Relationship Troubles? Expand Your View of Sexuality. ~ Carrie Ciula

Via Carrie Ciulaon Aug 26, 2013

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“Deep conflicts rage at the heart of modern sexuality. Our cultivated ignorance is devastating. The campaign to obscure the true nature of our species’ sexuality leaves half our marriages collapsing under an unstoppable tide of swirling sexual frustration, libido-killing boredom, impulsive betrayal, dysfunction, confusion, and shame. Serial monogamy stretches before (and behind) many of us like an archipelago of failure: isolated islands of transitory happiness in a cold, dark sea of disappointment. And how many of the couples who manage to stay together for the long haul have done so by resigned themselves to sacrificing their eroticism on the altar of three of life’s irreplaceable joys: family stability, companionship, and emotional, if not sexual, intimacy? Are those who innocently aspire to these joys cursed by nature to preside over the slow strangulation of their partner’s libido?”

~ Sex at Dawn

It feels as though it’s been light-years since I’ve read Sex at Dawn. I read all books with the intention of filing away what I most resonate with, discarding the rest, and there was plenty packed into this read that stuck around to be pulled back to the fore and playfully tossed around.

Having contemplated paradigm shifts in relationships and the idea that focusing on one lover or partner for the entirety of this earthly experience doesn’t always surface as the best fit, the book filled my mind with historical intrigue and offered up some interesting subject matter for countless conversations to follow with others—a surprising many of who were feeling the same way.

Sex At Dawn is a provocative and magnetic orchestration of research about human sexual evolution which invites others to consider the notion that we, as humans, are not naturally monogamous creatures. It explores the idea that monogamy is a societal concept, its brand of law rolled out by religious constructs, amongst others. It embodies the added bonus of offering up fun, at times laugh-provoking prose.

The authors do not suggest that others recklessly act upon every love or sexual interest. Instead, through a fresh and (for some, at least) convincing narrative, they suggest that we examine why, as a culture, we seem so desperate to promote and conform to a monogamous paradigm that might not be as righteous or as natural as we have been taught to believe.

Likely to stir up a few conversations with marriage counselors, the writers have produced the book-strewn equivalent of barging into an all-appropriate and proper shindig of staunch monogamists, turning up some music, stripping off clothes and surrendering to every fiery instinct—whilst all other room inhabitants watch, shocked and frightened. Yet, people wind up leaving the party curious about what just happened. Perhaps they are a bit more open and willing to question such ideas. Possibly they are even eager to process what it all means for their personal connections.

Over the years, it has become clear to me that it is essential, for personal growth and awareness, for us to feel comfortable exploring who we are as individuals, as well as who we are within the dynamic of our partnerships.

Allowing the freedom and space to explore and experiment within the boundaries of resolute honesty, mutual trust and understanding may not only aid in keeping our intimate connections happy and fulfilling, but can help to expand our own personal experience in a way that more fully supports our individual needs and life goals.

If we have the room to experiment with our own sexuality without culturally imposed shame and/or guilt, it seems promising—or at least possible—that more people would feel joyfully satiated in a way that allows them to happily remain in their relationships. This might happen instead of reaching a breaking point where interactions feel less than satisfying, where complete separation with another soul is both wanted and achieved.

I’m not suggesting that this would, will or could work for every partnership, but not having space to earnestly address and/or explore feelings that arise doesn’t seem to be working for everyone, either.

I believe that we are drawn to certain souls, romantically or otherwise, for very specific reasons for the evolution of our being. Throughout my life, each new friend and/or lover has brought (and, in turn, received) something that, in hindsight, really furthered each of us along our path. One complimentary soul who is designed and destined to feed our soul, and vice versa, forever? Yeah, it definitely happens, but not as a rule.

Some people, if not most, upon first mention of the idea of allowing a partner to explore connections with other souls immediately assume that the draw towards this is due to some sort of fear of or disinterest in commitment. What I’ve gathered is so reliably the opposite. The people I’ve met who are open to this sort of allowance are so because they want to make deep commitments. They feel that in this ever-dynamic world, allowing things to flow freely and openly is a secure and solid way of allowing a relationship to remain adaptable, sound and steady in the long run.

This is not about forgoing deeply devoted relationships. It’s not about setting one’s life up in a way in which lasting connections fail to be cultivated.

This is about understanding that the ardent paradigms that are currently on the front lines in our society might not be the best for every being or partnership, that they might not support each soul’s journey most fully. None of us are here to follow a rigid, cookie-cutter game plan. This is about cultivating a sustaining sexual and emotional harmony that works for each partnership, allowing each other the room to love and to grow without ever feeling the need to walk away to do so. This is about allowing those we love and adore to travel down any and all paths that are here to take them to a more vibrant version of themselves.

This is about allowing love—in all of its magical and beautiful manifestations—to simply be, unconstrained and uncontrolled, wild, rooted and free.

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Assistant Ed: Renee Picard/Ed: Sara Crolick

 

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About Carrie Ciula

 

Carrie Ciula is an Indianapolis-based writer, educator and nutritionist with a focus on whole & wild foods, relationships, community, spirituality and sustainability. Carrie is passionate about restoring a connection with our Earth, in a way that allows healing for both ourselves and the planet, and celebrating this connection through sustainable living practice and authentic, soulful communication. Through both writing and in-office visits, she integrates psychological, biological and energetic science with spiritual practice; channeling the energy of deep transformation through nutritional support, somatic awareness, bio-energetic balance and rooted intention. It is her deepest desire and joy to bring through the vibration of unconditional love and to hold space for all that divinely unfolds through each of us. Connect with Carrie through her websiteFacebookTwitter and Pinterest.

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2 Responses to “Relationship Troubles? Expand Your View of Sexuality. ~ Carrie Ciula”

  1. QLove OneMo'Gin says:

    Beautifully written!

  2. Rhonda says:

    The obvious problem with embracing this view as a new (and improved) paradigm is the very strong likelihood of chaos ensuing as this system becomes exploited as "the kid in the candy store" mentality. I strongly doubt there are many individuals that would apprise a new physical relationship in a mature and authentic context that is geared toward the evolution of their soul. Because of the emotional complexities, and the inherent potential for debasement of self and hurt to another, I believe many people would find themselves in worse condition than had they not decided to broaden their sexual enlightenment. I don't think its incidental that most religious doctrines supports monogamy, since their mandates are protective in nature, i.e. for the good of the 'ever weak-minded' mortal. Historically, we know we cannot contain these powerful physical urges that may lower our nature from god-like to animal-like. The supposition is that there is no in-between. We therefore are made to feel guilty, sinful, and shameful, since we cannot/do not measure up/down to either standard. Self-acceptance is not the key to the religious paradigm, making one think that Yoga will become more of a growing threat to religion.

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