Why do we argue? Perhaps you’ve wondered as well…

Yesterday, over a delicious Sunday afternoon barbeque of zucchini, tri-tip, corn on the cob and spicy german sausages, I was introduced to a lovely woman named Susannah. Names changed to protect the innocent of course.

Great smile, she’s sipping a knock-off Corona from Trader Joes and it’s that bewitching hour around 6 p.m. when the day peaks at 83°, golden and cooked to perfection.

Our first argument began in less than four minutes.

Try as I might to dodge her “Yeah, buts,” and “Well, actuallys,” I found myself quickly tied up in a tiresome debate about how easily some medical professionals are able to just skip through the licensing process.

I would just as willingly have been discussing the points and counterpoints to Justin Bieber’s possible acquisition of the Neverland Ranch (BieberLand?).

Arguing: What’s our fixation with it?

I suspect if you polled 10 strangers on the street, nine of them would tell you they would rather not argue and the tenth would say he likes debates just to be argumentative. Yet, experience indicates that verbal face-offs quite often occur between people who’ve just met.

So how do we explain the space between claims to not enjoy argument and yet our propensity for it?

We argue because we want to be close.

Wait, what? 

Consider:

1. Bonds are often born from a sense of commonality.

We regularly hear/ask the question “Where are you from?” then follow it up with, “Oh, so is my best friend’s neighbor!” because we are looking for the ties that bind. We have a long history as a species of vetting non-members of our tribe and the geographic query is a continuation of that history.

Thus, an argument is often the product of an initial meeting that does not reveal such commonality. “You eat meat? But it’s been proven over and over again how bad it is for our health and the environment…,” and so forth.

2. We argue because the bond in this (new) relationship isn’t strong enough to sustain opposing viewpoints.

A part of being in relationship with another person requires the ability to sustain the reality that they will have experiences and opinions that are different than ours. But in this black and white world we try to live in—where we often try to reduce everything to rights and wrongs and surround ourselves with similar perspectives—it is increasingly difficult to hold an opposing viewpoint.

It is a particular challenge with someone we’ve just met because there isn’t much strength in this new relationship.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

I’ll meet you there.”

~ Rumi 

Often we get embroiled in verbal altercations because we fear that our companion’s disagreement with our point of view is also a rejection of us.

Because we are eager to bond with this other person, we are similarly eager for them to agree with our perspective as well. Sure, sometimes we simply argue because it represents some kind of contact; most of us will take negative contact over no contact at all.

Next time you meet someone new, notice how long it takes before a disagreement arises. Rest in the knowledge that when this happens, the other person is just letting you know that they want to be close to you as well as accepted by you. In later reflection on this discord, can you decipher which of the four reasons from above the two of you were arguing?

Perhaps you notice something totally different from the ideas I presented—if so, I’d love to hear about it!

I welcome argument; it just means you want to be close.

Me too.

 

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Assistant Ed.: Stephanie Sefton/Ed: Bryonie Wise