Parents! 10 Reasons to talk to your children about sex before they’re in High School.
A lot of my friends have children now, and progressive as they are, they are turning out to be…a bit squeamish about talking to their kids about sex. Even though they realize it’s a vital subject.
A lot of them are putting it off, saying, “kids need room to be kids” and “it’s too early.”
It isn’t.
How do I know that now’s the time?
1) I went to school, and I remember how early we started talking about sex. Your children are probably ahead of me by a couple of years, at least. That means late elementary school. Late. Elementary. School. Like grade 4. And that was in the 80’s.
2) They’re seeing it everywhere, with lots of chances to learn all kinds of skewed values. Whatever values you have around sex, you need to get a word in edgewise, early, and often.
3) Advertising says it takes 7-13 impressions to get someone to click through. The bad information that’s out there is getting plenty of airtime. If you don’t speak up, you can’t compete.
4) Research tells us that if you repeat a lie often enough, people will begin to believe it. If the unhelpful messages about sex are getting repeated enough to stick, they’re getting repeated enough to start to sound like truth. It’s your job to make sure your kids hear something different often enough to believe it. And repetition takes time.
5) It doesn’t matter which side of the coin you’re on. If you believe in abstinence until marriage, monogamy, and “traditional values” or if you believe in radical consent, polyamory, and GLBT rights, or any remix of the above, you are not represented by the popular media. In fact, I can’t think of anyone whose values are represented by the popular media. Do yourself a favor and become the most popular media in your house.
6) They’re listening. Uncomfortable, but listening. Let them be uncomfortable. Let them squirm. They will be glad to know what a blowjob is before someone asks if they want to participate in one. Nothing is more embarrassing than not knowing the answer because you don’t understand the offer. And even if your kids aren’t thinking about it yet, other kids are.
7) Sexting and sexual harassment are real things with real consequences. And your kids have to know where the lines are before they inadvertently cross them. It may be obvious to you. It may be obvious to them. Or not. Teach them to trust the feeling in their gut. Teach them to check with you first.
8) Teach them to say no when they mean no, so that you and everyone can trust their yes. This is a life skill, not just a sex skill. A person who says yes and no when they mean it is going to have clearer communication and healthier interactions in all of their life. There’s no time that’s “too young” to teach this skill…and teaching it is sexuality education.
9) Respect is a life skill, too. Teaching respect for other people starts early, but it never goes wrong. Happily, it also keeps your child from sticking their foot in their mouth at inopportune moments. Again, save your child the embarrassment and social awkwardness now; save your child the dysfunctional relationship later.
10) Build trust. When your kids know that it’s okay to ask you awkward questions, that you don’t always know the answers, that they won’t be punished for what they don’t know, and that you will teach them well and hear them out, then they know that you can be trusted. This means they will come to you for advice later, when things are muddy and murky and emotionally laden and complicated. Otherwise, you won’t even know there’s a problem until it’s a giant problem, and they will feel very, very alone.
No one can talk to your children like you can. No one has the access, no one has the relationship, no one has the time. Help them learn the tricky, personal, awkward things before they have to guess about handling something hard. That’s guidance.
That’s parenting.
That’s love.
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