Why I Lied to Everyone All the Time & the Long Journey Back to Truth.

Via on Jul 8, 2013

telling lies

“Tell the truth and you won’t have to remember anything.” ~ Einstein

A friend of mine added, “By telling the truth you are honoring the fidelity of the moment.”

Truth, or in Sanskrit, satya, is a primary guiding yogic principle.

I haven’t always been a truth teller and I haven’t always liked myself that much either. It seems to me the two go hand in hand. The less I have liked myself, the more I have lied. On the other hand, the more at peace I am, the more truthful I become. Which came first? The chicken (self-esteem) or the egg (truth)?

I first remember lying when I was six or so, though I’m sure it happened much earlier than that. I lied about how much money I had received when my best friend told me she had been given $140 for her communion. I had gotten none, but I told her I had gotten $160. This was silly because I was not Catholic and had not gotten communion—a fact she quickly pointed out.

Instead of coming clean, I tacked on another lie. I told her my mother had let me take communion because she secretly wanted me to be Catholic. “But,” I said, “don’t tell anyone because if my father finds out he’ll kill me and my mom!” She never said anything, but she didn’t believe me either. I didn’t care. An imaginary $160 was better than nothing.

When I was eight my family moved to England. I told my new “friends” (quotation marks here because I did not actually have any friends) that I had once seen the Easter bunny, that the diamonds in my rhodium plated necklace were real, and that I knew how to ride horses bareback.

Who cares? I thought.

I knew we were moving back to the states in two years so I would never see any of them again—and I didn’t.

When I got back, the lies got worse. I was in the habit now, and when I was faced again with a bunch of unfamiliar kids I went straight back to my comfort zone. I grasped at anything and everything I could to make myself seem less dull, more fascinating or even better—more fantastic. I said my mom was a famous oratorio singer, that my dad drove a rare BMW, and that my dog was a retired show dog. There were grains of truth in all these statements, but they were not true.

This continued throughout high school and college. My ability to weave a tapestry of lies grew more refined, and it was rare that I was ever caught—doubted, yes, but not caught. I had come to allow my lies to define me; without them I was boring. At night, alone, I hated myself. I fantasized about coming clean. Oh, but I couldn’t! No one would understand, no one would ever believe me or love me ever again.

Then I moved to New York and I fell in love with a man. It was this man with whom I was first truthful, not because I wanted to be, but because he scared me and he could tell when I was lying. He told me that he knew. I told him everything, and breathed a long sigh of relief. It was over and I was fresh and clean.

Except later he began to use my truths against me. He told me I should be ashamed. He said he could help me and that he wanted to help. We stayed up night after coke fueled night, talking about how to fix me. Our life became so focused on this conversation and the drugs required to have it that I began to tell new lies. They were directed to my family about what I was doing, to the people I worked for about where I was and to my landlord about the rent. This went on for years because I was overwhelmed by fear—fear of not being loved.

I ended up where such people do.

The truth was that I was a stripper with a drug problem and an abusive boyfriend. My self-hatred had led me on a path which spiraled ever downward, darker and darker as it unfolded.

“You don’t love me. You don’t even like me!” was the first honest thing I shouted. I didn’t care who heard me: my guy, my friends, or my family. I didn’t care because I was right. Why should they like me? Why should they love me? Except they did love me. For some unknown reason, they did.

My boyfriend didn’t though and he was left behind—dead now, from lies he told himself. Once I realized that, as flawed as I was, I was still loved by people, and things became easier.

I lie awake some nights and ask myself, “Who am I? What am I doing? Am I doing it right?”

I don’t know the answers. My willingness to end a thought with a question speaks of progress and instead of filling in the blanks with artificial reasoning, I let myself wonder.

Now I am boring. I’m a middle-aged mom and housewife who teaches yoga and blogs a little here and there. That’s one version of me anyway.

Another version is that I’m a powerful force with a heart that is easily captivated by miracles. I am a being who is one with all the beauty of the world and as such, an integral part of it. Not that I’m going to go around mentioning that at Sunday brunch. People might think I was bragging.

My reality is somewhere in between. I am all things magical and mundane, just like all of us.

Now when I feel the urge to lie, I know something is wrong and I’m hurting somehow. Yet, it’s the easiest thing in the world to simply say, I’m hurting, then tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. After all, if I can offer myself empathy in the face of my own pain, what can’t I do?

There is power. There is love.

 

 

Erica LeighbrandtErica Leibrandt is a certified Yoga instructor, student of Buddhism, vegan chef and mother to six heathens who masquerade as innocent children, Erica spends her time trying to apply the principles of Yoga to real life. Between teaching Yoga, holding vegan cooking seminars, writing and cycling she spends her time as a taxi service to her children, being walked by her dogs, and trying to dream up an alternative to doing the laundry. If she occasionally finds herself with a fried egg on her plate or dancing until dawn, she asks that you not judge her. Life is short, she knows the chicken that laid the egg, and you can never dance too much.

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Assistant Ed: Dana Gornall/Ed: Brianna Bemel

About Erica Leibrandt

Erica Leibrandt is a certified Yoga instructor, Reiki practitioner, student of Buddhism, vegan chef and mother to six heathens who masquerade as innocent children. She aims to apply the principles of Yoga to real life. Between teaching Yoga, holding vegan cooking seminars, writing and cycling she spends her time as a taxi service to her children, being walked by her dogs, and trying to dream up an alternative to doing the laundry. If she occasionally finds herself with a fried egg on her plate or dancing until dawn, she asks that you not judge her. Life is short, she knows the chicken that laid the egg, and you can never dance too much. You can connect with Erica on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr.

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14 Responses to “Why I Lied to Everyone All the Time & the Long Journey Back to Truth.”

  1. nicanor says:

    thank you. your truth shall set us free.

  2. Diane says:

    Thank you so much for this.

  3. Kay says:

    <3 Beautiful thankyou for sharing!

  4. anita brown says:

    Lovely writing…bless you!!

  5. Auki says:

    Your honesty is refreshing!

  6. Lauren says:

    I learned to lie insignificantly when I was a little girl in order to keep myself safe from a step parent who didn't like me. Self preservation I guess.

    • Erica Leibrandt Erica Leibrandt says:

      Childhood trauma and pain really can change who we are, it actually alters our brain chemistry. That said, as we grow we have many opportunities to become who we want to be. I'm so sorry someone treated you cruelly when you were small. I hope you feel safe and loved now.

  7. Laura S. says:

    Very courageous post! Thank you for sharing it! I think virtually everyone lies sometimes, yet we are so lightning-quick to judge others when they are either caught in, or confess to, a lie. To me, it seems like the bottom line is that we lie when we don't trust ourselves to survive the present situation if the truth is spoken. Even "white" lies – normally told to protect the other person in the equation – are probably more often about evading the unpleasant emotions or conflict involved with speaking truthfully. So on top of the lies, there is often a bit of denial about the vulnerability or fear that motivates the lie in the first place. I wonder if that is why we are so quick to judge it in others, when it is something that all of us do from time to time?

  8. Erica Leibrandt Erica says:

    Laura, great insights!!! I think that is exactly why we judge others!

  9. Joyce says:

    I had the same relationship with a man I ended up having an affair with for a very long time. We lied about everything to everyone but convinced ourselves that we were being honest with each other. I was very insecure with no self-esteem. I would list one thing after another that I would change about myself and he agreed. We would "work on me" together. I feared losing him because I felt he loved me despite of my agreed-upon list of flaws.

    It took me years to realize our "love" was just the feeling of satisfying each other's dysfunction. Once I understood that, both the fears and the pain started to subside.

    Honesty is beautiful. Thank you for your article.

  10. Monica says:

    Love you! Wonderful article. You are very brave.

  11. Maren says:

    This is an awesome article. Thank you for having the courage to tell the truth so that others might have the courage to do the same. Very inspired!

  12. jen says:

    Awesome article. Very close to my truth, which I am just finding after too many years of hiding. Thank you.

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