Today, I tried to walk my melancholy heart away.
I walked to and from everywhere I went, no matter how far or how long it took.
My dog and I half ran on our walk along the lake, soaking up the sun, watching the water move and the birds fly.
I taught three classes and made time for my own practice; I edited nine articles, answered numerous emails, sent out submissions to be edited, and posted all over social media.
And the blues, this ache, this sadness, is still with me.
It’s the kind of pain that comes with diving deep into the depths of my body and my mind and unearthing treasures that have been hidden away; it’s the kind of grief that was sleeping deep in my bones.
This song (below) makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I hear all of the love and magic that exists on this planet—and I can hear the sorrow, death and despair, too.
It reminds me of my mother and the dream world I sometimes wish myself into, hoping that somehow, it will be so vivid that I can hear her laugh and feel the warmth of her touch.
It reminds me of warm summer nights, sitting with my family by candlelight, talking and laughing and drinking and smoking cigarettes and loving being in each other’s company, back before we knew that we were slowly killing ourselves.
It makes me want to run into a field and spin in circles and circles until I fall down, the breeze dancing on my skin, the sun kissing my face and my body electric with life.
Too much lately, I feel disappointed in human kind—it seems that we are neither. We are each man and woman for ourselves, and in our climb up the ladder, what we haven’t noticed is that we’re stepping on people on our reach for the stars.
It’s our moments of mindlessness (we all have them) in the “mindful” communities we so proudly preach about, where the truth isn’t really truth, because we’ve lost sight of what being honest actually means.
I am caught up in the memory of how my family used to love and there is also this excavation of the self which has uprooted a much deeper sense of not belonging.
I feel disjointed and disconnected from my heart, from who I am and what I’m doing in this world. I embrace my introverted nature and I am happy being alone—but the warm of these summer days and the bright dresses and smiling faces all around have me questioning myself and my place in the world.
I will play this song on repeat and I will make my dog laugh and my cats purr and I will sweat it out day after day, until I reach the very depths of where I need to go.
I know that this thing beating in my chest and the spark in my eyes has a place on this planet and that I have family wherever I go, because your home is where your heart is and we carry ours everywhere.
I know that there is no stopping once you’ve started the work; there is no turning back, no matter where the path leads. And although this place, this mind has once again darkened, something in me holds strong to my heart.
This is for all of the warriors of love who stand up for what they believe in and spread love and peace, to counter terror and fear; this is for the disheartened and broken-winged who worry that love won’t save the day.
This is for the misfits and oddballs and introverts who have the words dancing below the surface, waiting for just the right moment to breathe them into life.
This is for you.
Lie down, close your eyes and let this carry you away.
May we be happy, may we be healthy and may we be free.
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