I recently read an article on EJ called How to Love a Single Mom, by Rebecca Lammersen. 

It was a great piece, which I reread several times—I love to see single parents being championed and given a voice.

Rebecca is one-step ahead of me—finding love or a lover is the furthest thing from my mind right now. My daughter is only 12 months old, we share a bed, I’m breastfeeding on demand so my hormones are up and down and all around. Plus, my experience with her father has left me afraid of being vulnerable again.

For now, at least—but that’s another story.

Although romance is not on my agenda, Rebecca’s article made me think of the other aspects of partnership that I really do crave: the emotional, mental and practical support. Deep trust, mutual respect, close friendship, adult conversation on tap. Another pair of hands to help with cooking, cleaning, cuddling the little one.

Because—let’s face it—raising a child alone is hard.

Nothing fills me with even half as much joy and happiness as my beautiful daughter does—but solo parenting is a huge emotional, mental and physical challenge.

Luckily, I am blessed to be surrounded by a good strong support network of people who are willing and able to lend a hand. But it’s taken a while for me to be able to graciously accept it. We single parents are proud bunch and don’t always like to ask for help….so it occurs to me that some may not be getting the help they need.

So for all the mamas and papas out there doing it on their own and in honor of the amazing people who help make my life as a single mother so much easier, here are my tips on how to (platonically) love a single parent:

1. Listen.

SP (Single Parent) can go weeks without having a proper grown-up conversation with another adult. Let her use you as a sounding board to get things clear in her mind. Be interested in what she has to say, and let her feel heard.

2. Be Patient.

Don’t put pressure on the SP to see you as often as you think she should. Just be happy when you do see her. As the only cook/cleaner/doctor/nappy changer/teacher/cuddle monster in that household, she just doesn’t have the same freedom as a joint-parent team, and she’s probably exhausted! Reassure her that it’s fine if she needs to reschedule…don’t make her feel like she has let you down.

3. Babysit.

Don’t offer and then wait for SP to take you up on it—because she probably won’t. Just tell her the day you’re taking the kids, show up and order SP to have a nap/take a yoga class/go out with friends/get on with some work.

4. Lighten the Load.

Or if babysitting isn’t your gig, help in other ways. Like when you come over to say hi, clear up after yourself. For a SP, it means that little bit less time cleaning, and a little bit more time reading books to the sprog. Sheri Rosen makes an interesting point in her article Raising a Child as a Single Parent that it isn’t helpful for kids to see mum doing everything as “it gives the wrong message about family and working together.” By mucking in when you are at SP’s place, you’re helping to teach the little one that everyone should do his or her bit.

5. Give them the Gift of Time.

If there is anything you can do to give your SP friend more quality time with her child, then do it. Send a cleaner over to her house. Cook her dinner once in a while. Pick up some shopping and hang out at their house so they don’t have to travel. Children don’t stay small for long, and being the main breadwinner doesn’t leave a lot of spare time to watch them grow.

6. Encourage.

You know the saying “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” It’s a huge responsibility being the sole caregiver for the most precious things in your life, and that takes a lot of emotional energy. It’s crushing to hear someone suggest that you’re doing it wrong—however good the intention.

So what if SP puts the TV on to distract a toddler while they get on with cooking and cleaning? Who cares if they haven’t been able to get baby into an eating and sleeping routine yet? For every parent, succeeding is about trial and error—you’ve got to fail a little to win a lot.

We’re all just trying to get through each day with our sanity intact, enough sleep to function and a happy, healthy baby. In most cases, you can rest assured that no one is more concerned about the child’s welfare than that lone parent—so don’t judge. If you want to give advice, do it in a positive and motivating way. Boost SPs self-esteem and confidence. Tell them what an awesome job they are doing!

So there you have it—my best advice for being part of a single parent support network.

Feel free to add your own tips and advice in the comments below.

 

 

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editorial Assistant: Amanda Fleming Taylor/Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: