Ain’t nuthin’ gonna change unless we realize we’re feeding our perception of reality and change our actions that support what we don’t want our lives to look like.
If I want someone to always look like an asshole, then I’m going to treat them like an asshole. I’ll make sure I do and say things which provoke and/or support my interest in keeping them as king or queen asshole.
It serves a purpose; I can complain—it keeps me stuck trying to fix them or it allows me to not look within to deal with my own crud.
(Just a thought.)
Perhaps we don’t look at our own actions or words to even have a glimpse as to how we’re received.
I have a client who has poor communication with her guy—they communicate by text.
She’s unhappy with their situation.
When he’s around her, he’s quite aware that she’s not happy, (unless he failed body language 101). She states things from time-to-time, but much of their communication is through text messaging.
They’ll have a brief emotional exchange and then a door slams, she leaves and when she’s slightly calmer, but pissed off, she’ll send a message to him.
It creates more havoc and hurt feelings.
Why does she continue to do this?
Because, she’s afraid of the change that real communication might bring: What if he walks away? What if he comes closer?
We all fall into patterns of communication with others and don’t do a check on ourselves to see how we feel about ourselves.
We might harbor feelings of resentment, distrust or indifference toward someone. Usually, we’re so tied up in what they say or do, we don’t sit back to examine how we feel or why. We want a different response from them…and yet, if we continue to engage in the same way, how is it possible?
Do we really want change?
It’s possible the other person wakes up one day recognizing what doesn’t serve them or the relationship…it can happen!
If we’re locked into treating them the same way and perceiving their actions/words as always aggravating, not enough, too much, distancing or anything else under the sun, and we internalize it, continuing to make ourselves feel bad….then we’re recreating our own pain.
Relationships like the one I described above feed those feelings in ourselves. If someone is distancing, we’re distancing. If someone feels they are not enough, we’re not enough and so on.
We do things to support those feelings in ourselves without being aware.
When we are so outwardly focused and insistent on taking someone else personally, we get what we believe we deserve. And what do we deserve?
Whatever we believe.
We’ll prove it by acting and speaking in always the same manner. Most people believe they’re the good one in the relationship. It’s their partner, friend, co-worker, boss, parent, child or stranger who’s an idiot, wrong, a jerk and they’re the victim.
When we continue to act in ways which support our belief about ourselves and our reality, no change comes. We must stop waiting for the other person to change or come to their senses.
So what can we do to get a clue?
Not our intellect, but our emotions.
We feel a certain way about ourselves and life. If we’re brought up feeling as though we don’t matter; we’ll continue to keep that tradition alive, creating situations, which show our lack of value.
We usually have several of these false beliefs driving us. Start with the most glaringly obvious.
2. Develop more awareness.
When speaking to someone, instead of focusing on them, focus on ourselves. Check out our body language, how do we feel right now (not how they’re making us feel) and what’s being provoked. Become the objective presence.
3. Become more authentic
Take the objective presence and get real about how you actually and honestly feel. Don’t hold back. We become afraid of the change, so we stay silent. We’re gonna lose something if we state the truth. It may be that we lose our perception or in some cases, we lose the relationship.
4. Embrace Change
If we’re holding on so tightly to this perception of the world and ourselves, we’re afraid of change. Realize, if we really want to fulfill our dreams, we have to allow change or we stay the same.
Understand, we don’t have to take the other person, personally. We don’t have to allow their feelings, perception, words and actions to have meaning about who we are….nope. Separate how we feel from how someone else does, don’t own their stuff.
6. Act and communicate toward change
This can be fun, once we’re more aware of our beliefs.
We can do things we’ve never done in the context of relationships.
We can do the opposite or stop in the middle of talking and take a different road. We can allow ourselves to communicate and act toward changing our perception, because when we do, the results will show. We may lose some people, but new ones will more closely match our present level of awareness.
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Ed: Bryonie Wise