“If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” ~ Steve Jobs
I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming, crying, making a scene and not one person even blinks an eye.
I feel as though I could literally shake the person next to me and the most they would give is a nod and carry on type of attitude.
This is how I felt more times than not back then.
I caught myself sneaking to look at New York City Craigslist apartment ads and jobs in San Francisco, living vicariously, knowing more than likely, I would never actually make the leap. Because let’s be honest, good job plus even better friends plus close family equaled a really comfortable life.
But it became harder to ignore waking up every single damn morning, wondering: what the hell am I doing?
And so the story goes… the anxiety for something more continued to build, the hunger for something beyond the Chinese takeout and the same ol’ played out Friday nights became insatiable. There was an exact moment in time that I realized I was changing who I was for everyone and anyone but myself.
I was sitting with somebody I had been dating for several years, we were talking about our next move within our relationship, and I realized that we didn’t want any of the same things. It was like we had been blindfolded for the past two years and someone had just yanked off the covering and we were both exposed to two people neither of us really even know. You can probably guess how that one ended.
After going our separate ways, I felt lost and alone. I felt like an enormous part of my life was missing. When you rely on somebody else to bring you joy, it becomes incredibly hard to find ways to make yourself happy. The guilt crept in and I felt awkward for not being “settled,” for not appreciating all that I had. This is just a mid-life crisis cometh early, I told myself.
Then I realized I was never going to be ready or comfortable enough to make the change. There never is a perfect time to uproot the bane of your existence. And so I just did it.
I left the city I knew so well, I left the friends who helped to mold me into who I was, I quit my job and I took the chance. I packed up my entire life and moved 1,200 miles west. When you realize you’re altering the outcome of your very own life because of fear or guilt or comfort, you want to turn the page and begin the next chapter as fast as you can.
If I can give one bit of advice it would be this: do all of the things you want to do now; the clock does not spin backwards, I promise.
Go to the place that you dreamed about as a child. Fall in love with the world. Break hearts, take names and be prepared to have the same done to you. Keep dreaming and keep doing.
And if where you are or who you are isn’t what you imagined; breathe, reboot, and try again. Because that’s what is so beautiful about life, we may only have one, but that one is ours to live.
Ally Kupcewicz is a Georgia native who decided the mountains of Colorado were more her style. Lover of all things furry, a strong cup of coffee, trashy magazines and practicing yoga, Ally has recently taken the leap into freelance writing. Traveling to third world countries to help those who can’t help themselves, and being able to write about it, is her biggest aspiration. Ally’s biggest daily mantra comes from her favorite yogi, Rachel Brathen: “Life happens for us, not to us. Let it all be.”
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- Assistant Ed. Caroline Scherer
- Ed: Brianna Bemel
Photo: Victoria Nevland on Flickr.
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.