How to Lose the Woman You Love For Good.

Via Tamara Star
on Feb 11, 2014
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“Love is the greatest refreshment in life.” ~ Pablo Picasso

Picasso’s artistic style changed over periods of time that could be marked by the phases of his heart. His blue/green period arrived after the suicidal death of his friend Carlos Casagemas, while his rose period gave birth along with his love for bohemian artist Fernande Olivier. We’re all artists when it comes to creating our own life, and while we know that love is the greatest gift we can give, and the greatest gift to receive, keeping love alive in the midst of time’s inevitable wear and tear is the real art we need to master. A woman’s love won’t let go easily once your face has embedded itself inside her heart—and because of this, her loyalty can last far longer than it realistically should. We’ve all seen this as we shake our heads and silently wish a female friend would just dump the bloke once and for all.

And while most women won’t let go easily or without great effort to save your sinking ship, there are a few ways to lose the woman you love forever.

1. Stop doing the little things like holding her hand and looking into her eyes.

Women fall in love over the little things.

Movies may lead us to believe that grand gestures are the way into a woman’s heart, but it’s the little things you do that sink a hook deep into her psyche. Holding her hand for no reason and looking into her eyes when you talk to her activates feelings of her mattering to you. Touching her hair, letting distractions pass when she’s talking, and kissing her goodbye are the golden moments she lingers over in her mind’s eye when you’re away.

We all know the quickest way to kill love is to take someone for granted, and the first thing to go when you wander down that dead end path are the little gestures. Lead her down this alley and you won’t be able to find her on your return out.

2. Don’t ask her questions or try to get to know her.

Let her beauty and what you think she can offer you drive your attention. Once she realizes you don’t really know her, understand where she’s been, or hold any of her secrets, she’ll realize she doesn’t matter to you and she will leave. For a short period of time, you might be able to hold her attention through flattery of her physical appearance, but women are smart and they’ll eventually sense the emptiness of your connection. While knowing that you are attracted to her beauty is important, your focus on her appearance throws you back into the pack of the many others she encounters in her world that mean nothing to her heart.

3. Don’t listen to her when she talks to you or even better yet, interrupt when she’s sharing her heart with corrections to her thinking and answers for her problems.

Women solve problems and soothe their own stress by talking to someone who will listen. If you don’t hear her out, she will talk faster and faster repeating herself over and over again, getting louder and more emotional until she just finally stops trying. At that point, the sound of her silence will let you know that while she may still be sitting in front of you, her permanent exit is looming.

4. Don’t allow her to feel safe and relax into your love.

Get defensive when she questions you and refuse to accept that women step closer by testing the water.

When a woman is falling deeper into love with you she will push back a bit, test you and question your actions, words and motives to see if you’re the real deal. Whether you’ve been together for a month or for decades, this testing never stops. A man who has the ability to keep his woman, lets these tests and these questions roll off his back, calmly knowing they have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his woman stepping closer.

5. Take everything as an attack on your character and meet your woman with defensiveness and anger.

We’ve all been hurt, we all have fears and we all have tender spots that need extra T.L.C., but if you haven’t healed your past pain, you will be like a newly formed blister overly tender to every brush of contact. Ignore your own issues and instead react to everything she might say or do with gusto as though it were a personal attack planned to orchestrate an insulting demise on your manhood, and soon your pain will be spared forever.

6. Don’t make her special or allow her to relax into knowing she’s your woman.

Keep your options open through regular flirtations and intimate sharing with other females and remember to hold nothing but sex special between the two of you. Intimacy literally translates as: into you I see. By keeping the doorway open to many others through Facebook flirts and cute little text, you’ll ensure that there’s nothing special between the two of you other than sex.

Over time, she’ll slowly fade into the same creamy vanilla flavor of your many other intimate connections.

7. Make sex your be all- end all- expression of love.

Stop kissing her for no reason other than to initiate sex so when you do kiss her, if she’s not feeling in the mood for sex, she won’t respond. Don’t caress her outside of the bedroom, and don’t flirt with her or seduce her throughout the day like you used to, but always expect her to respond to you as passionately as ever.

8. Stop joking and making her laugh.  

Humor is the glue that keeps couples together and happy for the long haul. Start taking yourself really seriously so that every joke is a personal dig and ignore the little things that might make you both laugh by not being present in the moment with her.

Let yourself be preoccupied by what’s really important in your world and ignore the silly little things you used to laugh about. Over time, she will give you the room you thought you wanted when you were just too busy to play.

9. Check out when you’re with her by using your phone constantly.

Remember that your time and attention are far more important than hers and trust that she doesn’t have anything better to do than sit across from you at the table and watch you check your phone. Keep in mind that the calls, text and emails she lets sit on the back burner while she’s with you aren’t really as important as yours, and know that over time, she’ll give you all the space you need with your mobile device—permanently.

In many ancient traditions, the number nine is considered to represent completion so I’ll stop here. Like artwork, there comes a time to stop thinking about what you want to create and instead start creating. Unfortunately, too many of us make a brief effort and then go on auto pilot forgetting that it takes consistent practice to master the art of love; yet when we do make the effort, we create a masterpiece that never grows boring to look at.


Post via Daily Transformations 


Also by Tamara:

Clear Clutter & Change Your Life. ~ Tamara Star





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Editor: Cat Beekmans

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About Tamara Star

Tamara Star believes happiness is not an end destination, but instead the ability to see the ordinary through eyes of wonder. Want her free tips and tricks for health, happiness and love? Click here. Receive her free 3 video series for clearing the slate for more love & happiness. Click here. She's an international best-selling author and the creator of the original 40-day Personal reboot program for women--a 6 week virtual deep dive into clearing the slate on what's blocking you. Registration is open NOW here. Tamara's global reach inspires women around the world through her programs, newsletters, and teachings. She's been featured on SiriusXM radio, Good Morning America, former Oprah producer LeGrande Green's GetBOLD radio, Dr. Brenda Wade's GoodLove Radio, Daybreak USA and News Australia. Connect with Tamara on her websiteFacebook or Twitter. Tamara's work had been translated into 6 languages and featured on The Huffington Post, MindBodyGreen, Positively Positive, Yahoo News, The Australia, The Good Men Project, and Yoga Anonymous.


149 Responses to “How to Lose the Woman You Love For Good.”

  1. S(t)ri says:

    Awesome post!

    • Enrique says:

      I’ve done exactly the opposite of this and she still is hard headed…… woman have a lot a freedom now day’s… they traded it for their values…. I wish woman would be more loveable, less bitchy. I’ve never fail in love but when someone doesn’t want to be loved its really hard to deal with…. I’m still trying to get her…”she is the mother of my children”…… but she is stuck on a fantasy of her’s.. I showed her that the only thing that matters is her… I’m so on love with her even tho I already moved on…so has she!!!! But this is fake because when u go and cross your t and dot your I…. an unstable woman will always destroy a real lover and I don’t mean sexually…. but mentally!!!!

  2. Star says:

    You have obviously missed the entire point of the article. And it's obvious who has written this.

    • Miranda T. says:

      I get it Star. This IS an instructional list to lose your woman!

    • Teresa says:

      Not a very nice thing to say, especially knowing that the majority of this article will obvious resonate with a lot of women.

      • Jason says:

        If that is true, that is sad Teresa… Both parties ALWAYS play a role and lack of communication on either party will destroy a relationship.. perhaps this was more in jest? Idk.. Where's I enjoy many of these articles, it's important to view ALL of them from both sides (male and female) and ALWAYS with a grain of salt.. everyone is different, approaches and reacts differently. If this is resonating so hard, perhaps more communication will help remove some of these conflicts.

  3. annarose86 says:

    My boyfriend of a year and I have been going through a really rough time, and this article says everything I've been saying, writing, crying, screaming to him to hear in such a perfect, eloquent way. Will be printing this out and requesting he read it when i see him this weekend. Thank you for making me feel validated and giving voice to overwhelming feelings

    • Liz says:

      I understand what you mean. My boyfriend and I are in the same predicament. It's unfortunate that men and women speak different languages because it can be so difficult to understand each other. It's even worse when you truly love that person because the hurt just magnifies. I'll be giving this to him as well. I hope we are able to work through this. I'm a Pisces and he is an Aquarius so our communication is blocked to begin with. Good luck, I hope you're able to work through things.

    • ayman says:

      Let us know how it goes.

    • Amprenta says:

      Ok, so, I've been there, done that, for 2 and a half years… if this time it does not go trough him, leave… it will never stop, people don't change. I was pregnant and he still thought only about himself. I am sorry to say so, but leave before you break…

  4. judy says:

    "A woman’s love won’t let go easily once your face has embedded itself inside her heart, and because of this, her loyalty can last far longer than it realistically should. We’ve all seen this as we shake our heads and silently wish a female friend would just dump the bloke once and for all."

    I very much agree with all that you have written. The above however, should have a picture of me beside it. I have stayed in relationships far longer than I realistically should have. Thanks for writing!!

  5. Kay says:

    Yes! I totally agree with everything (seriously, everything!) you said here, and so many of my relationships have ended up like this, and of course I leave! I need to feel special, and I’ve never been able to articulate what the problems are in my relationships as well as you just have. I’m so glad you wrote this, and let’s hope lots of men read this lol 🙂 bookmarking this 🙂

  6. Tamara says:

    So true. Major turn offs.

  7. @nosaprise says:

    This is a good post but I fully feel relationships are reciprocal and you get out what you put in. Saying that I think that this philosophy isn't exclusive to women, as a man I think it's important to maintain a emotional and physical connection with your partner as well as feeling safe and valued with in your relationship. Not only from my end but from her ends as well, rather then being the man trying to make her feel this or that you should be a couple working toward a commonality as a team a unit. My two cents thank you for the piece it was very insightful.

    • Lizzie says:

      I actually would live to see an equally thoughtful and serious article from a man’s perspective. You are right that women have just as much responsibility in keeping a relationship healthy. It would be refreshing to see what things we can do other than the 84,000 articles floating on the interwebs telling us women to basically “shut up, give our bodies to them 24/7 and don’t expect anything emotionally”. I know there are men that care about little else, just as there are women that are equally shallow. But the men who have more substance deserve a voice and the women who care would love to know. At least speaking for myself!

    • Alex says:

      yes totally agree however on our side of the fence ( myself included in the past ) I bend over backwards for a man and once they know you are hooked they stop doing anything they were doing to get your attention and when you get upset they tell you " i'm not acting any different you're crazy! "

      Most of my past relationships have been like that. so far I am not allowing my current relationship to go that way. I've warned him that if he takes advantage of me I will be gone. I don't mind doing nice things but I expect to be treated well and be respected. So far so good we have had a few hiccups on both ends but always over very minor things that are quickly solved.

      My advice, don't fall in love right away, date your friends, and for the love of god don't think of each other as possessions because the moment you do, you are hurting that person.

      • Edward Helldane says:

        ran into the same situation with my wife. she wooed me before marriage, for a couple of years. then a week after tying the knot everything seemed to change, like a light switch was tuned off. she no longer did me favors. cooking or baking became a chore for her, rather than a joy. as did doing her half of the work around the house. asking for a back rub after a long hard day at work was a miserable negotiation. et cetera. all she wanted was to be lazy, and get sex often (but not to do any of the work in bed either).

        we've been married for years now, and i'm still struggling to coerce the woman i married back into our relationship.

        and for the record. i have not changed one bit. i'm less attracted to her because of her behavior, and that has it's consequences, but i'm a nice guy and do her favors even when i'm unhappy with her or just depressed due to the circumstance. i make her laugh. i include her in everything. i make an effort to maintain physical intimacy. i'm an cheerful optimist.

        i also made all my desires and expectations clear before tying the knot, and she swore to me that being with me was what she wanted, knowing who i was and what i wanted from the relationship. all those promises were broken; and when it's brought up now, she insists she doesn't remember ever making any of them.

        ironically, we are still friends, and she can be fun to hang out with at times. but i don't expect the marriage to last. and i think that if i ever encountered somebody who said they experienced the same 'switch', i'd say to communicate their perspective, and give their 'other' no more than one year to fix their shit. then leave if they didn't. the good times aren't worth the heartache that comes with the constant reminder of such thorough betrayal.

        • NDK says:

          Ed, I don't know you, but there may still be hope for you and the woman you love. If you haven't heard of it, definitely check out the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It addresses EXACTLY this "switch-off" you talk about happening immediately after betting married. You have to check it out.

        • Berylee says:

          Hi Edward…i know this is an old post, but after reading it, your circumstances sound like a text book case of your partner having ADHD, i've done a lot of research into this because my partner also has it. If your interested, look at a website called ADHD and marriage, lots of info there!
          Best of luck 🙂

  8. Rama Health says:

    Treat your women like a QUEEN… And you will get treated like a KING…

    • Howdy says:

      Treat your man like a KING…And you will get treated like a QUEEN…

    • Rob says:

      I did that once (and not all that long ago) and certainly wasn't treated like a king.

      More like a doormat which is why I find this article a bit annoying/patronising – the author can claim it's great that it pushed buttons but in this case they really weren't my buttons that needed pushing.

      Now if it was an article about how to lose the person you love for good…….

    • Lily says:

      actually, I find that queens in the medieval period were frequently just pawns, used to produce an heir, and often waved aside in the event that they could not produce boys, or the king found a better match (Henry the 8th, cough). While there were obvious exceptions, women and queens relied on their husbands for the majority of their social power. I have no idea where that ridiculous "treated like a queen" statement came from. Okay, so you mean "treated like a queen by people who aren't the king"?

  9. Baruch Inbar says:

    While the content of this article is valuable, I find the way it’s presented SUPER arrogant and shallow. Why present such important subject from the NEGATIVE point of view? As a happily married man, I agree with all the points mentioned, but these are only 1% of what consists of true soul mates relationships, and there is much more to it. A spiritual bond is the real glue that brings two souls together and keeps them strong. If that is not present, nothing will hold it together.

    • Jason says:

      I am honestly curious.. could you / would you elaborate on your definition and how it relates to your relationship, this term – spiritual bond – as you stated above? thanks! and continued good luck and love in your life 🙂

  10. Brandon says:

    How to lose the man you love for good.

    1) When you're in a bad mood always talk about yourself ONLY in a meaningless and superfluous fashion. Remember you're just venting your frustration to him and using him as a emotional punching bag. Deny his attempts at solving any of your problems as "Not listening" or "Not getting it." This will injure and frustrate him beyond even his own comprehension since he will instinctual want to look for a solution to whatever problem you're having.

    2) Deny intimacy at all costs. Obviously you're gonna eventually want to get your own rocks off, but you should be like a rider leading a donkey in these situations. Once he feels pent up he'll be in a world of hurt because sexual release is a must for men. Freak out and act insecure if you catch him masturbating, that'll make things even worse. He'll feel trapped because he can't have sex with you and he can't even get himself off in peace.

    3) Freak out when he spends time with his guy friends. Making a man feel miserable is easy if you can make him feel isolated. If you're following step 2 he's already feeling denied most of the time when it comes it intimacy and sexual release. If you keep him away from his friends on top of that this will make him feel even more trapped and he'll start looking for an escape. Most likely his friends will even start nagging on him about you keeping him from them as well.

    4) Use double standards to your atvantage. Even though you should be smothering him and not letting him see anyone but you and his coworkers who he probably hates, YOU should spend as much time as you need and want with your girlfriends. After all WOMEN are emotional beings who need to socialize and express themselves, while men are stunted creatures who don't really need to interact with anyone or anything. You'll know you're spending enough time with your friends when he get's jealous or suspicious that you might be cheating on him; which is none of his business anyway.

    For fucks sake this is too easy. I could go on but I think you get my point. This article is written from the perspective of a Woman and I get it, but guess what. The human spectrum is a diverse one and for every bad man out there, there's a bad woman. We all suck just as bad as the next individual.

    • trillium2013 says:


    • Chris says:

      Excellent post! The point of the author seems to be "emasculate your man at every chance".

      • Rachael says:

        How is she telling women to emasculate their men? She's telling men that not listening to their girlfriends, treating sex like the most important thing in the relationship etc. will make her leave. Are you implying that it's not manly to listen to your girlfriend?

    • ilfauno44 says:


      Women: some part of you may come from Venus, but 99% of you comes from your mother, and guess what, 99% of a man ditto. Respect the person to earn respect. Two way street here.

    • Rachael says:

      To #1, The thing is, when a woman vents to you about her problems, she most likely already has a solution to the problem. This doesn't mean that the problem doesn't weigh heavily on her anyway. That's why she's venting. Always providing a solution when she tells you about her problems comes off as if you don't appreciate the value of the talk itself, of her having someone to talk to when she's down, or of you having someone to talk to when you're down. It comes off as if you're trying to end the talk right there with a solution before she was done actually talking. The talk itself is theraputic for her. I understand that you want to find a solution, but sometimes women just need someone to listen and not talk. While this is definitely not true for every single woman, it's true for a lot of women. My best friend has told me before that she likes talking to me about her problems because I don't try to problem solve unless she asks for a solution. I just listen.

      Something that a partner is supposed to do is listen to their partner's problems. If she would listen to you vent when you're in a bad mood, then you can do the same for her. Treating the fact that she's venting to you as "treating you like an emotional punching bag" implies that it's shameful to share her feelings with her boyfriend, that everything a woman says to her boyfriend should be light and cheery and that she should repress her real problems because of how it makes her boyfriend feel. But human beings can't always be cheery like that. It's different if she is constantly in a bad mood and she's treating you as a therapist instead of a boyfriend. That can definitely weigh too heavily on a person. It might also be a sign that she has some problems that she has to fix on her own, and that she should learn to be happy without another person before she can be happy with one. But occasional venting and expecting quiet listening instead of a solution shouldn't be seen as a personal insult.

      • Kee says:

        Yeah – talking is great … if only it were a two way street. I find women generally don't like listening to men's insecurities and problems and tend to make light of them.

      • George says:

        You aren't supposed to have a solution and if you do wait and see if what your guy says is similar……understanding the differences between sexes is the key…but that is not a one way street as in…he understands so now he should behave that way….if you understand then you can behave differently also! He wants to solve allow him to….you want him to listen….guide him to…if you are half as good as you think you are then the reciprocation and guidance of both roles by both parts is surely the best outcome!

    • Jeo says:

      Amen brother.

    • James says:

      PERFECTLY said, Brandon! Back to the original article, I ask: and what if the guy is the perfect boyfriend (according to her friends and others) and does all the opposite of these beginner's mistakes and STILL the girl betrays him and dumps him after 4 years of a solid and dedicated relationship? 🙂 what was then? Of course he did some UNACCEPTABLE mistake, right ladies?

    • MZBrown says:

      Brand you sound like ol' MITCH for this post!!!!

    • Silas says:

      Good points Brandon

      I would like to see Tamara write the same article from the mans perspective Entitle it "how to lose the man you love"

  11. Carl Blum says:

    Ah, I read his post last night when I was pretty drunk, it was shared on a friend's Faceybook page. I went off on #7, but rightfully so. I like this article, it's cute. But women need to know few things in return..
    1. Stop doing the little things like holding her hand and looking into her eyes. ~Learn to appreciate the little thing that Men do. While it may not seem like much to you, it was to him. Find out what he does do that he thinks is special, and then appreciate them, otherwise he Will Stop.
    2. Don’t ask her questions or try to get to know her. ~ Seriously… Sometimes we are NOT just that deep.
    3. Don’t listen to her when she talks to you or even better yet, interrupt when she’s sharing her heart with corrections to her thinking and answers for her problems. ~ Say Something, we will listen. If you want to be listened to, tell us the bottom line if 5 words or less, tell us that first, THEN go on and yack about the non important stuff. We Will Listen. Go Ahead, try it once, you may be surprised.
    4. Don’t allow her to feel safe and relax into your love. ~ Go Ahead play games, you will lose. If you plan on testing us, let us know when the test is, what it is about and how we can study for it.
    5. Take everything as an attack on your character and meet your woman with defensiveness and anger. ~ Quit bitching and just dump the guy. We are not going to change and obviously, you have picked the Wrong guy for you. He is NOT going to Change one thing for you, You are Not that special. Get used to it.
    6. Don’t make her special or allow her to relax into knowing she’s your woman. ~ Yup… So true…
    7. Make sex your be all- end all- expression of love. ~ Epic Failure by thinking we are going to do anything else. Seriously, take everything out of the equation, go back 20,000 years, living in caves, think about man back then, that is pretty much the way we still are. NO, that is the way we are, stop thinking we are going to be different.
    8. Stop joking and making her laugh. ~ We are guilty of this. I appreciated this statement sincerely.
    9. Check out when you’re with her by using your phone constantly. ~ True, both ways… Once again, dump him.

    So, I have angered Many but please take a moment to read this next statement. I am old, I am a real man. I have spent more time with women than you could possibly imagine. In singular form and in groups. Young Women, Old Women, (btw the dividing point is 30) I am a great observer, and because of a brain injury as a child, I have a hard time forgetting stuff. I have had the MOST intimate and personal conversations with women and most of the time, I hear about the "man" in her life or Lack of one. Women are more intelligent, yet they don't the know the most basic things, like… What they actually want in a man; That Men are Not going to change. Women communicate at a higher level than men, but you still have not figured out How to talk with a man.
    Women look for a purpose in life, Men look for sex. This is a funny statement to even look at, but so true in its nature.

    Good Luck Girls.

    • Jenn says:

      "7. Make sex your be all- end all- expression of love. ~ Epic Failure by thinking we are going to do anything else. Seriously, take everything out of the equation, go back 20,000 years, living in caves, think about man back then, that is pretty much the way we still are. NO, that is the way we are, stop thinking we are going to be different. "

      Did evolution skip you? All it suggests is being intimate other than when it is time to have sex.

      • Carl Blum says:

        Jenn, Evolution didn't skip any of us, That is the point I am making. Evolution takes about 60,000 cycles to effect a change. Maybe you are thinking more along the lines of social evolution, which is fine, that is the game we talk, but when it comes to nature, emotions, if you are looking for a man to supply with you a showing of love that involves kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc…. That is not going to happen. Men are built, to reproduce, its in our genes, we kiss a woman with the emotion that she wants, we will get aroused… What can't you get about that? So either we do it for sex, or we don't do it at all.

        • Lynette White says:

          Meet Rosie and the 5 sisters Carl and stop attempting to produce what you will not accept responsibility for! It is my opinion that you need to keep your "genes" on or learn to grow up and help with that which you took part in reproducing! You may even live longer spending time with Rosie and the 5 sisters for various reasons and will never have to give to anyone else back what you expect them to give you! Smart boy! Did you possibly learn all this wisdom of yours by experiences in online dating? LOL!

        • John M says:

          Carl, I think you are dead wrong. There are men for whom emotional and spiritual intimacy is paramount, not sex. I include myself amoung them. I have been fortunate that women and men friends have helped me to evolve to this point. I have expereinced emotional/spiritual intimacy that has far surpassed anything I felt with physical sex.

        • Ginger says:

          Damn, Carl, some chick did a number on you.

        • starrdusk says:

          OOps. Got that one dead wrong. While I agree that sex is seemingly different for men, they do enjoy those things. I had one like that, who liked the intimate things like talk and conversation… these are usually the things that on in publick; they lead slowly up to the behind closed doors; can go on for days before the man is just like… ok, lets finish what we started in town… the attention, the small touches the… laughing at the jokes, sharing a look that is only for you when there are a dozen people around; see what I mean? All lead to the actual sexual act. All important and seemingly nothing more then a meeting of minds and hearts. Oops again. That is it right there.
          The consistent, or sometimes even one time, meeting of the minds and hearts. Amazing how that works.

      • plantswoman says:

        thank you, Jenn.

    • Claudia Kuzniak says:

      I think Carl is honest. Men need sex. You can't change them, so don't expect to. They're not all that deep. Finally, it's true that most women don't know what they want in a man. Personally, I like Carl's masculine confidence…pretty rare these days.

    • SomeGalNTX says:

      Oh! So men are MORE into sex than women, and enjoy it more! *That is what you mean? ROFL

      Oh you small minded, or inexperienced man! Just because someone doesn't drop their panties in a heap at the mere mention of sex doesn't mean they aren't highly sexual beings. Men who think so might do well to reexamine their own sexual techniques, "procedures and routines" and change those.
      You might find out that foreplay starts at dinner, with touches, kisses and other loving gestures.

      And sometimes it ain't YOU doing it.

      • ZK16 says:

        Small-minded or inexperienced! I don't know this Carl Blum at all but your ad hominem attack is unwarranted and unintelligent. I recommend you read the (science) book by Jared Diamond, "Why is sex fun?" Science, biology and evolution all indicate that our commentator Blum is right and men are primarily interested in sex, whereas women may also be highly sexual but are biologically driven by an impulse to 'nest,' not merely to spread their genes as men are. This should not be offensive to either gender – it is an understanding of how we are biologically wired. Behaving differently (or monitoring one's behaviour) is then a choice, however it is not the default setting.

    • alisha says:

      I completly agree with you!! My husband & I have been together 6 years married 3 & when we were 1st together he was constantly hugging, kissing, grabbing me & IDC where we qwere if we were sitting I had to be on his lap!! We are still very affectionate & very much in love but I honestly think a. Part of him has to feel like its a fling or something because he kisses me all the time but its been 4 years( yes I've kept track) since he kissed me before,during or after sex!! Lol don't miss understand, I have no doubt inn his love for me he shows me constantly but it is in all men to feel rambunkous or not tied down, whatever you wanna call it, most women are to emotional & also have the stereotype of men swooning the women & men making most of the effort towards "proving" there love in certain ways. We all need to look at & break down our partners & relationships individually!! I look at these blogs ect when friends post them & realize from the outside looking in my husband isn't open or loving or what have you but he knows what's important to me & me to him, he knows the affection he shows my oldest 2 children who aren't his makes me happier than anything else could in this world & I know him having a warm meal & someone who will stay all day in the woods is his love!!!

    • Kendra says:

      Wow I really liked that from a guys point of view, it was really eye opening. Thank you so much! 🙂

    • starrdusk says:

      Actually, it is pretty right on. But I don't see this as a way of trying to put men down, and the aspects that you mention, while being true, is not really the focus of the article.. exactly. Sex being the "all that is" really is not always the full scope nor that big of a deal , as long as there is an honest friendship there to go with it. That makes up for a whole lot of quote unquote imperfections.
      After two first marriages, it was the third that surprised me. I Came into it with different criteria then the others and married only because they were there; it was these things that actually caught my heart and mind, slowly, with time.
      I read this not so much to find the bad things that happenas to see how they actually were able to shed light on the ways to a womans heart for the long haul.
      #3. I can agree with this one, but don't change that pattern mid-stream. This is an indication that something is wrong, so at least be willing to give a reason for the change. Look, men can follow these important things when they are working on business transactions, in fact have to if they want to get that sale or that partnership so to say that this is a 'man' thing is not fair to the rest of the men out there who do. At some point the marital relationship has to become as important as business, and might have to be given that same consideration when dealing with your life partner. While it may be true for some when a man says "we only think with half our brain while women think with both sides, you can learn. I heard that one over and over again, even found it funny until I realized that this was only true when it came to partners in life, or by choise.
      My biggest thing is this. IF there are problems, if you are not happy or there is something in your relationship that would 'cause' you to go to another relationship, at least be willing to talk it out, or mention it when asked otherwise you have taken away the most important thing that makes a relationship work; the chance to make things better, the chance to 'work through it'. This makes the whole relationship a lie.
      But then again, my own last relationship had other things at work which had to do with Military training, so it is not entirely fair of me to give this the same kind of consideration that I would if these things were not going on. If one has never dealt with a psychopath, then you have no idea how the criteria changes. Quite amazing that. Also, psychopaths are created, they are not born that way.
      Yes, I went off topic. Ok.

  12. Ben says:

    I agree with the article and enjoyed how your perspective in writing the way you did it, even though some of the situations and viewpoints were hard for me to swallow because I know that I have done many of those things in my life that I was not proud of but did learn from those mistakes. It was intriguing and thought provoking, more so from the male responses.

    Why is it that the saying “Treat me like a Queen and I’ll treat you as a King” always start with the women saying do this for me first then I will do it for you. You never hear the women say ‘I will treat you like a King and you will treat me like your Queen.’ (the terms king and queen still have a set structure of seniority of the women being less and the man being more). Why not say/do: ‘I will be my authentic self and love myself unconditionally and you will be your authentic self and love yourself unconditionally and we will become one when we are both in this state and if we are not in this state then we will not hold each other at any standards less than what we are currently at or desire.’

    Baruch, information can be presented in any way that serves a purpose and gets people into reading the full article. If it was much like the main stream media then I would not have even bothered reading the article nor decided to comment. I agree that a spiritual bond is significant but who is to determine that not all relationships are not spiritual? Are we not spiritual beings or souls inhabiting a physical expression of life and love? And how long is something supposed to last? Who determines when to move on or continue the course?

    Brandon, obviously you don’t understand women or yourself. Sexual release is NOT a must for men. Let’s take a look into what sexual release entails. Whatever term you want to use for sexual release is not a physical thing as much as an emotional expression of that physical experience. Meaning, since everything starts with a thought, many thoughts leads to feelings (preprogrammed based upon past experiences), many feelings lead to certain actions based upon past results or desired outcomes. If there has been a serious look into not wanting to repeat the past. The Sexual release is the very LAST thing that happens in the sequence of anything sexual.

    You talk about denying intimacy. The only one that can deny you intimacy is yourself. You can only experience what you are. If you’re lonely and looking for a ‘hook-up’ then the act of looking will lead to more “acts of looking and experiences the not having of.” Also EVERYONE is emotional beings. It’s not just women. But they do show it more and we have a lot to learn from them.

    Carl, I agree with some of your thoughts but #3. They should not have to prep us to be them. We need to understand ourselves and how they are and not react. Listening, Responding and NOT trying to fix things are our responsibility. #4, really??? The best way to know you are being your authentic self is not to be prepped. They understand that. #5 You have hit the point I would like to make. You/I/We CANNOT change anyone. The whole point of a relationship/friendship is to be with them and not change them. Once you start to change how someone acts, behaves, does or doesn’t do what they used to do or what you want them to do than it’s time to move on. Ask yourself Why? What part of myself am I not wanting to face or become so I will blame and push it upon someone else for me to feel better about myself or the situation. It all starts with self.

    #7 We men are soo much more evolved than the cave man. Back then I bet the women were smarter and more advanced. Just because they could actually create a new form of life, us cave men could kill and grunt. Whopdee.

    Also Carl, anytime you have to explain who you are to anyone then you are setting yourself up for criticism and judgment. We all have a history and opinions. That doesn’t mean anything. What does is that you were open enough to express your opinion and be open to be judged and criticized. The act of closing out your response with classifying the women audience you are talking to are “girls” suggests that you think that the women is less than the male gender and in turn lessens my ability to respect your opinion and take it seriously.

    Annarose86 and Liz, what parts of yourselves are not being heard, expressed, loved? While it’s nice to feel validated, your man may not see the same as you do. Also you cannot make him read or do anything he doesn’t want you to do.

    Final note. Men do not look for sex any less or more than women do. It’s a perceptual observation based upon our own unique experiences. That’s all. We all are looking for purpose in life. We need to go inside of ourselves and change that part of us that we know we can control. Thank you for the creation of the article, the responses and to elephant journal for allowing me to express my opinion and having a place to bring great ideas into one location. I look forward to many more conversations and emotional expressions.

    • Shortcake says:


      Who ARE you??? If you truly take responsibility for yourself as your comment suggests, reflecting on how your own actions contributed to the situation, then I have to ask, where are you and when can we talk?

    • Daydreamer says: really sound like my ideal man..shame I will probably never meet someone so articulate and full of sense in real life

    • Molly says:

      Nice to see one really intelligent, thoughtful, and respectful post from a man on this article. There's lot of truth to this post…relationships hold a cyclical dynamic, but since men and women are inherently different, each person needs to learn what to feed into the relationship in order to keep the relationship going in a healthy way. The author was simply trying to express some typical needs for women… no need to get defensive about it, and that's exactly the thing that kills most relationships.
      Thanks for your thoughtful response, Ben.

      • Jason says:

        It's counterproductive to open a comment by BASHING the rest of us "Nice to see one really intelligent, thoughtful, and respectful post from a man on this article." – not all of us have the time, energy, want, to comment as in-depth as Ben, but that doesn't mean there aren't hundreds or more men reading this… it is unfortunate that the sexes clash so much, and some great points were made on both sides.. but really, i think the best posts cover the highly issues:
        1. are BOTH partners doing, sharing, communicating
        2. do both partners work on their own issues / insecurities / goals / dreams
        3. and when doing #2.. is your partner supportive and understanding
        4. someone mentioned spiritual beings and others suggesting god/religion – to each his / her own
        5. taking accountability for your own actions / issues / and working on resolving them

        I know I am not perfect and I actively work with my partner to resolve my own issues, her issues and OUR issues.. and that's where being a listener, having open communication all come into play..

        someone mentioned that part of their relationship was the fact they both of them UNDERSTOOD the other and that was perfect for THEIR relationship. I agree.

        As Ben mentioned.. it's hard to give a response credibility for numerous reasons… being a guy, I get tossed in the stupid column often, but I am not.. I also listen passionately and I am very analytical. I KNOW i can work on myself and become better.

        Ben's response was very well written but i liked the overall high-level outlook.. instead of specifics.

        If you find yourselves in any of these groups, YOU have the ability to change this.. IF.. you really want to and I know this personally.

        I guess in the end, we all want to be loved and to love, so let us all realize we ALL could put a little more elbow grease into ourselves.

  13. Devika says:

    #10. Whatever you do, do not be there for her in times of need. If she is sick, grieving, etc, just do whatever it is that you feel like doing. Have a few beers. Do not communicate with her. Do not include her. If you follow this advice she will make sure you never have to be there again.

  14. Farah says:

    What a great article!

  15. sick and tired male says:

    none of this work.

  16. Nick says:

    I think this article, is really amazing, although, I think agreements and letting go of past relationships is key before a man can engage a new love in his life, and do all those things you spell out in your article. I think that many men are afraid to trust attractive women, especially if they have a mental illness or take drugs or drink too much and embarrass themselves. I agree that public shows of affection are a no no generally, but in reference to your article, thanks for the pointers, I think also that this article will only help with certain female types, rather than a general rule.

  17. Jezebel says:

    Great points. I think one more needs to be added: Checking out other women and flirting with them in her presence.

  18. hausofmarsian says:

    I really don't like this article or find it to be in the spirit of awareness or inclusivity that I associate with Elephant Journal. It is blatantly heterosexist in that it pretty much assumes the reader is a heterosexual man (I doubt that it was written for a Lesbian audience). The way it is written makes women seem like they all think alike and have no agency in making themselves happy. It is 2014 and heteronormativity is no longer the standard.

    • Patrick says:

      It's 2014 and no one gives a shit about political correctness anymore. You need a time machine to travel back to the early 90s for that shit.

    • Joanne says:

      I disagree with your assumptions. You obviously live in your own little box. Maybe created a distorted way of seeing women because of your experiences. I work with women and their relational issues. This article is very accurate, but does not include those who have been abused and seduced by the world's liberal thinking. In my opinion there is a fundamental truth about who we as woman are and how we see ourselves and the world around us.

    • ZK16 says:

      Absolutely! Appalling how weak and silly it portrays all women as being.

  19. Denise says:

    This is an article written from Tamara Star's perspective. I think the article title should have her name in brackets. I have an issue in general when women write articles in which they try to encompass all women and say "this is how women feel". Speak for yourself and state its from your point of view.
    Having your head stuck in your mobile when someone is speaking to you is just plain rude….Thats not a man/woman issue. Its just bad manners.
    I don't need a man to keeping holding my hand and looking into my eyes and asking questions about me…christ that's just needy! Do I really need to feel that I'm someone's woman?
    I feel pretty good knowing I'm just me….and I would feel a whole lot better if my man was himself and comfortable in being himself around me and me around him that we don't have to resort to a set of silly rules to stay together.
    When it falls apart it falls apart, this is life, its for the living.

    • Aditya says:

      Denise , I like your perspective. I'm in love with a woman now who thinks along those lines and am super happy and comfortable in my skin , shes my second . I did all those things Tamara wrote in my first relationship and she completely fell out of love hehehe . I believe we shouldn't make it all about the other , we lose out on loving ourselves .
      Cheers .

  20. Darin says:

    I just broke up with an awesome woman, except I could not deal with her #5 of the list. She had some past issues she could not let go of, and everything I would say would come off as an attack. I miss her, but I couldnt handle another day of the anger and defensivness. It made me craz 🙁

  21. Rich says:

    This is so ridiculous. If I missed the point then I don’t care to learn it. Treat u like u don’t matter? Seriously? I know ur different biologically from us but this is absurd. I rather stay alone than with one of these crazies that agree they should be treated like dirt. What’s wrong with ppl that they think they need to be ignored or trampled on to find “true love” or “someone that gets me”. Interrupted or just flat out told to shut up? U have no idea what a real or meaningful relationship should be like if u think that. I don’t lack balls cause I care about u. I have them cause I’m man enough to meet u in the middle and dissuade my ego for one that’s worth it. One that’s willing to work as hard as I am on all problems seen and unseen. Known and unknown. No matter how far in the future it comes up or how far in the past it started. Call me optimistic, but I can only hope this isn’t how all women feel.

  22. Peggy says:

    "Men are not our problem; it's what we are trying to get from them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling than our attempt to derive our womanhood from our men. We use guys like mirrors to see if we're valuable, beautiful, desirable, worthy of notice or viable." "we're attempting to geet our security from a gender that doesn't really have much to spare." "So Long Insecurity" Beth Moore

    • Joanne says:

      That is very good Peggy, possibly there should be a combination of the two. I don't get my self worth from men but when a man treats me badly it isn't in line with that same truth! It's not rocket science for a man to treat us with the same respect that we treat ourselves.

  23. Jade says:

    OMG. This man doesn't exist. It's another woman that can provide this. I would't want that man. To me, he would be an embarrassment to man kind. I love a real manly man!

  24. Elli says:

    This article is written with very sexist construction. All the "your woman" talk is ridiculous, and not all women want the same things, nor are all men as clueless as this article suggests. Ug. I wish we could grow up a little as a society.

    • Male Perspective says:

      Thank you! Coming from a male perspective, this seemed like so much hogwash. Women are people and just as varied as men are. What seems more accurate from my perspective is:

      'How to lose the 16-21 year old woman who has yet to gain enough life experience to know herself whom you lust after for good, though it was never going to be for good regardless'.

    • super_270 says:

      I was going to try to comment on this, but you have already made the point I was going for. So I'll settle for giving you the little "thumb up" on the side, and a thank you.

    • ina says:

      haha arent these comments cute coming from guys.. lol
      nothing wrong with that, and im sure you have great relationships with your women 😀

    • ilfauno44 says:

      Another Amen to Elli!

    • Steven says:

      i agree. very sexist and simplistic. it goes both ways. not all men are pigs.

    • TahitiNut says:

      Funny how it's always the guy's fault when a marriage fails.

      It's fascinating (not) to me that these articles are written to a predominantly female audience and yet this one is written under the facade of addressing the lesser male readership. Why is that, I wonder? What does the larger readership gain from this?

      Oh…wait… I see in the above comment by 'ina' that she gets amused by the "cute comments coming from guys"! Well, isn't that adorable? I wonder how she has time to comment with the number of happy suitors knocking on her door at all hours.

  25. super_270 says:

    I do not mind the numbered points, but most of everything leading up to it was rubbish.

  26. ??? says:

    Picasso was a sexist pig who had numerous failed relationships. Great way to start the article.

  27. Peggy says:

    So True!!!

  28. James says:

    Thsee are the same things a woman does to lose a guy. Your artice should be titled, “How to lose your lover”. Just sayin’…

    • rainman says:

      bottom line….. if your relationship is that bad, you should make it exciting. Give her a kiss, and grab her hand and lead her to the bedroom. right after you undress, bend her over and grab her firmly by the hair. then pound her into submission. but sides will truly respect this and it will relieve each other’s stress. don’t lie and say this does not have truth to it.

  29. Brandy says:

    The way he acted AFTER the breakup is what completely killed any chance he had with me. For example:
    – Trying to log on to my Facebook, then lied about it when confronted. Finally confessed, then tried again.
    – Harassing any male friends of mine that he assumed was after me.
    – Waiting for me to get home after hanging out with said friends to start an argument and make accusations.
    – Telling my mom and sister that I was out with my "new boyfriend".
    – Messaging my family to ask about me. He even told my sister's boyfriend that he messaged my previous ex to ask about me.
    – Making me lock myself in the bathroom to get away from the arguing, and when I started to cry, he said, "Oh, you have emotions!"
    – Telling me he knows where a friend took me for dinner. When asked how he knew, he says, "I know people in the city. Someone told me they saw you there."

    Thank goodness the lease ended.

  30. anon says:

    or you can just break up and not beat around the bush…

  31. Really says:


  32. Patricia Blair says:

    I believe that this article hit a nerve with the males; probably because of the accuracy of it. Actually the women are giving out a not so subtle warning to the men, and if the men care about the women, they will take it to heart, and grow from it. Only if they care, of course. I enjoyed the article; thank you for printing it.

  33. Tamara Star says:

    Interesting comments. Thank you everyone. This was from a woman's perspective. If you want to read it on my blog, I link a great perspective from a man's point of view after my post. As far as the attacking/shaming comments, awesome-I struck a nerve, stuck my finger in your sore spot and hit your trigger. Fertile ground to muse upon I'd say. And on the point of testing…indeed, testing comes and goes, but it's a fact of life. Deal with it, cut bait and run, doesn't matter….the same issues will come up in every relationship because the common factor is the person in the mirror. Many women don't want to hear a man's point of view and get defensive and just as many men don't want to hear a woman's point of view and instead get defensive. We can keep pointing the finger, or we can look at the opposite sex from their shoes and seek compassion. And Elli, thanks for the comments, your opinion doesn't matter to me but if it's important to you, I suggest you contact Waylon for a guest post. Blessings everyone

  34. Roish says:

    #1: Put her next to the car keys..

  35. Morton_Salt says:

    Interesting to read the gentlemen commenting here who are upset by this. Why get upset unless it's speaking directly to your behavior?
    And if it is, why not begin the journey to improving your relationships?

    • rob says:

      They may be getting upset because it speaks to the behavior of a woman they dated, and to read it as a generalization of male behavior is like adding insult to injury.

      We all have things we can improve on, but a one sided complaint about what one half isn't getting doesn't help move things forward. Focusing on what you're not getting, instead of thinking about what you can give causes a lot of relationship problems.

      Tamara's comment about testing being a fact of life is particularly vapid. Any guy could just say that any of the behaviors described in this post are just a fact of life (one of the comments essentially did say this by speaking about evolution, and of course he got flamed, deservedly, but his view is no worse than Tamara's comment).

      I've dated women who "tested" me by yelling and cursing at me when they were upset about something. Sometimes I stayed calm and let it roll off my back, but sometimes I was having a bad day where I needed support and I got angry in return because I was hurt. Could I have handled those situations better? Sure. Could the girl have handled it better by not initiating an interaction with yelling and cursing? I think so, but this article seems to be implying that my job as guy is to calmly put up with any behavior, no matter how childish, because after all it's only testing. In the end I backed away because I got tired of being "tested" all the time. Guys need support too, and expecting a guy to always respond with loving communication if you're never reciprocating is the road to codependency. Testing is not a fact of life. You can just as easily observe how someone behaves in real life challenges, without creating problems and conflict just as a test. Or, imagine this, even help someone and work together on those challenges…gasp!

      Google "Mark Manson,toxic relationship habits" for a much more balanced perspective on things both sides should not do. Why create more conflict with generic blaming? But hey, my opinion doesn't matter

  36. lrsadler says:

    not entirely sure how this managed to get posted on a website with a feminist bent, seeing as it's incredibly sexist. I wonder how many upvotes I'd get if I wrote a "hey women, this is what you need to do not fuck up your relationship with your man." article.

  37. Sean says:

    Sex me, feed me, shut the hell up! It is that easy!

  38. Captn Kabloowey says:

    I have found that the best way to get her to leave is to bang her sister.

    YMMV though.

  39. Christian says:

    So true! But do we agree that this goes both ways???
    Or…if a woman/girlfriend is checking her phone all the time during dinner…is it then simply a sign of me (the man) being boring?

  40. ZK16 says:

    I am a woman, and I find this to be an teeth-clenchingly silly article. "Relax into being your woman" etc. – are we still living in the Middle Ages? Can we stop treating OURSELVES as possessions, as things capable of being possessed? I would like to find a man who has a fulfilling life and a positive outlook – and such a man would logically want a woman who has the same, not someone who is insecure and constantly 'testing waters' (not a sign of coming closer, thank you, but a sign of low self-esteem in the woman or a warning sign that the man is simply not one who inspires faith). Disappointed that Elephant Journal is publishing this sexist tripe.

  41. Karl says:

    This is a wonderfully informative post and I hope guys pay attention. The “little things” mean much more than a little. I also hope that women pay attention, because the way for them to lose the guy they love is not too dissimilar.

  42. kmzam says:

    Say one thing, do another … actions speak louder, always. Something I'm reminded of from time to time … walk your talk, or just walk.

  43. Duane says:

    that's if you're talking aBOUT a good woman.. most women are as faithful as her options!

  44. Akela says:

    Holy shit. I found this pretty painful to read. 🙁 Thank you for writing it though, really. You've articulated a lot of unverbalised stuff here, at least for me.

  45. Amy E says:

    I do hope that no man would take this advice seriously. I have always thought this article was written tongue in cheek. If not, it's passive-aggressive. Always be fair to the other person. How would you feel if you were treated this way? I still believe this article was written to give examples of what not to do…or lose your woman.

  46. Chiropractor says:

    Fantastic article! Take time to make your woman a priority in your life and treat her right. Its the attention to detail and small acts of kindness that go a long way.

  47. roger says:

    funny that women are all ok with an arcticle like that but they never question themselves. If a guy start acting like what is described above, you should know something, it's already too late, he is bored of you. you obviously did somthing he didn't like and now he sticks around to find somebody else. and that is the ugly truth.

  48. audra says:

    this one needs a 'Like' option.

  49. Tony says:

    That is all true. I counted 4 things on that list that helped me lose my ex for good in the past… Sad

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