It’s been two and a half years since I left the father of my child, and while I’ve had a couple of short dalliances with some beautiful men, there’s been no serious stepping back into the relationship waters.
I’m proud of myself.
It’s broken a pattern of moving swiftly from relationship to relationship, with often no more than a breath between.
I’ve deliberately taken the time to look within and figure out what’s been driving me in relationship.
The dalliances I did have gave me an opportunity to road test some of the skills I was learning. Whereas once those dalliances might have spun out into a long-term relationship until collapsing like a house of cards, this time my new-found skills meant the endings were honest in their arrival.
I’d ceased attempting to hold on to relationship at all cost—most spectacularly, cost to myself.
It took some serious work over these two or so years to tease out all the threads of the psyche and trace them back to deep unconscious fears and beliefs. I even deliberately chose to live with my Mum for three months to better understand our relationship as I’d intuited that understanding the “Mother Relationship” was vital to understanding my romantic relationships.
I shall spare you, and my mother, all the insights and understandings I gathered in this three month period. Suffice to say it was challenging and illuminating in equal parts and culminated in some serious emotional release and a sense of being set free.
In short, I got it.
I got why I was the way I was.
I got why the way I was created the relationships I experienced.
And I got what I needed to do to make it different.
Now it’s time to put it all into practice. Two and a half years of being myself has brought me to a place I’ve never been before; I adore my life, I adore myself and I adore life itself. I need nothing.
And that seems like a great foundation on which to build a solid relationship.
Problem is, I’m living at the end of the road at the end of the world—literally. If you’ve seen The Hobbit, you’ve seen the mountains outside my window. This is Glenorchy, population 400. The only place the road goes after here is Paradise—and that’s a dirt road. (Yes, Paradise is a place, and it is—paradise, that is.)
Add in single-parentdom and a home-based business, and you’ve got a recipe for spinsterhood.
If one was a victim to circumstances that is, and I am not. I assessed the possibilities for action, weighed up the time and energy required, and came up with the perfect solution.
I can do it from home. I can use messages, email, Skype and phone. And eventually, if I establish an interesting connection with someone worthy, I know it’s worth my while to make arrangements to met in person.
It still took me a few weeks to actually take the plunge and put up a profile though. The idea percolated around and around in my head. I wondered if I even had time to consider a relationship, what with my son, and the book I was self-publishing.
Then an email arrived in my inbox from Tara Gentile, proponent of the You Economy and one of my favourite insightful, intelligent, super-smart women. Tara rarely uses personal anecdotes in her work, and I was amused to read of her experience with internet dating. Yes, as I was considering taking this step, a woman I greatly admire surprisingly shared her experience.
Something in the way she wrote cinched the deal for me.
A lightbulb went on.
I’d been feeling slightly ashamed at the idea of resorting to internet dating, as if it were desperate. As if I was desperate.
Yet I realized that as a strategy, it was smart. A quick assessment of my situation reveals it’s the most likely way I can meet a number of men and find one who might be compatible. I can do it at home while my son sleeps. Plus the nature of online dating lends itself to honesty.
Yes, it lends itself to honesty. Some might suggest the opposite—that it’s easier to lie about who we are online and in messages. And that’s likely true. But I can be honest about who I am and what I want.
I took the plunge.
Writing my profile was fun! Imagine that…I delighted in sharing all my quirks in an interesting and engaging way. Some of this is likely because I am a communicator at heart, and a writer by passion. I could write endlessly about all manners of things. But it was also a test to attempt to portray myself in an honest, full spectrum way.
I’ve learned that it’s impossible to tell anything from one photo. A selection is crucial to get a feel for a man’s personality. Bearing that in mind, I don’t put too much stock in profile photos. I’m more interested in the way men communicate—what they reveal and don’t reveal. The cadence of their typed responses and the language they use.
I’m also interested in observing my responses—am I being direct and honest, lighthearted and playful? Am I being me? Am I trying to be something I’m not in order to attain something? Can I be forthright and compassionate? Can I delicately say no while asserting my boundaries?
On-line dating has given me a field in which to observe my new relating style—the new me after I’ve done all this work. It’s like being in a lab. It’s appropriate that my ‘one-liner’ on my profile is “Infinitely curious about the process of life.”
It also signals how much I’ve shifted and changed—I’m longer focused on achieving a result or attaining anything, I’m fascinated by the process.
Staying attuned to process means I’m more likely to see what is, rather than fantasizing about what I want.
However, in the midst of this experiment, a funny thing happened—I discovered that there is a giant flaw in online dating.
It’s impossible to tell if I’m actually interested in someone until I met them in person.
It’s their presence that counts.
I can message merrily away, I can chitter-chat on the phone, but I still have no idea if there is that intangible thing required…call it chemistry if you, or maybe desire—until I see the person in real life.
Party that’s because men often put up their very best photos that don’t actually look much like them at all. And partly it’s because I’m laid-back and easy-going and can be sociable and engaging with most anyone. Turns out it’s not so easy to discern actual interest via messages and phone-calls.
One promising connection—we’d had long, engaging messages back and forth on all kinds of fascinating topics—lived about 90 minutes away. I decided to take the plunge and make the drive just to see.
And see I did.
I spied the gentleman in question down at the lakefront, sitting with his back to me and I knew. In that split second—I knew. This wasn’t some judgment of how he looked—there was nothing wrong with the way he looked. This was something deeper—like the essence of myself just…knew. This man was not the man for me.
Of course, after driving some 90 minutes, I could hardly walk away before he saw me and send a text to cancel. So I went ahead, and we hung out for a couple of hours at the beach and the kids playground. We got along fine. We had great conversation. We laughed a lot. In other circumstances, we would have been friends—but friends was not was I was looking for.
I realized at that point that online dating was going to take far more time investment than I wanted to put in. First, meticulously study profiles. Then establish a connection through messaging. Finally, make time for a few phone calls. And then arrange a date. In the real world, I’d see the man first and know whether I wanted to pursue anything. It was all backwards.
Plus I had no way of knowing if the way I choose profiles was helping or hindering me. I could be by-passing a wonderful man because I ruled him out based on how much TV he watched. Online dating was too much mind and not enough heart.
At best, on-line dating promised only a distraction—on those late Friday nights when I was done with work, cruising through profiles felt like a poor substitute for being out in a bar sharing a laugh with an actual real person.
And then something funny happened.
A friend in Queenstown invited me to a party at his house.
My flatmate offered to babysit and encouraged me to go.
So despite the fact it meant a 45 minute drive each way, I went—my one night out of the house in Queenstown in months and months.
Wouldn’t you know: A sexy, intelligent, witty man sat down beside me. Something sparked. And I knew, in that moment. Or at least I thought I knew. I was also wary of old relationship patterns…and in fact, meeting this sexy, intelligent and witty man did trigger a very old deep pattern so I did what I do best and wrote about it.
In the writing, I was back in the process of dismantling yet more relationship patterns. I wasn’t even thinking about being in relationship anymore. So I let that old and deep pattern go—just as I let go of the idea of this very sexy, intelligent and witty man and I getting together.
In fact, I thought he wasn’t interested in me at all.
Last weekend—four or so weeks after we first met—I found out how wrong I was.
Turns out he was very interested in me.
Turns out it is possible to met a sexy, intelligent and witty man when you live in a tiny town at the end of the road.
Turns out I’m no longer single.
And it had nothing at all to do with online dating. Even more interesting is the fact that if I had seen this man’s profile online, I would’ve glossed over it because he’s the same height as me. Every time I searched for a match, every time I looked at a man’s profile, I automatically only clicked on those men who were at least 5’10” (I’m 5’7″).
My pre-conceived idea that I needed a man to be a certain height—that I couldn’t be attracted to a man who was a certain height—wasn’t true.
Using my mind to discriminate, thinking I knew what I wanted…it didn’t work and could have kept me from ever meeting this man.
Yet using my body and heart to discriminate, feeling what was true…I knew exactly what I wanted.
And I knew it because we’d already connected. Our initial conversation took place sitting, side by side, eye to eye. I was having no thoughts at all about him, one way or another. And by the time we both went to stand up, I already knew how I felt about him, without my mind getting in the way.
How often does it happen—that we meet people with our minds, not our hearts and discriminate them into this or that?
How often do we make up our minds about a person before we ever feel out who they truly are?
Take note of the language—make up our minds. Not our hearts. Not our bodies. Not our beings—but our minds. And when we do that—when we allow our minds to determine what will be true for us, we shut down possibility. We fail to see what might be standing right in front of us.
Online dating taught me I couldn’t determine a connection from data, or from written communication.
It taught me that in the end, we’re beings of energy. We don’t exist in our minds, in the world of thoughts and ideas and beliefs. Those are just concepts, all made up, none of it true nor real. The moment is where we exist, the moment is where we’ll meet our true love.
The moment is when we know.
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Ed: Bryonie Wise
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.