Nobody really knows how good your sex is, not Masters and Johnson and not even you.
Certainly, you can compare your sex to other sex you have had or to what you imagine great sex to be, but there is no language and there are no set rules to determine what really good sex is.
In fact, most people have given up measuring how good sex is—instead they just acknowledge whether they had sex or not. Whether you had sex or not is a yes/no question which does not really tell you anything about the sex you’re having. How good the sex is, is an entirely different question which leads to a quality answer that will teach you all kinds of things about your sex, your orgasm and yourself.
The Birds and the Bees
People know a lot about birds and bees…but they know very little about sex.
If you see one bird every once and awhile, you probably don’t know much about birds. This morning, I saw a Yellow Shafted Flicker outside my bathroom window; he is a bit bigger than a robin, has a black bib, a typically dynamic Wood Pecker beak, an acute red triangle on the back of his neck and spots all over the place.
You can notice a lot of details when you’re looking for them; when you can describe an orgasm in this sort of detail, you will be having very good sex indeed.
Ornithology is the study of birds, Apiology is the study of bees but, until now, there has been no word for the study of orgasm. Let’s call the study of orgasms Orgasology and lets spend more time studying them.
Sex tends to fend off enquiry and clarification, driving people nuts in the process. We always want to know how we did, what grade we got on the test or whether the boss likes the job we did. But when it comes to sex, there is no closure and no final exam…not even quizzes.
I bet you ate dinner last night—did you? Your answer might be “yes” and it might be “no.” That is a simple answer to a simple question that won’t really tell you anything about the meal.
How good was your dinner last night? (That is a more complex question and it invites much more exploration and many more details.)
It is likely that regarding food you have many more distinctions, many more flavors and textures and experiences than you acknowledge regarding sex. It is likely that you don’t really know how good your sex is. I am very curious how you could measure good sex, and then have much better sex more often.
If that of interest to you, please read on.
Discovering Quality Sex
“I am 40 years old and I’m having the best sex I’ve ever had. Better sex than I have ever imagined. Imagine amazing sex…you and your partner are panting and floating in a post orgasmic state of bliss…that is not even close. All orgasms are good, of course, but each one is different too.
If you are focused on having an orgasm, then you simply are sexually starved. Too hungry to be cool, or to take your time or reach sexual heights. To begin to discover how good your sex is you need more orgasms so that you can compare them.
On average, I have about 185 orgasms a month. Many less than that and I know that I need more sex—and especially more orgasms.
When I have more than that I can discover more subtle differences between them and I begin to have much better ones, pushing the upper end of what is possible.
I hope the 185 number doesn’t put you off—I do other things in a month and, actually, I don’t find that 185 consumes much time at all. (In fact, when I am having plenty of wonderful sex, I don’t think about sex a lot when I am not having it.)
I have lots of time to do other things and I walk around satisfied!
I bring satisfaction to work, to the sunrise and to raising my sixteen year old daughter. I wake up with a smile and attention on my body is always rewarded with an expansive experience of flow and pleasure.
It hasn’t always been like this—I used to have very little sex and very few orgasms. Those were the dark ages, this is much better.”
You Deserve Better Sex
In a recent workshop, I asked participants how much time they have spent having sex; think about how much total time you have spent having sex. In the scope of a lifetime, it is a very short time. I have ridden a bike, skied, sold stocks and bonds and so many other things for much, much more time than I have spent having sex.
It is difficult to be good at something that you spend so little time doing—worse yet, if golf is your game you probably practice a lot. For most people, sex isn’t ever practice, it is serious and meaningful or even embarrassing. As Pete Seeger said, “If you want to learn to play the banjo you need to goof around with it.”
If you want good, you not only need to have more sex—you need to practice and goof around with it.
I have been leading workshops for thirty years; in that time, I have collected data from thousands of people and I have to say that the state of sex in this country isn’t as good as the restaurants, highways or schools.
Yet no politician speaks of the quality of sex. In fact, most of them don’t even mention sex at all. They promise a chicken in every pot, but they don’t mention a happy penis in a smiling vagina or a hundred orgasms a month for every adult in the land. Wouldn’t that be a happy land?!
It seems most of the politicians probably aren’t getting enough so they too can’t entertain a conversation about quality sex.
I suggest that you deserve better sex, but first you have to have enough sex.
People Who Don’t Get Enough Sex Do Crazy Things
They get married to have more sex—getting married doesn’t result in more sex though. They get drunk to have more sex—but sex in a drunken stupor doesn’t really count. They spend time in dead end relationships imagining that having meager, unloving sex is better than no sex at all.
People decide that sex is bad or dirty when they aren’t having enough of it. We use sex as confirmation of our lovability, which means we aren’t lovable when we aren’t getting enough which, for most people, is most of the time.
People get tense, stressed and whacky when they aren’t getting enough sex; they don’t want to talk or laugh about sex when they aren’t having enough sex. And, we don’t want other people to be having sex when we aren’t having enough sex ourselves. Misery loves company.
Not getting enough sex makes every thought you have a little more pointed, a little more edgy and demanding and a bit more serious.
Not Sex For Sex Sake
I’m not really talking about having sex just to have sex; I’m talking about having enough sex that you refine your appreciation of it. You can have enough sex so that it becomes an art—the art of expressing love and connection with another.
Our primary energy is sexual energy; this isn’t an accident, it is a fact. Your body runs on sexual energy and you need sex. Denying yourself sex tends to shift attention and energy to your mind—and the mind is a very dangerous place when the body isn’t getting enough grand sex.
The mind seeks other pleasures and other places to flex your sexual energy—and the mind gets up to mischief. If you doubt that, just imagine how hollow and empty people must be to spend so darned much time watching porn on the web.
I am not against porn, nor do I watch it. I have sex instead, and I write articles like this, inviting you to have more sex. If you have more sex, then this world will be a more loving, softer and more celebratory place.
If more people watch porn none of these things are likely to be true.
This Isn’t Just About Sex
There are a whole lot of other things that come with having enough sex and enough orgasms. You are likely to touch someone quite often and intimately; scientists tell us that there is nothing healthier for a body than being lovingly touched.
We are all likely to spend more relaxed and comfortable time around another person—and, we are likely to relieve some of the energy blockage and stress stored in the body. Orgasms are profound opportunities to let go of things you are holding on to or things that are holding on to you.
“Jesus, don’t forget about quality. Quality gets talked about…never. Quality of orgasm: that is worth thinking about, wondering about and even studying. What delightful heights your particular exploration can take you to. You are in this body, in this moment, with this amazing ability to connect with self and with bliss for such a short time. Stretch it out, ride it out, enjoy it!
An orgasm goes on and on—orgasms offer infinite waves of self colliding, partner embracing moments as you melt surrendering again and again.
I was convinced as a teenager that I was conceived in a test tube—there were no post orgasmic pancakes at my parent’s house.
Let’s bring the ever evolving orgasm out in the open; I am of course speaking from the ladies perspective, but gentleman, if you like sex and are interested in orgasms, you might want to discover that orgasm and ejaculation don’t have to go together. You can have loads of orgasms without ejaculation—you can share multiple orgasms with us. We can share pleasure until it is impossible to tell who’s pleasure it is.
Lectures are not on the menu here, as much as a playful invitation to have loads of sex and many orgasms. Not as an end in itself, but as a way of expressing that we are all a human being in a body.
Passion, ecstasy, innocence, curiosity and love all can make a day in the life oh so sweet and ya gotta be sweet on life. What if you woke up in the morning overcome with: ”God, I just want more!”—or “Sweet Jesus, have I got a day for you!”
Those that giveth become those that receive—and baby, if you want an orgasm you gotta learn to receive. So giveth…and count the ways pleasure reveals itself today…”
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Ed: Bryonie Wise
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. A Letter to my Children: You do not come from a Broken Home. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. Mom, can I Call her Mom, Too? Jon Stewart makes first appearance since retiring—”it’s not your country.”