoy it just as much as her! And I enjoy helping a woman out… doesn't mean I view them as weak and fluttery or even needing my help, yet when a woman is willing to ask for or receive my help I find that attractive.
    I have carried my female friend on my back over a puddle and we both enjoyed it, it brought us closer and saved her shoes getting wet. Part of yesterday even was carrying one of my female friends who is like a little sister around on my back and it's fun! It's playful! I enjoy it cos I get to feel big and strong and she enjoys it because she gets to feel like a woman being cared for and protected for by a man.
    Just because she doesn't need it, does it really mean we can't enjoy it? Does it really mean we have to drop all these fun and playful things and be these boring, dry adults who are completely independent and don't need anyone else to ever show us any kind of care and consideration… that and have to be completely politically correct all the time?

    I love women most when they are shining in their femininity and a big part of it IS that girlishness! That attention to the little details. I love how women love flowers… personally I see they are pretty yet I don't see them in the same way a woman does and it is that some attention that goes into how a woman cares for herself, and how a woman cares for a household that I love and am in total awe of… it's different to me in my core, in my essence and I celebrate that.
    And it is sexy.

    And it also doesn't mean that just because I see that as being sexy it automatically denies that I can have any respect, appreciation and admiration for other attributes of a woman…. the ones I listed just happen to be some of the ones that turn me on most.

    And by the way Maggie your examples of celebrating men I find really cute and endearing. I think that you can express that gives me the sense you actually have a real appreciation for the men in your life. They aren't particularly sexy examples, yet they are cute and I feel warm reading them (not that I have a bald spot… and on the other hand a woman who can love the fact that I can't find anything in the house touches my heart in a special way!)

    I thank you again for taking the time to write in and I agree and accept that not everyone is going to agree or like what I have written… and I acknowledge the part of me that wants that anyway.

  17. Damien, I so love this piece :) The sacred and essential dance between the masculine and the feminine is one of the foundations of what it is to be human. You have framed its beauty decadently.

  18. @mindykittay says:

    Ummmm, sweet :) I like this kind of man.

  19. Shirley F says:

    Some nice stuff in there, but please, next time you write an article about things you find sexy in a woman that have nothing to do with looks, don't illustrate it with a picture of the most exquisite, sexy-looking woman you can possibly find. It so undermines your credibility before the reader has even got as far as the first word! Not all of us female people look like that gorgeous model, and sometimes, just sometimes, it would be good to genuinely hear that our physical beauty and youth, or lack of it, is not the only thing that really, deep down, matters most to men.

  20. Geez. I know what Damien is going thru.It happens to every man. you come from your heart and you end up with an extra asshole.The sexes are so different. He was merely applauding the differences not ridiculing them.Sometimes it is best to leave the intellect at home and just feel from the heart.Damiens writing does not have to be perfect for everyone.Nor can it be. For men who appreciate peace and tranquility several of thesed responses are the epitome of unsexy.It is where the term”bitch”comes from.

    Why must we tear everything apart? I can just see the responses now.Have at it ladies….

  21. dennis says:

    i think intelligence, reflection, and negotiating through all life's imperfections in herself and others is sexy…a woman with a purpose is very, very sexy…and…as far as boundaries, letting anyone know what you need in terms of thought, emotion or deed, keeps that sexual flow going!

  22. Alyssa says:

    I think it's cute that he was honest about what he likes and finds attractive in a woman. Why is everyone picking him apart? I'm a strong woman, a loving mother of 3 of the most wonderful children in the world, a full-time employee where I work 50 hours a week- Not necessarily the career I'd choose if money wasn't an issue, but I do my best everyday. I enjoy cleaning my house with a candle lit and music playing in the background- sometimes Handel, sometimes Neil Young. I enjoy scrubbing my wooden floors on my hands and knees as opposed to a mop because I find it to be therapeutic, not a chore, while enjoying the beauty of the grain in the wood when it's 8 inches away from my face. I can't really dance but move to music if I feel so inclined. I care about the way I look which does include some make up application, to accentuate the positive, not to hide flaws (and not all makeup or skin products contain cancer causing products as someone listed above). Lighten up girls… if I were a man, I'd find many of your posts to be red flags to keep away.

  23. […] I loved Melanie Curtin’s “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Man” and Damien Bohler’s “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman.” […]

  24. Jodeen says:

    What a sweet and thoughtful article. I like this man. Encourages me that there are spiritual, loving men out there in the world. thank you for your offering. Blessings, Jodeen

  25. Kelly Robinson says:

    The world needs more men like you.

  26. […] 10 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Have Nothing to Do with Looks). ~ Damien Bohler (elephantjournal.com) […]

  27. […] Before they resorted to bribery, Paris admitted that each of them was equally fair. However, in today’s society, Paris’s settling on Aphrodite seems certain. She is everywhere; on billboards, in magazines and in every corner of the internet. However, we are just now beginning to see the dawning of an age where Paris’s judgement returns to the …. […]

  28. Joy says:

    Damien, I think it’s beautiful that you took the time to write this and celebrate what you feel about women. It made me a little sad to see the backlash – but then I realised it probably raised the necessary responses in you (and us all) that you (we) needed to learn from, whatever they may be 😉

    We can’t expect that our words will be taken well by everyone, of course…I find myself wondering more about your reaction to the comments – not that I expect or need you to provide me with an answer – just wondering if the whole process helped inform you further? Were there certain things that felt more personal than others? Or was it even a case of having originally written from such a known space within you that the feedback, of any kind, had less impact than it might have if you had been in a less true space?

    I’m not sure where these questions are coming from….maybe a wish to return to the deeper nature of what it was you seemed to be expressing, from where I am standing.

    At the heart of this response, though, is an intellectual understanding that I wish I could fully inhabit – that I am more comfortable in my own skin and my own habits than I perhaps realise. So thank you for helping me in bringing that to awareness.

    It’s a long path we’re all on – I’m happy to have crossed yours for this moment :)



  29. Jamie Khoo says:

    Absolutely loving this piece Damien – not just in what you have written, but in how you have written it, which is so joyful, appreciative, respectful, beautiful, loving, witty, playful. I also love your replies – not being afraid to hear what else readers have to say, even if they totally disagreed with your points, and being so willing to embrace other suggestions and views and thoughts about women.

    If you lived in the same city as I did, I'd totally force you to come out for tea and play scrabble with me xxx

  30. Nenou says:

    I just love you…

  31. Lindsay says:

    Yes, your intention is appreciated, just seems like a you have a 50's view of what men do and what women do. It's nice when men offer to help carry something heavy, but you know what dude, I've got it! Maybe you could go put some clothes in the washer, I'd actually really appreciate that!!!

  32. Lisa says:

    As a woman, I found this whole article to be sexy…..and sweet…and very insightful

  33. James Fraser says:

    Sexy, for both women and men….is ALL about attitude

  34. @towergrl says:

    This piece is simply divine. I refuse to say spot-on because that is such a ridiculous and suddenly overused phrase, but it is honest, accurate and quite lovely. As a female reader, Damien's article makes me want to cheer and not in a spunky little outfit, but in my very own skin! I see and feel what he loves in a woman, and have accepted that vulnerability as a beautiful thing, rather than a flaw(s). I am so pleased to read this well-written, from the heart tribute to women.

  35. Natasha May says:

    My heart absolutely raced after reading this… I'm still catching my breath. Thank you for your beautiful words.

  36. Kaeli Severer says:

    I think you did a good job of addressing a controversial topic without being overtly sexist. Nice job! :)

  37. jwang1155 says:

    Sir, let me acknowledge you for being brave for sharing your opinion. I also really appreciate the time you are taking to reflect on many of the things people are saying, and ACTUALLY responding to them. That sort of dialogue is very hard to come by in society, these days.

    However, I am in agreement with Maggie. As a female who has witnessed how caregivers (mainly female) have been treated within the familial context and society overall (caregivers being a blanket term for mothers, daughters, sisters, migrant workers, nannies, etc), as a female who comes at the issues from a very critical, sociological/social justice and social work oriented lens, as a female who has witnessed first hand the oppression of females and the burden this places on their social mobility and gender performativity (i.e. what we wear, how we behave, how we interact), I am highly critical of this article from these frameworks.

    I, like Maggie, do not doubt the well intention behind this article. I think the author genuinely is being honest with HIS experiences of femininity and HIS appreciation for it. However, he is not questioning the underlying problems of gender and hetero-normativity. A lot of his article speaks to his respect for females from a 'male gaze' where the female is a spectacle of beauty and grace, and the overall performance of the female gender. There were some instances where I agreed with you, for example, emotional honesty and open communication are fundamental for ANY human relationship (romantic, platonic, between opposite sexes and same sexes and those who identify as neither/both/undecided).

    And then there were some instances where I was really disappointed. For example, "takes care of herself". Others have pointed this out but it is worth repeating. What about the women who take care of themselves by exercising? By eating healthy? By filling their minds with knowledge from books, from life experiences, from personal story-telling? Are these "women" not as women as others? To value the woman who takes care of her looks without acknowledging how women take care of their mind, their body (and often the mind and bodies of others) seems to value the former over the latter.

    "Sassiness" – This section seems to imply a preference for women who are more subtle, "fun" and feminine. What happens when she is very firm and assertive, and probably pushes up against masculine boundaries? Is she a bitch? Must "women" express their opinions in a certain way, in a certain behaviour, and still have their opinion accepted solely on the basis that is a sound, well reasoned opinion.

    I think the author needs to spend some time deconstructing his own masculinity and how that plays into his understanding of relationality. A lot of what is said would have more depth, and be less superficial if you replace 'woman' with 'human'. Instead his choice of words reflect and reinforce the dichotomy of male/female and what roles they play in heteronormative intimacy and/or relationship.

    Also, for all those people are saying that the wording of the article does not/should not matter. I believe IT DOES.
    Language is how we communicate values and ideology. To me, this article communicates and supports problematic discourses of gender performativity and heteronormative relationality.

    Also, might we problematize the connection between gender performativity and "sexiness". I don't want to be objectified/perceived by my sex or gender, I want be perceived and received for my kindness, my generosity, my critical thinking abilities…regardless of my gender.

    To the author (and anybody else for that matter): If you would like clarification on the terms of "gender perfomativity" and "heternormativity", please don't hesitate. I'm no expert, but I recognize that these are theoretically dense terms and ideas and I'm more than happy to try to shed some light.

    Thank you for an article that has, for me, been very insightful into the male gaze, masculinity and its relationship to the ideal femininity.

  38. Jah Seeka says:

    Whoa… You really got beat up in the first few comments! I cannot say that I share that feedback! I love what you wrote and all of the things that you appreciated about femininity in this article, are all things that I love about being a woman. I can only hope that more men as well as future generations,

    will share your vision and see beyond the commercialized sex appeal which is sadly defining women today.

  39. Kellee says:

    Really sweet read. Thank you and good job!

  40. Amy E says:

    This is a great article! Any man that can appreciate a vivacious woman, will never be bored. Feel flattered that she feels safe enough with you to express her true feelings. She is being genuine. Using humor to diffuse anger is a precious gift.

  41. Regina says:

    Gracias Damien, lindas palabras.

  42. foreveralone says:

    This article paints a certain dynamic that I cannot relate to. That I suspect many women cannot relate to. I don't know if it's sour grapes or not, but not all women are in a place to "take care of themselves" – people recovering from lifelong traumas, a life of poverty and constant struggle to survive.. find it hard to let their guard down and be vulnerable, dance and relax, drink a glass of wine and let their hair down and "surrender" to pleasure they way it's portrayed here. It hurts, that's all. It's not fair. Such romance is a privilege and we are the untouchables. We will never be beautiful in your world.

  43. Savvy says:

    I dont understand the negative comments at all. Its beaituful to see someone write a positive piece and be thankful for something. ANYTHING. Not all of us have the same opinions but if we spent more time appreciating what we enjoy and LESS time nit picking (yes you negative comment leavers) we would all be much happier. Thank you for the article.

  44. Ailsa says:

    I think the idea behind the article is lovely but not all women are anything like you describe. Essentially you only find a woman sexy if she holds these traits. Some women will go through their whole life’s never doing make up, or applying lotion.

    The intention behind the article is nice but I imagine not all women can relate to this… Only the ones that are like this will be able to.

  45. Hippolyta5437 says:

    I'm happy to see I'm not the only reader who is taken aback by this article. I found it mildly insulting and misogynistic. I understand that this is the author's personal point of view, what he values in women….but it feels very limiting and even demeaning. I guess those women who cannot relate to all of these specific qualities (like myself) will be a little off put by this article. I am reminded of Maya Angelou's poem, "Phenomenal Woman". There are many qualities in women I personally find beautiful and sexy with any age, size, and variation of standard beauty. Women who glow with confidence, intelligence, competence, purpose, love, and laughter. I hope the author reflects upon his work once more.

  46. Lucy Davies says:

    Ok so everyone here seems to generally feel the love and that's great. That's wonderful I'm sure you're a sweet guy who means so well. Also, as a fellow writer, I appreciate the prose and congratulate you on getting your work out there and starting so much discussion! Great. Amazing and positive. However, personally I just can't get over the 'make-up, taking-care-of-herself' section. I can't get over it because, every day for most of my life/ since puberty I've gone through it, and on the whole, honestly, for me it isn't fun. Occasionally, with a group of girls it can be fun. Getting in fancy dress for a festival, is fun, putting on bright red lippy and sparkley eyelashes and bindi's is fun. But generally, day-to-day, my self-care is not fun.

    Everyday I have one thought in my mind when I get ready and it's not ' oh FUN! what shall I wear today?' It is more like; 'what shall I wear so that I am accepted / acceptable for whatever I have to do today' Its not ' OMG I LOVE waxing!' it's 'if I don't wax then he won't like me', if I don't wax; 'everyone in the swimming pool will laugh at me' it's 'if I don't put on make-up I'll be told I don't look smart enough' if it's a day of an interview or some other event, I stress about it even more. I find it hard to believe that many men feel these daily pressures. Or for that matter even appreciate them. Don't get me wrong I adore men it's just to me, this piece and your words after it are all very 'cute' but, ultimately it's old-school-patronising-patriarchy dressed up in travelling-hippy-thai-trousers.

    Finally for the record I'd like to add the sexiest I have ever felt was when my (now husband) told me that I looked hottest when I just woke up, without any make-up on, when I hadn't shaved for months and my legs prickled his!

  47. Olive says:

    poor guy! It makes me sad how judgmental and argumentative the comments are. This is what he finds sexy and no not ALL women will fit in.
    I’ve learned one great thing from this article: never read the comments because people are jerks.

  48. Hannah L says:

    This article made me feel sort of sad. I am more of a "tom boy" type of girl, so I was disheartened to read this list of things men find sexy for a female such as primping, cleaning, receiving help, and being "sassy". For example, I do not have any crazy getting ready routine that involved doing nails/make-up/hair etc. I hate that I feel like I should behave in the ultra feminine manner when it's just not me.

    I was happy to hear about men appreciating the diverse emotional ranges of women … but what about a driven, hard-working, strong, smart, talented, independent woman??? From my experience, I'm unsure if men like that, and it hurts my feelings.

    What if I don't need help moving something heavy? I still want someone to appreciate me =(

  49. Adam H says:

    Wow…the thread for this just runs and runs!

    Monkey…I loved hearing your thoughts…but a few of the comments just left me feeling really despondent.

    I saw you being honest about your feelings and then, by some, totally shot down, even including the word misogynist. I don’t think this is okay….effectively some responses on this thread are telling another that their feelings, which they have bravely shared, are wrong…

    I believe there are a growing number of men who are trying really hard to develop a new way of being with and living with women (and men) that is more authentic than the traditional male roles allow. I believe that an important part of this is speaking your truth and being honest, without fear of judgement. But my experience is that one of the biggest barriers to being authentic about what i find sexy or sassy or a turn on is the threat of being called sexist…and even at this point I’m thinking…can I talk about this?

    I totally get that, of course, all women (and men) are different and that the continual media brainwashing of the ‘perfect’ female body type must be incredibly hurtful. For me, as a short, blond man I am repeatedly faced with the description of the ‘perfect’ male type as tall, dark and handsome…it goes in this kind of thing…I know.

    So i guess my point is that can we try to have a dialogue about the differences between men and women in a way that celebrates them and is positive and doesn’t immediately reach for easy catch all terms like misogynist when that was clearly not even vaguely the intent.

    Thank you Monkey for having the courage to share….

  50. Dani says:

    In my opinion, as man, this article is full of prejudices and denigrating for women. Can't be accepted in XXI century, feminism is loosing if women accept these , with a smile…

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