Online Dating Advice for Men. ~ with Love, Women Everywhere

Via on May 21, 2013

An article written for Online Dating FOR SCIENCE.

Dear Men,

I love you. You are handsome, sexy, quirky and an all around good time. I’ve been online dating you (many of you) for about two months now and it has been really fun.

I haven’t hit that bitter stage yet (and hope I never do!). My guy friends seem to reach saturation much sooner. They don’t tend to think it’s quite as fun. So I’ve been giving them some pointers and they thought I should share.

Here are a few ideas (from my humble opinion) that could potentially make dating online a little smoother for you—and all of us, really. When I speak bluntly please believe, it comes from the bottom of my heart.

Yours Truly,

Exes and Os

~

Man up.

All we women really want is a man who can be real.

Own your shit. Be cool. Be yourself. Be confident. Man up. Get real.

Tips for Writing a Cool Profile:

Think of it like a creative writing essay. Don’t tell me what you do—describe it to me. For example instead of telling me that you like to travel, tell me a funny story about someplace cool you’ve been. Paint me a picture that I might be able to relate to. (Bonus points if you make me feel like I can see myself in that picture.)

In the “about me” section, tell me about you. When you spend the entire section that is supposed to be about you telling me who I have to be in order to get with you, I know exactly what kind of boyfriend you’re going to be. No one wants a selfish lover.

We do want a lover, though! Someone who will be kind, cool, sweet, sexy and fun. If you tell me about your lovemaking skills, what a great kisser you are or how you (I just read this on someone’s profile) are good at going down on a girl, like you never need to breathe, I don’t think “Love” and I don’t get excited. Are you just being funny? I like funny, but now I think you have STD’s. Not so funny.

While we’re on funny…

Don’t tell me you’re silly or goofy—even if you are. Seriously. I don’t want to date a fucking cartoon character. If you are funny, just be funny. Let me see how witty you are but don’t tell me how foolish you are. (Synonym for silly/goofy.) However, while you’re showing me that you’re funny, please don’t go overboard. Don’t try to get all crazy and ridiculously hilarious and witty in your profile. You’re trying too hard. Just be real.

Be real. tin-man-and-wizard-unusual

There is nothing worse than someone presenting themselves as one person on their profile and then you meet them and they’re the opposite. For example, I went on a date with someone who described himself as eternally optimistic (it might have even been his handle) and then he spent the entire date complaining about the dating site, and telling me how he is happy in life but hates his job, and where he lives, and his family kinda blows too, but he’s really happy, everything just sort of sucks. Get real, man! You are a pessimist and I’m sure there is some gloomy girl out there for you. Let her find you so you can be all grumpy together. I don’t want in to your pity party. Get over yourself and man up or at least, get real.

Drop real nuggets about yourself in your profile that people can message you about. Gives the brave girls a reason to reach out. Little stuff that matters to you and might matter to someone else too. If they’re funny, all the better. We want to feel your personality.

And size matters; too short just isn’t enough. Too long kinda hurts. You know it’s true. The length of your profile matters. We like it just right. Short makes me think you’re not willing to take your time here or anywhere. Too long makes me feel like you’re going to smother me if I date you. Don’t be a self-divulging information whore! Leave something to the imagination for crying out loud!

As for your photos:

For goodness’ sake, men.

First of all, smile. If you aren’t smiling in a single picture, what are the chances we’re going to be able to get a smile out of you? Is life really that bad? Give us a hint that not every day with you is going to suck. So smile. And let us see your eyes while you’re smiling. Yes, sunglasses make you look cool, but a cool profile will only get you so far—eventually we’re going to see the real thing, so let us see who you really are.

Oh, you don’t have a single picture of your mug? Do you know one person on earth who would take a photo for you? One other person besides yourself? Please. Don’t go into the bathroom and take a picture in the gosh damn mirror. Don’t do it. Whatever gave anyone the idea that this was a good idea? Ever? Or, in your messy-ass bedroom. Don’t do that either. A friend, sunshine and a camera —that’s all you need. Sure, pepper in some moody and broody black and whites, but at least one normal picture would be nice.

Oh, you don’t do normal? Fine. Then none of this applies to you—but if you are trying to portray any semblance of normal—then don’t put up the pictures that you then have to write a post under it saying “Not sure if I should’ve posted this but…” Or, “Don’t worry, it was Halloween. I don’t always dress like a girl.” Or, “Circa Burning Man—this is normal.” If every single one of your pictures is in costume—I have no idea who you are or if you are capable of just being a day to day human. Costume parties are fun. Your profile can be fun too, but should not be filled with the moments you are playing dress up. Remember, we are looking for a man. Little girls dress up like princesses. Not men. Literally, unless you really wear dresses—and more power to you if you do— unless you are a cross dresser, don’t put up the picture of you in the dress. Don’t do it.

Reaching Out:

Write to the woman!

Every guy I know who tries online dating complains that women have more men writing to them than men have women writing to them. Yep. It’s true. And when you’re at the bar you usually have to approach the woman or buy the first round or whatever as well. It’s the same! Women are waiting to be approached.

Lame?

Don’t worry—it’s annoying for us too. And yes, of course we could just write to you or approach you. And I often think the same thing—and want to! But then you wouldn’t like us as much. It’s true. We can fight about this till we’re blue in the face but logically I’m on your side and want to be able to tell a man when I think he’s hot. Unfortunately back before our logic, a man wants to chase a woman and a woman wants to be caught. So you have to man up.

If a chick looks at your page more than once—open door. If she “rates you” ask her out! If you don’t, she’s bummed.

When you’re on the date:

If you like her, offer to the pay bill. If you don’t like her, ask her to split it. That’s fine and that’s cool. But that’s that. It’s not hard. It doesn’t need to be a thing. You are showing her you’re interested in courting her if you pick up the bill. Or you’re not. Boom. Thank you for the clear message.

Did you hear that? If you ask me to split the bill with you, I think you’re not interested. Now don’t get all up in your head about trying to be fair or diplomatic or feminist or whatever. By the time you’re done with a date, you know if you want to go on a second date. If you do, you have to be willing to take the risk of buying them one meal or coffee or whatever it is you invited them to go out for. If you split it because you’re not sure if they are into it or not… well, if they were on the fence, now they’re not. Sorry, but when I had to buy my own tea, I knew you weren’t for me. There are just certain things built into our evolutionary psyches. Woman wants man who will bring home the bacon. Man up!

Get real. Remember, this is a date, not a freaking interview. You are not trying out for a role and neither am I! Stop making it so awkward! You can talk in your normal voice. In fact, I’d prefer if you do! How do you talk to your friends? That is the dude I want to know.

I was on a date with this guy on Friday and I mentioned I wished I could see what he was like with his friends and he says, “Yeah, maybe I’ll introduce you to them.” No dude. I don’t want to meet your friends or see you again for that matter. My point was that I wish I could have met you in a normal fashion because then I might have an idea of who you are instead of this image of a person you are creating for me. I said that (but not like that of course) and he said, “I’m just making a good impression for you.” Heads up: No you’re not. And I don’t want an impression; I want a human connection. I cannot overemphasize this enough—just be real.

kissAnd then be realistic when you size up how it’s going. Read her body language. Listen to her. Is she engaged? Does she want to keep hanging out? Pay attention! Typically, women are pretty obvious. We know what signs we’re putting out there. If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it for a reason. Trust that. If we’re putting out the “not into it vibe” do not go in for the kiss. Awkward. And then when she pulls away, don’t pull her closer trying to make that sexy. It’s gross when some guy shoves his tongue down your throat and pulls you in and tries to pretend you like it. Gross. Pay attention. Get real. Don’t be gross.

Following up:

Follow up. Be honest. Kind and true is the best way to roll. If you aren’t picking up what she’s putting down, it is in everyone’s best interest if you just say so. Of course no one wants to dump or be dumped, but it was just one date. We all know what we’re on a dating site for. If you aren’t into her, just say so. A woman would much rather know than not know. If she really liked you and you string her along rather than a nice clean early break, you will both be worse off. Guaranteed.

And if you ask her out again and she is up front enough to be honest with you about where she stands and she isn’t interested, don’t pester her into another date. Do you really think that is going to get you anywhere? Man up! You’re better than that! Find another babe to hunt.

I wish you luck in the hunting! Please feel free to follow up with me here and give me all the feedback you have. I know you’ll have plenty to say about how wrong I am about all this. It’s actually already begun. I just let my best guy friend read it and he says most girls play more games and apparently it’s not normal that I like honest and direct.

I still say, put out there what you want to get back. If you are looking for a girl, be a boy. If you want a woman, man up! If you want honest and real, be true. I will be too.

Maybe I’ll see you out there in cyber love land…

 

Big love,

Exes and Os

Like elephant journal on Facebook.

Ed: B. Bemel

 

Source: 28.media.tumblr.com via Jordan on Pinterest

 

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44 Responses to “Online Dating Advice for Men. ~ with Love, Women Everywhere”

  1. Renee says:

    Well, FINALLY someone said it, thank you!! I honestly was thinking about starting a website called: "MenDatingWrong.com"

    I have two suggestions to add:

    1. Dont open your profile by saying, "Im an attractive, fit guy and I deserve the same in a lady." This may indeed be true, but the fact that this is what youre leading with tells a woman that her exterior matters way more to you than her interior.

    2. When you decide to send an email to introduce yourself, dont say anything to her that you wouldnt say if you were standing next to her in Safeway…it seems that having the cloak of a computer gives some people (and from what Ive been told this applies to both men and women) permission to get raunchy out the gate.

  2. sarah rosenberg says:

    really REALLY enjoyed this article. it actually makes me think that if this were the way the online dating world worked, i'd venture into again . . .

  3. Emma Mason says:

    I tried blind date, but never tired an online date. Sounds like fun to me,, it seems I have to try it once and share my opinion here. Its fun to try new things like this. Can you please share some online portals where I can find a date??

  4. Sara Plummer says:

    This article nails it. Sweet but honest & truly desiring to be helpful. Very funny.

  5. Phil says:

    Thank you! There is so much truth in your words! Very helpful. Man up! :) But what about a man's perspective? I think some women can be just as unaware of what a man needs. Perhaps they need to Own Up to their responsibilities as well. With love.

    • author says:

      Phil, I agree! I was hoping we could get a man to write one for women. I tried to enlist a few friends, but no one stepped up. You game?

      • Phil says:

        I'm just becoming familiar with the online dating scene, but I'd be willing to "man up" and take on that venture! I think it's important for men to know how to be a man, and a women to know how to be a woman. Or people knowing how to be themselves.

  6. DaveTelf says:

    Highly entertaining, thank you. I've never ventured into the mysterious realm of online dating but this article almost makes me want to. Either way, i think the principles you've laid out apply in most any dating situation. A few choice quotations:

    "he said, “I’m just making a good impression for you.” Heads up: No you’re not."
    "don’t pester her into another date. Do you really think that is going to get you anywhere?"
    "a man wants to chase a woman and a woman wants to be caught."

    This last one is so true. Written into our DNA. There will be exceptions, in cases when the woman is wielding most of the masculine force in the relationship, and the more feminine man is happy to switch roles, but for the most part, a man will ultimately not be satisfied if he feels like he is just with the person he was dealt. Knowing what/who you want, seeing that and going out and getting it is a fundamental source of pride (not the sinful kind) and joy, and results in greater passion and excitement, and to really truly valuing the person you're with, knowing that wasn't always the case, and it may not always be, so you'd better man up every damn day to make her stay.

    Bravo. Wanna… maybe… grab a drink? teehee haha

  7. Lois Wilson says:

    i just want to say that if any women is really want to meet men for dating online then visit this site – http://www.speedxdating.com/find-men-seeking.html

  8. NaK says:

    I go dutch cuz being low income graduate with loans and rent and and…. At times Gals have a great time then never communicate back even after I ask to tell me either way… Weak ladies weak! I aint a free meal ticket. I'm a partner not a ATM.

    Rant over and the rest was educational even though I am good with most of what is said! :)

  9. A Brooklyn Gal says:

    Well said. I would also love to read the same article from a man's perspective!

    • A Brooklyn Gal says:

      And one more thing. What's with the scheduling a date only to cancel, say you want to reschedule and then are never to be heard from again. If you don't want to do it just say so. Man up!

  10. Sarika says:

    Couldn't have said it better myself! What a refreshing read.

  11. Bored says:

    This article is quite amusing, and only mildly sexist.

    MAN UP!

  12. ricochet says:

    i think that theres nothing wrong with splitting the bill that is just some tradition

  13. maroku says:

    As a man who has been on many okcupid experiences, I agree with most of the article, and would give a lot of the same advice to women looking for guys online. My only suggested correction has to do with the first date/payment advice. I feel like it’s an uncomfortable issue all around, which is why I suggest a location either a walking date or a coffee shop, where you pay as you’re served. I don’t agree with the trope that a guy should have to pay for a woman if he wants to see her again, so I’d rather avoid it until we have a chance to talk about it.
    Also, not crazy about the usage of “man up.” I feel that the advice to “Own your shit. Be cool. Be yourself. Be confident. Get real.” shouldn’t be coupled to a sex.

  14. Mel says:

    Interesting that the payment issue is sticking out to so many…. Right or wrong, like it or not, women DO see that as an indicator of your level of interest/generosity. If you don't want to shell out a lot of money, do something inexpensive, but you should pay for the first date at least. You can, of course, choose to be revolutionary and demand dutch, but……….. yeah.. you have to be okay with the consequences. Consequences being that you will limit the number of women who will continue to consider you. It's not that we're offended by the idea of paying, it's that we absolutely see it as a way to tell if you are really into us and how well you will treat us in the future. Most people give more on the front end. If you aren't willing to buy me coffee on a first date, you're setting that bar a bit low.

  15. Barb says:

    What a refreshing article. I've been dating online for a few months now, and I have met my share of good ones and not so good ones. The one thing I strongly agree with is the picture thing…OMG…I really truly don't care to see a man's belly button displayed in a picture in front of the mirror…please, show a little more class and show me your face, your smile, your eyes. Those are the things that attract a female, an honest and bright smile.

  16. Nevadacityman says:

    Absolutely wonderful insight that I will review frequently. I just entered into my first online dating experience and have been on OKCupid for 3 months. And what a great opportunity this has provided for me to look inward, below the surface and be vulnerable by asking one simple question, "Is my behavior; my actions and inactions serving me well?" My interpretation of "Man Up" means that I'm acting in a way that provides me with the best opportunity that my needs will be met. And when I'm not acting like that to be aware of that, acknowledge it and be held accountable for how my actions/inactions affect me and others. After all this typing I could have just said Man Up means living with Integrity. ;~)

  17. Edward says:

    Great article, I'd also say that if you are an insecure guy and are used to women not being into you… gathering some courage and confidence is key. you can check Ross Jeffries beyond dating channel on youtube for some good tips. You can improve your game at dating!

  18. Gilbert says:

    Great article,i really enjoyed reading it. thanks for so much interesting information.

  19. guest says:

    can i add…

    1- when you do email – say something about whats i've written in my profile.. instead of "cute smile, wanna chat?" .. that seems lke youre using a standard line and youre just fishin. let me know you were actually interested enough to bother to read it instead of just looking at the pics.

    2- your profile say so much about you — you'd be surprised how much can be read into it.
    if you complaing in your profile or you're negative, most likely i'm not going to respond to you. who
    s wants to be with a debbie/danny downer? here's where you are supposed to be putting your best foot forward.

    3- dont ask if i have any other pics you might see.. thats just….creepy

  20. dating tips says:

    Thanks for posting this wonderful information. These are really very nice and helpful for all. I really enjoyed reading it.

  21. Monica says:

    So entertaining! Thanks for a great article :)

  22. Linda says:

    All great information! Would love to hear the other side as well – online dating advice for women!

  23. Solstice says:

    I really enjoyed this article, much like the other people above me. I think a lot of the men who read this article would benefit from some coaching. There are dating coaches in every city these days…plus there is a good "at home" coaching method here: http://www.emlovz.com (The Wanted Video Series for Men).

  24. juan says:

    Glad to be here. Thanks for sharing.

  25. Lady says:

    I appreciate what you’re attempting to say here, but many of these points seem rather antiquated. It’s all about open and honest communication. Reading into whether or not he buys your meal or getting frustrated waiting on him to make the first move are surely silly games you seem to be speaking against. If you’re interested in him, tell him. Men want to be wanted as well. I promise.

  26. Thomas says:

    My first thought is that your profile advice goes both ways. Sometimes I pass over a pretty picture because she says “I am a kind, warmhearted adjective, adjective and yet I am also the opposite at times”. About half the women write empty phrases like this and complain they get shallow responses like “hey!”. So if you want a man to write you with depth give us AT LEAST one thing to respond to.

    Overused phrases:

    1. I am equally comfortable in jeans at a dive bar or dressed up at a formal affair

    2. I want an HONEST (they always capitalize it as though it would discourage liars) man!!! All you are doing is making me wonder if you are the overly suspicious type

    3. Don’t write if you are looking for sex (the pervs don’t read anyway)…ditto “no married me”. … There are a few bad guys out there, but putting negative vibes out will only make me wonder if you are the negative kind

    4. I love to travel, love the outdoors, love art shows etc. tell me where you’ve been or the last art show

    5. Be honest about your appearance. Careful angles and close cropping of the face is deceptive and will lead to men politely leaving early (at best)

    No doubt if a good looking woman, or even average, puts up a picture she will get emails. But if you want some depth, write to the guy who will read what you wrote, and give him something to write about

  27. Thomas says:

    I agree that women are excellent at giving signals, but sadly I and many men are completely unable to understand them. My advice to guys is to just ask her out again. If she keeps going out she is interested. Women, please just say yes or no, “Thank you but I don’t feel a connection” is so much nicer than “let me check my schedule”. or “where do you want to go… No.. No I don’t like tha,…oh I’m busy that week”. I guess I am dumb but men hear what they want to hear, and if you aren’t direct he/I might not get it.

  28. Sarah Phillimore says:

    Bloody hell. As a woman I would certainly not expect a man I had only just met to buy me a meal. If he insists, that is very nice and graciously accepted but I earn my own money and pay my own way thanks. I don't like freeloaders and I resent articles like this which suggest that is what women are. I agree this article is both antiquated and sexist and I am surprised to see it on this site.

  29. Rob says:

    Great article. As a man who did the online dating thing off and on for about 3 years, the one constant I heard from ladies was "Thank you for not being a creep! You wouldn't believe some of the messages I get!" Really? Come on you stupid scumbags, you're making it more difficult for the truly decent guys out there.

  30. corinamarie says:

    while i resonated with many underlying frustrations and ironies of the online-dating scene from a [straight] woman's perspective, i found this information to be stated insensitively and inaccurately framing these issues as gendered. it is true that we live in a(n unfortunately) gendered culture, but that doesn't mean we need to accept those terms in our language and assumptions. i have encountered as many confused-by-unquestioned-socialization women as men in my life, and it's been my observation that all gendered cultural "issues" are perpetuated by both men and women. i also would have appreciated a statement making explicit your choice to only address "men" in a heterosexual context, rather than assuming when you address "all men" that all of those men actually care what women think of them…. i know many who couldn't care less, as they are rather more invested in what other men think of them. thank you for bringing up issues that need to be addressed in your article!

  31. ally says:

    I just saw a post from a guy which read "If you can't afford a cup of coffee or tea on our first date then I'm not for you". Really? Honestly his profile pic was cute, and I have the means to pay for it but it was a bummer someone can't be generous enough for a 3 dollar cup. I wouldn't expect anything more and I'd be happy to pay on another trip but the first one is special (or potentially could be..). Silly as it might sound, it truly says a lot.

  32. Ben says:

    The reaching out part is what throws me off. I don't know how to approach and talk to a woman. If they come to me it's easy for me to pick up on something. I listen and allow others to talk. Most of the female profiles lack the description part as described above. I look for the signs just like the women do in this article but even those are missing in the POF profiles. It becomes very frustrating when I spend a good 20-30 minutes trying to figure out what to say and once I do find what to say to not even know if it made an impression. To bad there was not a rating scale of reactions to give us guys some feedback.

    If it's about work then I can talk all day but the cold start is very challenging for me. Does anyone have any good ideas on how to start a conversation (from a women's perspective) that actually might be able to grab her attention long enough to give me a good shot? Being a massage therapist I refuse to use any cheesy pickup lines that might be taken as sexual out of the gate.

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