I recently discovered that I love sex—at age 40.
I was raised in a catholic family where sexuality was not celebrated—or even discussed. Sex was for making babies. Masturbation was considered a sin.
“What if God saw you touching yourself, what would he think?”
As a girl I imagined God watching me in bed, from up there in outer space; I didn’t buy it. With all the terrible news on the TV every night, I had to believe that God saw far more disturbing things than me playing with my sexual parts. But looking back, I rarely did.
I married young and struggled with my sexuality for most of my marriage. In the beginning it was new and exciting. But as time went on and the real work of marriage (partnership) set in, the experience of sex turned ugly. I was told I was frigid, that it was my fault. Fault—I was asked to believe that something was wrong with me, that I was the problem.“You must just not like sex.” “Perhaps you are a lesbian.”
And I accepted the blame. I allowed myself to believe that I just didn’t need sex. Like television, I convinced myself that it was something I could do without in my adult life. I believed that I just wasn’t good at sex. Maybe I lacked the sex gene; because somehow I just didn’t enjoy it like other people.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager and I was determined not to become a statistic. I hung in there for seven years after I knew the marriage was not going to work. I focused on my study of yoga. I focused on raising our son. I focused on everything but my husband. Eventually there was no intimacy left—we ended it.
We failed at marriage. I failed at marriage. I was devastated.
My recovery is ongoing, and I am grateful for the supportive and inspiring people in my life. I am no longer devastated. I see clearly now and am engaging in more mindful relationships.
I have learned a few things about myself—and sex.
1. My Mind is Strong.
The bad sex was just a symptom of deeper problems in our relationship. I lacked a sense of security and protection from my husband.
Without creating a foundation of trust and cooperation in daily life, we can not find it in the bedroom.
2. My Heart is Open.
The problem wasn’t the sex. I wasn’t fulfilled mentally, emotionally or physically in the relationship. Our life together was uncertain, unpredictable and unplanned. This worked for him, but it destroyed me.
We ache to be cared for on any level—on every level.
3. My Vagina Works Great.
When my mind and heart are stimulated, my vagina follows.
They are a sex team of three; all three need to be connected and stimulated to attain orgasm…and deep intimacy.
I love sex.
I love thinking about sex.
I love the experience of sex.
I love how sex can bring two people closer together.
And, I love sex with myself (and God doesn’t mind).
I could choose to send my vagina out on sexcapades (without my heart and mind), but I won’t. I treasure the connection I have discovered.
When mind, heart and vagina come together—it is magic.
My partner pleasures the whole me, and the whole me vibrates with gratitude.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Rachel Nussbaum
Photo: Nick Mehmke