“Man is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness from which he emerges and the infinity in which he is engulfed.” ~ Blaise Pascal
Not very much sleep to be had.
It is too quiet in the brain.
One of those nights that there is so much to say, you don’t know how to say it.
There is nothing going on in the front of the brain, where conscious thoughts take shape and begin to define and make sense, but man, the back of the brain is flying. Huge spaces of audible silence. Thoughts fly by so quickly they are not even thought, simply wisps of meanings of ideas whirling themselves through space. Independent of your mind, waiting to be caught or not.
My eighth grade science teacher called this the “incubation period.” A time in scientific thought that there is no direct thoughts—only the internal “incubation” of already existing ideas and information. The silent processing of of information received becoming ideas that are yet to be spoken.
I have been incubating a lot lately.
I would say I tend to be an incubator.
My mortality presses upon me—a reluctant and unwelcome questioning of all that was and is, in my life, slowly drifts into my mental space.
I have yet to find evidence supporting the fact that life should be taken seriously.
What is a girl suppose to do with that?
Before this last ‘end of the world’ I saw an amazing posting on Facebook:
“The world may end tomorrow but pay your bills and wear a condom, just in case.”
I feel this is the motivation for my very existence.
“There is no real point to any of it but pay your taxes and brush your teeth, just in case.”
I guess you could say I’ve been struggling for meaning.
I keep reaching inside for myself and there’s no one there.
I think this is when most people find religion.
Most people can’t handle this kind of responsibility.
If you think strict moral codes are tough, try absolute relativity.
Religion may seem restricting but it has a much larger timeline.
This life seems so much less important when you have the rest of eternity ahead.
Only the truly brave can handle the nothingness.
To feel the unbearable lightness of being is indeed, at times, unbearable.
I disagree with the common assertion that lack of belief in an afterlife equates to lack of accountability in this one. In fact, I feel it is the exact opposite.
To throw your life away for a faith in a time to come, to motivate the life you have in your hands for a possibility you hold in your heart, is a sorrowful thing.
Religions speak of blessings, what more blessing do you need than where you are at?
What kind of gratitude are you showing to that which created you by denying yourself what else has been created?
To sit in this moment and realize that it is all you really have and know in this vast existence of time and space, is an intense and magnifying thing; it is to encounter your own mortality.
If one really internalizes the fact that each passing moment, this short life, is all that we have—action becomes imperative and gratitude instantaneous.
“Sometimes, there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart is just going to cave in.” ~ American Beauty
My mortality presses upon me.
The more rare the item, the more valuable it becomes. Just like a diamond, its value increases proportional to how many exist.
Take your moments and your meaning down to this time here on earth, 100 years at the most, and time becomes very precious indeed.
The necessity to act is debilitating.
The obligation to move and to seize is great.
Every moment that has passed is to never be again. Every opportunity once passed up will forever be released, floating away into the infinite ether of lost moments of time. You do not own it, none of it. It is being given to you and you get to figure out how to not fuck it up. But the nice thing about it is there is no one else to tell you what “fucking it up” is. You and you alone assign and decide the path ahead and if it is “right.”
I do not care to speak to the existence of a life hereafter or not, I care to say it is immaterial.
I speak to the value of the life here and now.
Reality is only what you make of it; your life is only a summation of your choices. Your future, heavenly or otherwise, exists in your mind alone.
Take charge of what you have.
Find accountability for what you do.
Seek value in all you meet.
This moment is tangible, so touch it.
Breathe it in, spit it out, make it yours and don’t look back.
Madison Canary has more questions than answers. Years as a professional ballerina brought her to Yoga which inspired her to start Yoga N Motion, a company focusing on injury rehabilitation and performance optimization for professional athletes and performers. Movement mentor, dancer, yogini, performer, healer, instructor, writer, lover, ASL interpreter, mover, shaker, surfer. She soon hopes to add runner to this list and hopes you will find her on Facebook so you can be friends.
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Ed: Brianna Bemel