5 Things Women Do to Impress Men that Don’t Work.

Via on Sep 30, 2013

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Bonusland:

50 Reasons Why You Are Absolutely Beautiful. ~ Linnea Jensen-Stewart

Roald Dahl: the key to being Beautiful.

~

No one doubts the rules have changed when it comes to dating, but over the years a few things have managed to stay the same. Being authentic versus trying to be someone you think you should be, is always the safest bet.

Here are 5 reminders of what not to do in the presence of Mr. Maybe Right.

1. Taking too much air time on the first date explaining to him why you don’t need a man.

Let’s face it, no one needs a man anymore. We are independent creatures perfectly capable of living happy solo lives; but unfortunately, many of us spend too much air time explaining why we don’t need a man in order to appear laid back and independent—yet this backfires. Going over board telling him how you don’t need a man doesn’t give him a whole lot of room to imagine being in your life. A good man already knows you’re independent.

2. Out of nervousness, some women think they’re responsible for keeping the conversation momentum going, then complain that men don’t show up and engage with them.

It’s not your job to entertain anyone. Women are natural caretakers, but carrying the weight of the conversation in an effort to keep it flowing is exhausting for anyone. Let there be some dead air time between the two of you and let him be the one to jump in and fill it. If the two of you click, the conversation will flow. If you carry the conversation, you won’t get to witness whether or not the two of you are conversationally compatible.

Communication research has shown that men form thoughts and articulate them at a different pace than women do. Count to 10 in your head during a conversation pause and give your date a chance to jump in—99% of the time, a man will continue talking.

3. Texting, calling, Facebooking and Tweeting him too often in hopes of being witty and staying on his mind.

Nature abhors a vacuum, so trust space. Create some for him to miss you and in the mean time, get on with your life. Needy isn’t attractive.

4. Trying too hard. Women often forget to lean back and give the guy room to lean in.

Ever try to catch a bug in a swimming pool? The faster you move your hand forward trying to grab it, the more out of reach it floats. Pull back a little and let him float towards you. When we have healthy self esteem, we lean back a little more, watch as things unfold and trust the process.

If you’re fabulous–which you are–a good man will recognize it, there’s no need to try so hard.

5.  Too much of anything.

As my dad used to say, pick a part to feature. Dress as sexy or skimpy as you’d like to, just be mindful as to your reasoning. If it’s for you because you feel fabulous, go for it.

If it’s because you think you’re supposed to dress a certain way, or in an effort to be something you think he wants, take a moment to reflect.

Just being who you truly are is the sexiest outfit of all.

 

 

For more: Best of Elephant:

Love is Selfish.

 

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Ed: Bryonie Wise

 

About Tamara Star

Tamara Star believes happiness is not an end destination, but instead the ability to see the ordinary through eyes of wonder. If you let her, she'll show you how to take the life you're living and turn it into a life you'll love. Want more free scoop? Click here to subscribe to her mailing list. She's an international best selling author, life coach, and the creator of the original 40-day Personal reboot program for women--a 6 week virtual deep dive into clearing the slate on what's blocking you from living a life you love. Find the description here. Tamara Star's global reach inspires women around the world through her programs, newsletters and teachings. Connect with Tamara on her websiteFacebook or Twitter. Tamara's work had been featured on The Huffington Post, Positively Positive, The News.com Australia, Blog Her, The Good Men Project, Yoga Mint, The Elephant Journal, Twine Magazine, Eat, Drink, Explore Radio, Think Simple Now, Boulder Life, BOLD radio, and Yoga Anonymous.

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32 Responses to “5 Things Women Do to Impress Men that Don’t Work.”

  1. Sarah says:

    "…but don’t show up in a low cut, thigh high, sleeveless, cut out *ho dress* unless of course you want to be treated like an object vs. a potential partner."

    The other four points I can get on board with but this is too much. Wear what makes you feel hot, or comfortable, or cold, or however you want to feel on a date. If that includes a "ho dress," whatever that is, so be it. Treated like an object because you wore a little black dress? Wow.

    Too much perfume can be a problem, given people's sensitivities and allergies. And, if you're eating or drinking, it may affect your or your date's enjoyment of the food/beverages. That is the only part of point five that isn't totally off-base.

  2. Tamara says:

    Hey Sarah, thank you for your comment and for reading. Let me clarify, nothing wrong with a little black dress, or a short dress, or a low dress or a cut out dress. But all at once and a woman looks like a stripper on a first date and it's not attractive to anyone. I'm all for sexy, just not trashy because we think that's what they want. I disagree and I also welcome your comment. Thank you

    • Tamara says:

      Monique, your telling me I support rape culture is offensive. I coach and support women to be empowered and as the post states clearly in the beginning, having healthy self esteem is the point. The point that triggered you on dressing is one I hear over and over again from male clients. My point is to dress how you want to, NOT how you think you're supposed to…. And your passive aggressive suggestion "to gently suggest I take a class or two on Feminism" is also insulting. I had plenty of feminism classes while obtaining my degree. If you want to pick apart and twist what I wrote into something else, I suggest you try your own hand at writing for the elephant and instead of using a fake photo, show your face. If you're not in the trenches putting yourself out there, I don't honestly give much merit to your opinion.

    • Angela says:

      I am disappointed at the tones of slut-shaming here. It is never a human being's fault if someone else treats them as an object. The fault lies with the other person. Also, why denigrate strippers? Can we not have respect for even them? Isn't that what namaste is about?

  3. @SamPageLA says:

    Great post, I think some of these things also apply to non-hetero couplings. It would be awesome for Elephant Journal headline writers to be more mindful of LGBT relationships and be more inclusive of then in headlines for articles such as this.

  4. Muks says:

    In point 4 the most important thing is briefly hinted at. With Self-esteem I don't have to pay too much attention to dating rules. I can just be me. The problem is, if I am needy, I can do what I want – I won't forever be able to hide that neediness from a (potential) significant other. It may be smarter to work with old baggage – provided I realised that there is some -and get my needs fulfilled before going into a serious relationship.

    • Tamara says:

      Muks , the point of the article IS having healthy self esteem. Not dating games or dating correctly. Healthy self esteem…being yourself, not trying to carry the load of the conversation, leaning back and not trying so hard, and not dressing in a way to try to impress them.

  5. Sandy says:

    re) the "ho dress" (love that! lol!), I think everyone's taste is different, and everyone's definition of sexy and trashy is different. There's a lot of room for interpretation here, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Hopefully one will find a mate that finds them beautiful no matter what they wear. :)

  6. Nice. I really like this. It's true. I've made all these mistakes until I really trusted that I was worthy enough to be loved and now I'm the one being chased….

  7. Jack says:

    There are just two simple rules any woman needs to know in order to impress a man…Know yourself and be confident. I say this because nothing is sexier than a confident woman who has her "stuff" together.

  8. Paulina says:

    This is an antiquated hetero-normative opinion on dating. It's based on generalizations on women's behavior and it is quite damaging for women as a whole, to give parameters on what they should or shouldn't wear because you get treated as "an object." based on how much skin you're showing. As the poster said above, this is promoting rape culture.

    Feminism is very simple-treat women equally to men, but more importantly, a woman is a person, a human being, with complexities and layers just like a man. Maybe I want to wear a leopard print skirt with a polka dotted low cut blouse on a date because I don't take myself too seriously, or perhaps I am talking a lot because I'm excited about something. If men see women as people, then you have a conversation as such. Just like I have always given the other person the benefit of the doubt if they are talking awkwardly on a date or send a bunch of texts afterwards. I assume there is a reason because THEY ARE A HUMAN BEING, not someone that I am engaged in a chess match with. The more we keep playing these silly games with each other, the more distant we become.

    • Amy says:

      I completely agree with what you are saying. I also would like to add that women who perhaps do this for attention do not see themselves equal to the person they are pursueing either. Sometimes it is easy to forget that it's not just men who make the other gender feel they need to go to these extents for another but they put themselves in this state of neediness. Games should never be played to find some to live or care about and empathy goes a long way to help people build their confidence to see that they are infact equal to each other.

  9. ellen says:

    Well. I’ve studied feminism a lot. And semiotics. And communication.

    Whilst no one should ever treat anyone badly because of the way they dress – I don’t think we can get out of thinking that our clothes send messages and are not just about our own self expression.. so some of one what the article writer says makes sense. A lot of it is contextual when it comes to communication. A lot of it can be attitude and energy too – what it one person modestly or overexposure is not another. I do feel sad though when the idea of sexy gets portrayed mostly as showing a lot of flesh .. especially to a young person — when it all so much more than that…

    • Paulina says:

      Only by changing the conversation can we change the expectations of the message. If women are not placed in a position where they are expected to play a date perfectly by enacting these rules, then the messages of how a woman dresses will also change. (I also think the burden of dating "correctly" is also very heavy on men, and I don't think that's okay either, but must be saved for another day) I agree that showing a lot of flesh is problematic for a younger person if they see that as the only way of being sexy, and that should be addressed.

      But frankly, if someone is great at dating, or knows all the things to impress their date, isn't that just as problematic if you are not being yourself? Of course I read certain messages by what someone wears, but I do not determine their character based on it. I also do not judge a date if they talk too much, (often this is just a sign of nerves) or expect a man to "impress me" by their carefully spaced out texting.

      • Tamara says:

        Paulina, the point of the article is having healthy self esteem. Not dating games or dating correctly. Healthy self esteem…being yourself, not trying to carry the load of the conversation, leaning back and not trying so hard, and not dressing in a way to try to impress them.

    • Tamara says:

      Thank you Ellen. I agree

  10. Tamara says:

    The point of the article is having healthy self esteem. Not dating games or dating correctly. Healthy self esteem…being yourself, not trying to carry the load of the conversation, leaning back and not trying so hard, and not dressing in a way to try to impress them.

    • Angela says:

      I am disappointed that Channelled Movement Yoga's comment was deleted by the administrator. This is a move that feels very oppressive against a crucially important conversation about gender equality and human rights.

  11. rico says:

    man that don't work
    are easy to impress

  12. vegangurrl says:

    I love #5. My Mother always told me to pic a feature. Legs, ass, breasts, along with eyes and lips. Pic one on the body and on the face to accentuate, but NEVER flaunt everything at once. Leave something to the imagination and never look like a whore. This leaves them wondering what else there is to offer. Not to mention, it shows that you're classy and can hopefully hold a conversation long enough to get to know them a bit AND have them not see you as just a nice piece of ass. :-)

  13. Raff says:

    Interesting. Never had the "chatterbox" problem. Women who can sustain a conversation are attractive. It's the ones who sit back, expecting a man to talk and be interesting for hours on end, who can be sooooo tasking. It's one thing if they are shy/nervous/introverted and need help breaking the ice, but, after a long while of JUST smiling, listening, laughing, answering questions with one or two words, etc.—clearly having a good time and not simply manifesting boredom—it can feel more like auditioning for a role than going on a date. It think it might be a cultural thing, since I've only experienced it in latino and white southern women.

    • boopy says:

      yep — it's all about being with someone you would want to talk to. I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who I wouldn't even want to hold a conversation with! I mean, why not just buy a blow-up doll then? Do you mean that you experienced needing to be the entertainer with latino and white southern women, or do you mean….actually what do you mean? Just curious.

  14. Manasi says:

    Hey, so … I am not incredibly offended by the article or anything, but I am a bit troubled and I think I just… wholly disagree. First dates are not easy for everyone; we don’t all have perfect self-esteem, and making perfect self-esteem out to be “sexy” and not having self-esteem out to be “unsexy” kind of puts us back in that space where some parts of ourselves are unacceptable. I can’t agree with that. Plus, we’re all messy. We have issues, neuroses, our own personal journeys, our own idiosyncrasies. I so wish somewhere in your article I had any sense of “just be yourself” or “love yourself even if you’re trying very hard to make a connection but actually have a little sauce on your chin”. So… I don’t know what you mean by “healthy” self-esteem, but this… isn’t feeling hugely healthy for me. Just wanted to share that … maybe the intense responses this post is generating is coming from somewhere that needs to be looked at as well.

  15. Amanda Cruz says:

    Be yourself and if that means showing cleavage and leg… so what. If you aren’t yourself with a person how can you ever be sure if they love the real you. Be passionate about what moves you. If it turns someone off… so what.

  16. Amy E says:

    I am guilty of these behaviors, especially if the man gives me butterflies in my stomach. I know better, but I go there anyway. I don't behave this way with my friends. I suppose part of my problem is I've seldom met a potential Mr. Right. My telling him how independent I am is my way of saying, "you don't have to rescue me from anything". The rest of it is just me being really excited about getting to know him and nerves.

  17. chelsea says:

    I think this was a wonderful article and well put. Feminists can pick apart anything that anybody says and turn it into anti-feminist slamming. It is clear to, at least most readers here, what you intentions were. I am grateful for your words. Maybe some of the above feminist should work on being a little more humanist and try manifesting a more equal world instead of attacking a great woman with great intentions for the women around her. Thank you Tamara.

  18. boopy says:

    i have to say the one thing that has annoyed me with some MEN on dates is when they try to tell you all about who they are, how laid-back they are, what kind of person they are. "I'm just a fun-lovin' guy" or "I just like to treat a lady like a lady." Uh….if you are just a laid-back guy, just a fun-lovin' sonofabitch, why the heck do you have to tell me that? If you are a good person, shouldn't it be obvious? It is pretty much a sure bet that someone who tells you what kind of person they are is exactly NOT that kind of person. Kind of like with writing: show, don't tell.

  19. Mary Tracy says:

    "Just being who you truly are is the sexiest outfit of all."

    And if it isn't, well, you can't be anyone else, so you might as well stop trying.

  20. elephantjournal says:

    Hi Angela: I'm sorry you are disappointed. We welcome all view points, as long as constructive and as kind as can be. If you have further thoughts on the subject, we also welcome your voice. You can write to us at write@elephantjournal.com. ~ Bryonie

  21. Tamara says:

    Angela the point of the article is having healthy self esteem. Not dating games or dating correctly. Healthy self esteem…being yourself, not trying to carry the load of the conversation, leaning back and not trying so hard, and not dressing in a way to try to impress them. Bringing in rape culture and feminism is over the top. I have studied both.

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