All Healthy Relationships Have Hiccups.

Via on Nov 26, 2013

couple snowshoeing snow winter old picture

Relephant reads:

The Feel Good Relationship. 

Three Keys to a Healthy Relationship.

What We Owe Someone in a Relationship.

I’ve collected a lot of data over the years.

Am I scientist? Nope, I’m just a girl who’s experienced quite a few relationships, talked with a lot of people in and out of relationships, and learned lessons from them all.

My research has spanned over two decades, and recently I’ve come to a conclusion, actually it’s more like a recipe I like to call, HICCUPS.  It has seven main ingredients when mixed together, create a healthy, happy long lasting relationship.

Here are the ingredients:

1. Honesty

Love is honest, brutally honest. A relationship built on the foundation of honesty has an indestructible framework of trust.

Honesty and trust breed respect. Respecting your partner is critical. Without respect, love can’t last.

Be honest, no matter what. If you are honest and the relationship ends, it is meant to end. If a relationship is meant, nothing you say  (if you are speaking truthfully) will cause it to cease.

Have faith in the truth. 

2. Intellectual Compatibility

Two people must be friends in mind, not necessarily like-minded, but equal minded. The smarty/bimbo combo has a shelf life, a short one.

If you are on the same intellectual wave length, you will always have something to talk and laugh about. In turn, you will never bore of each other—which is vital if you plan to last after your nest empties and erectile dysfunction sets in.

The ability to give each other a mind-gasm is more explosive and longevous than a physical one—it will keep you cumming for a  lifetime.

3. Communication

“We never argue or fight.”  That’s not something to brag about; it’s a red flag.

If a couple doesn’t argue, it is a sign of distrust. One or both members of the relationship are avoiding confrontation, and dismissing their own thoughts and feelings to please their partner in order to escape the discomfort of discourse. These relationships will not last because there is an absence of trust and an overwhelming presence of fear.

Examine your relationship and ask these questions:

Do each of us have the ability to listen and sift through the words, the tears or the yells to see the heart of what our partner is trying to communicate to us?

Are we willing to step outside of our desires to be right and validate each other’s feelings?

For those who are afraid of confrontation, focus on the solution, because it’s not about the argument, it’s the resolution that matters. Healthy relationships allow space for discomfort, because they know their partner is equally as committed to finding a solution.

What destroys a relationship is the need to win. What strengthens a relationship is the ability to listen.

An argument will dissolve when the people having the argument feel heard. 

When each person feels heard, there is peace. When there is peace, there is perspective. With perspective comes an apology.  Giving an apology is important, but the acceptance of the apology is more important.

How does the recipient accept the apology?

Does he or she accept the apology and release the residue that can lead to a terminal grudge and resentment?  

If he or she doesn’t accept the apology, contempt will seep into the relationship. Once contempt is present, the relationship is over.

Fighting fairly and honorably is an art. It is a lifelong practice. When partners are committed to the relationship, they will devote to communicating well and approach their disagreements as an opportunity to improve their partnership.

4. Compromise

A relationship is only as happy as the least happiest person in it, and the relationship is happiest in the middle of the two people in it.

Mature participants of a relationship know sometimes one person has to travel a little farther to the center than the other. They are willing to make the trek, because they trust that the other will do the same when it is their turn.

When compromise is necessary ask yourself,“What matters more to me, my want to get my way or my need for peace? What do I need to do to create harmony right now?”

When you think and act in favor of the well being of your relationship, you will always air in favor of compromise; even if that means you travel a little farther than your partner because you know, if  your partner is miserable, you will be too and so will your relationship.

5. Understanding

You may know your partner now, but you weren’t born into his or her family. You didn’t experience his or her life first hand.

Everyone is formed and conditioned by their circumstance. We are taught how to communicate and function (whether directly or indirectly) by our parents.

You and your partner come to your relationship with different needs and ways of communicating. As his or her partner, it’s imperative you are understanding and accepting of your differences.

Instead of expecting them to communicate how you do, study them like a foreign language and learn their language with the same passion you show your favorite hobby. This will keep you from entering the gates of judgment and frustration, as you learn to “speak their language” and love them the way they need to be loved.

6. Patience

No one belongs to you. You can’t control anyone either. Despite how hard you try to persuade or manipulate another to respond and react in the way you want, they won’t and they don’t. Everyone thinks, feels and acts in their own way, on their own time.

If you try to rush someone’s process or push them to do something they don’t want to do, they will feel pressured. When a person feels pressured, they feel unsafe, unloved and unable to give love.

They will no longer be themselves, and when someone is not themselves, they are not honest. Without honesty, love dies, as will the relationship.

The most important thing you can do for the person you love is give them space. When a person has space, they feel free—free to feel and think, do what they love and be who they are in their own way, on their own time and they will want to share themselves with you.

Remember, love is not in a rush, it has all the time in the world.  

7. Sex

I use the word ‘sex’ to describe the seventh ingredient, but it’s more than just intercourse. It’s affection, touch, attention, warmth and kindness.

The ingredient of sex is comprised of reciprocity (an equality of service to one another) and the desire to show your partner he or she is special and wanted by you.

When a person feels wanted, they feel safe, loved and free (there’s that freedom part again).

Sex and all its components disappear because the individuals in the relationship stop feeling special, wanted and acknowledged by the other.

The feelings of love develop effortlessly, but if you want to keep love alive, you have to maintain it– you must work at it.

Relationships demand effort by both people, equally at the same time.

Daily effort applied to a relationship by its partners will lead to a lifetime of love. It can be a simple effort—a gentle touch, a sweet kiss, an arm wrapped around her belly as she washes dishes, or sitting by his side as he reads a book or watches his favorite show.

All of these actions are a reminder to your partner—I see you, I acknowledge you, I choose you, I’m trying because I love you and I want to keep loving you. 


I’ve been alive for 34 and a half years, and I have concluded that love is undefinable. Although, I do know one thing I am absolutely sure of and that is, love is a choice.

Loving another person is a moment by moment choice. “I choose to love this person with everything I have right now.”

If you are in a relationship, I hope you commit to loving your partner with an honest heart, a fully present mind, transparency in feeling and thought, a willingness to compromise (because you understand who they are and what they need to feel loved).

I hope you choose to be patient with their process and you always find the time to express your love with a hug and a kiss, as if this moment is the last time you will ever hold them in your arms.

Oh, one last thing, never forget to say I love you—we can never say it too much.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

By Rebecca Lammersen


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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: Wiki Commons








About Rebecca Lammersen

Rebecca Lammersen is the founder of Yogalution, an intimate, boutique style yoga studio in Scottsdale, AZ. I love being alive. I love being a mother. I love teaching yoga. I love to write. I love to know. I love to not know. I love to learn. I love to listen. I love to read. I love to swim. I love to travel. I love to dance. I love to help. I love to serve. That pretty much sums me up. For daily inspirations, check out Rebecca's website. Visit her yoga studio website and peruse her articles at The Huffington Post. You can also find her on Facebook. Subscribe to Rebecca's feed and never miss a post!


18 Responses to “All Healthy Relationships Have Hiccups.”

  1. Gerry Ellen Gerry Ellen says:

    This is such an awesome piece! Thank you, Rebecca. It started my morning off with a very full heart.

  2. jennifer says:

    What an amazing article! So many valid points and it really makes you think. Thank you ♥

  3. Marianne says:

    Really great! Thank you.

  4. Jac says:

    Scientist? I think so! Awesome read… it really helped me put my relationship into focus and figure things out.

  5. Reneé Marie says:

    What a truly great article. I love that you used HICCUPS for the name of your recipe. You write as if from the perspective of someone much older. Such wisdom! Blessings to you.

  6. Monica says:

    I was with you until #3, then I spaced out. Arguments are not a needed….and when the searchers of love realize that they’ll finally find a lasting adult relationship.

    You see, we fight and struggle with work, friends, strangers and everything else life has to offer. Who in their right minds would want to argue when it comes to the one they love. An understanding of each other means the ability to put aside your hot head opinion and listen with a rational mind when it comes to your partner.

    I’m sure many will disagree with me on this but meh, such is life! Anyway, keep at it….one day you’ll get it right! You’re welcome

    • Martin says:

      Agree, Monica. Arguing makes me withdraw and back down, and then I feel like I wasnt listened to. then resentment sets in. Better to have discussion, dont you think?

    • joy johnson says:

      "Arguments are not needed," suggests that couples who "get it right" don't have disagreements. Huh?? I've been married 35 years. I believe we "got it right." We also have disagreements, arguments, bantering, heated discussions….whatever you prefer to call them. If you don't, you're NOT doing it right. You're welcome.

  7. Lovely piece. Thanks for sharing!

  8. Jenna B Wiser says:

    Beautifully well written article!!! All that I hope to find and share with someone I love one day!!! Thanks for sharing. Keep them coming!!

  9. Irene says:

    Wow what am amaizingggg read!!! I really enjoyed the points she covered with patience and compromise. Thank you Rebecca

  10. martin says:

    Agree on the sex meaning warmth and love. my marriage had a line down the bed and sex twice a month. what chance did we have?

  11. Pallabi says:

    Oh how beautifully and effortlessly you’ve put such complicated things together Rebecca! I have bookmarked this forever – so I can go back to it and remind myself that I must be compassionate and kind, above all. This piece definitely changed me a little bit. Thank you!

  12. pvaughn says:

    Wow…this is why I love to read…so many different perspectives on different subjects…some just stand out so overwhelming and resonate so impactfully. I love this article. Very powerful words. Thanks for the insight. Took my understanding of love to a new level.

  13. Lori says:

    You are only 35, so forgiven… In another 5-10 years you will understand that fighting is a sign of an unhealthy relationship – in reference to your list, if you apply 4, 5, and 6, then 3 is implied, and there never needs to be an argument. People generally have strong friendships without the need to fight or argue, why should your spouse be any different?

  14. Jane says:

    I agree with others: there is no need for fighting.. There will be disagreements and your partner will hurt your feelings. Turning those moments into a fight is counter-productive. Fights often turn into both people talking and neither listening. If you have mutual love and trust, you should be able to tell your partner what you're feeling without them getting defensive. I fought with my ex all the time because I never felt safe telling him my feelings. That caused things to build up until I exploded. It turned into us trying to constantly be right and win the fight. In actuality, no one wins in a fight against their partner.
    I also think another underrated aspect of a successful relationship is genuinely finding happiness in making your partner happy. I dont rubmy partners feet after a long day, or make his favorite dinner or do his housework when he's been stressed because I feel obligated. I do it because I love seeing him smile and it makes me happy to make his day better. And he does the same for me. Its easy to get caught up in our own needs, wants and "have tos",, but its so much more rewarding to take care of those things for the one you love and to have that person do the same for you.

  15. Nana says:

    Growing as a mature couple made us learn how to "fight properly", we don't fight over silly things anymore! What is more, since we use the happycoupleapp, we understand each other more, and it's easier to find a compromise :)

  16. Mariah says:

    Thank you. This is beautiful and I really loved it.

    I’m really in disagreement for all those who are opposed to your #3. Nobody is perfect! And I may be rambling here, but I seriously feel like that’s nuts.

    I’ve been in a relationship for 9 years and I truly believe he is my soulmate. During the years we’ve had ups and downs, but he is my true love. And one thing is, he ALWAYS respected and respects me. If we ever argued, he never rose his voice, he never hit me, never put his hands on me, never called me names… I can’t say the same for me and I’m no saint either. I’ve made mistakes, I hold myself accountable for all the times I’ve been anal and harsh, as a tempered woman. I’m not proud of the things I’ve said to my love, I said things I didn’t mean, I said mean things, I’ve yelled and screamed, but all to get his attention to understand me. I’m not saying that’s right, because it isn’t. But my love has seen the worst in me… And he still embraces every inch of me. Still loved me for me, still never gave up on me. I apologized to him, during my rough years, facing my own inner demons. Something happened to me as a child and maybe that’s why I feel like I have so much work to do on myself. But throughout the years, I feel like we are truly making progress to “fighting fairly.” Compromising and understanding each other. OF COURSE “fighting” is unhealthy. It depends what kind of fighting those people are talking about in these comments. And how frequent those crazy fights are. Me and my boyfriend, or I can say future husband, we have not had any crazy fights. Of course we argue or I can say bicker, usually I’m the one who starts it, but we’re human. Honestly I think all fighting is a waste of time at the end of the day, usually they’re all about stupid stuff!!! You probably don’t even remember what you were fighting about years later or even months or weeks later? All you can do is just communicate… seek understanding. Forgive. Love endures. HOWEVER, if the relationship is extremely unhealthy and you or both of you are abusive and toxic, no… I am not ok with that and complete disagree, and hope that both of you get help and learn that love is always respect.

    Anyways I’m just trying to say that if you never argue, not at least one time then you are not human! I never argue with others, barely. I try to keep the peace. But when it comes to my partner it’s a bit different, I am close to him. So if he does something I don’t agree with I’m going to let him know. I don’t need to make a scene, but I can communicate with him with compassion so we can resolve whatever happened. Of course, the less arguing the better. It’s exhausting. But to say being in a relationship and NEVER ARGUING? Okay… Where’s the passion? If you’re close with someone and really in love, you’ll have some arguments here and there. I mean dang at least once a year? I really don’t feel like if you never have arguments that it’ll be a perfect relationship. To each its own. But I’m human. I admit it. I’m trying. I want to be the best person that I can be. I never act holier than thou. I truly seek to find myself even more and be better than who I was yesterday. When two people love each other, I want people to know that it is ok if you argue here and there. If you don’t it’s not normal lol… It just means that you are really into each other and “close.” But again I would like to say that’s for HEALTHY relationships. Bad fighting is when you become abusive and that’s not ok. That is why the writer of this post mentions that “fighting fairly” is important. Because that shit is inevitable. I don’t agree that you will always be peaches and roses with your lover. Shit will happen. But I love what is, I love him for who he is. And hope for the best and that we continue to just grow together and as individuals, and continue to learn. He is faithful, he is a good person, he’s loyal, he respects me. We try to do love tune ups, practicing love everyday and do our best to keep sparks alive and rekindle fires.

    No relationship is perfect. But as long as you feel you two are perfect for each other… You fight for each other. Learning about each other.

    Fighting… everyone has different terms. Like I have an aunt and uncle who go at each other’s throats “with their words”, punch material things, throw things and yell at the top of their lungs. They’re married, and I don’t want to be so judgemental… But that to me is very unhealthy. What I know is that, my uncle has some things he’s never taken care of within himself, and my aunt also has things she needs to work on. But they are a family and have kids… They still make it work. He hasn’t found what he wants to do with his life and he’s older in his 40s. He’s still a good dad and provides for his family. Anyway my point is… I don’t agree with how they fight. I wouldn’t do it myself. And I THINK they just need guidance and tools and help. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think they’re meant to be for each other? I think they need to work on themselves, and need to learn how to fight fairly. They don’t hit each other or put their hands on each other, but they say harsh words and call each other names… And that is not ok. What I’m trying to say is that… Those who oppose #3 in this article, maybe they’re talking about abusive fighting? Idk? But the way my aunt and uncle fight, is annoying af and UNHEALTHY!!!!!!!!! And I don’t recommend it for any couple lol… HOWEVER I’m supportive of #3 when it comes to fighting “fairly” and being nice when a disagreement comes and to communicate with warmth and to come to a compromise. That’s all I’m saying.

    “My” fighting with the love of my life, hasn’t been perfect. But today at 24 years old, I’ve learned that if I disagree with him, I’ll talk to him about it. I can maybe call it a argument, if I take things personally it’ll be an argument, but then I try to calm myself down and try to speak softly and not harshly and we do our best to work together to solve our issues.

    The best thing to do, is know yourself. Love yourself. You are in control of your own happiness and your partner is just a bonus and an addition to your happiness. When you take care of yourself and your partner takes care of himself/herself, then together you guys will be wonderful. I truly feel that when one isn’t in touch with themselves, perhaps… fighting will occur?

    If you are in a relationship and you are doing it at the expense of yourself, if you never communicate and you guys don’t respect each other, then maybe it’s best to part ways. Because that’s not true love if you two aren’t happy and not willing to meet each other half way. And if all you do is fight 24/7, everyday, 365 days a year, etc.

    However arguing here and there, not often like everyday, but when it happens, fighting fairly is normal and doesn’t mean that you guys aren’t meant to be. Just work it out, compromise and if the true love is there, you’ll know if and feel it and it’ll feel right. You both must have a craving to understand each other.

    All I know is that, true love exists. Your soulmate exists. I am blessed and thankful to have found mine at such a young age. And he’s still with me. If he left me after seeing my worst, then he doesn’t deserve me at my best. I say this because I’m human and still learning and for my man to accept me and still love me… I am so thankful. And since he’s never given up on me, I will never give up on him. I truly believe that true love is always worth fighting for.

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