To the Women with the Wild Ones. ~ Hannah Brantley

Via Hannah Brantley on Mar 17, 2014

couple underwater

He will not always romance you, like they tell him to in movies.

He knows there are more important things. Things that he must focus on to be happy, so you will be happy. He has obsessions, passions, pursuits. You used to be his obsession, passion, pursuit. Then he caught you, and you thought he would keep pursuing you. Happily ever after.

He is not cheesy or corny with his words. He tells you things how they are. He tells you about things in yourself that need help, tweaking, and you cry because he is supposed to tell you that you are beautiful and perfect and a princess. He is supposed to buy you flowers, maybe chocolate, and tickets to Garth Brooks.

But when he tells you that you are radiant or kind, you know that no other words have burned with such sincerity.

He sends you articles about NASA and fire ants, and whatever else he finds interesting because he wants to better you and share himself in this way. He wants you to grow and learn alongside him. This is how he romances. Flowers are good and nice, but flowers die and chocolates are temporary. His wanting you to learn and be a better human woos you and wrings you.

And you think he is too hard on you. That he needs to be softer, gentler, because you are female and he is male. You think you deserve unending, undying love, caresses, attention.

But you are female: Woman. Why are you putting aside your dreams and pursuits for him, when there is a greater good?

Love and relationships are duality—never oneness.

He is wild. He will retreat and bend and sweat over things you don’t understand. He will not glance up when you walk in the room, though you have put on his favorite dress and tied up your hair.

You will stand in the doorway, leaning against the wooden frame, gazing at your lover so hopelessly lost in his other loves.

And if you are strong (which we all are not), you will smile and become full of his passion and fervency.

And if you are weak (which we all are not), a tear might slip down your cheek, onto your blue dress with the pearl-snap buttons, and you will so desperately want his fiery ambition to be released into you.

There is a part of him that you cannot have. It is his, and because it is his, you must have yours.

The part of your soul that is known, loved and accepted by you, and you alone. The spark, curiosity, life, and fire. Feed your unquenchable thirst with what touches your being with that delicate flame. You will find excuses and laundry will always seems more important, but it never is.

Never expect him to be whipped. He will never be at your beck and call. Remember, you are woman, and you can handle him, but you must never tame him.

Why were you attracted to him in the beginning? It is the same wildness. And it has hurt you so, but you must remember, if you are wise, you cultivate the same untamable nature, thrusting it into what you find good and worthy and authentic.

Be intuitive about how he loves you, not how you want to be loved. We are inclined to love others how we like to be loved. Find out how he is loved, and do so. Ask of him the same. His love may never be clear and smooth like glass. But his eyes will tell you, his touch will scream to you, and his tickles will lecture you of his love. You will doubt it, because that is not the way it happened when you went to go see the man and the woman fall in love on the screen.

Your love is not sensationalized, but real and raw and roughly hewn.

Be strong and delighted in someone so rare, understanding that conventional relationship advice may perhaps poison a bond so unique. Gather and contemplate what you value most. If it is yourself, dump him and find someone who thinks the same. You will probably end up eating frozen casseroles for dinner every night.

He should not think you are the utmost, the goal, the prize. He will lose himself. Do what you must to live simply and extraordinarily. You are his partner in crime and in good.

Unstoppable simpatico.

Fierce duality.

If you do what you do best, and come together and share those experiences, the richness and fulfillment surpasses the flowers, the notes, the chocolate, the words. Feel his very being; don’t let the mundane and unspoken words clash with how you feel things should be. Things should never be a certain way. They, like us, change.

We are sloppy, human, imperfect. There are those of us who were not made to feel like a princess, but a warrior. We are with the wild ones, and indeed, ourselves, are untamed.

 

Relephant reads:

All Good Things are Wild & Free. 

10 Things I Find Sexy in a Man (that Aren’t All About Sex).

How to Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to Be Loved.

 

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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     Editor: Jenna Penelle Lyons

     Photo: Pinterest 

About Hannah Brantley

Hannah Brantley is a personal chef and student of holistic health. She has a fascination for the compatibility of food, philosophy and aesthetics. She lives in Denver and can be found drinking coffee at any given time when she is not sleeping. Her other hobbies include swinging at the park, food styling, book clubs, and eating breakfast. You can connect with her via Instagram or Twitter (@hannah_brantley).

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22 Responses to “To the Women with the Wild Ones. ~ Hannah Brantley”

  1. Debbie Lynn says:

    LOVE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Elien says:

    God how I love this! Perfect words I wish I had written… ;)

  3. Hannah says:

    Absolutely, beautifully, amazing.

  4. Kenny says:

    Sigh. Romantic. Sweet, but fantasy. And unfortunately many vulnerable woman take these writings as somehow illustrative of actual relationships.

    As a psychologist who’s been married for 25+ years! I’d venture to say that almost none (including this writer) – if any – have been in a relationship of 10 years or more, most not even of 5 years.

    These sentiments have nothing to do with the love, compassion and wisdom generated in healthy intimate relationships, and present an ideal (?!!) that is counter to relationships of genuine love and meaning.

  5. Frank says:

    I can see nothing of "fantasy" here; it seems to me Kenny missed the major themes the author covers…while also exposing himself as one of the people the she'd be wary of taking advice from. The post isn't about romance (quite the contrary), it just happens to to be written whimsically, and I believe Kenny misunderstood this for the former.

  6. missmolly72 says:

    I needed this, thank you. Very timely.

  7. Claire says:

    Nice way to spin it…..It seems like this article justifies/rationalizes 'settling' in a relationship :(

  8. vitalbeing says:

    Oh this was just lovely. Thank you!

  9. omnidk says:

    An honorable dose of realness :) never mind the comment about settling, to settle down is to build solid.

    This sentence is worthy of immortalization: "Things should never be a certain way." (idealism is a futile trap)

    In all the folly of the modern movements, it's good to see some true heart and solid connection.

  10. @AliciaSoret says:

    I really really love this. :) Thank you! I have a wild one, and we are going on 8 years this year. Stronger than ever. #love #dali

  11. Kristen says:

    There is a great deal of difference between intimacy and physical proximity. One doesn’t have to be with someone every waking moment in order to know that they share a close, communicative, emotionally transformative relationship. I think some people assume that it isn’t love unless you want to spend every second of the day together, and that if you don’t, then the relationship isn’t real or deep. Every relationship is different and true love is made, not happened upon.

  12. Aura says:

    I agree on a lot of things in this article, but to be honest I feel annoyed( trying no to feel this way:):) but this is just another variation of then media ( flowers, chocolate …) article to tell me how I should love… here is so much -''do this , don't do that, think this then don't think that….'' are you an expert? …. anyway , thanks for sharing! Peace!!!!:):)

  13. Regina says:

    These are the kind of thoughts that kept me in a very unhealthy relationship for years, and I hope any young women happening to read this do not for a second take these kind of ideas as realistic. Because believe me, it isn't.

    "He is wild. He will retreat and bend and sweat over things you don’t understand. He will not glance up when you walk in the room, though you have put on his favorite dress and tied up your hair.
    You will stand in the doorway, leaning against the wooden frame, gazing at your lover so hopelessly lost in his other loves.
    And if you are strong (which we all are not), you will smile and become full of his passion and fervency."

    If dude ignores you when you are putting in effort for him, then he is AN ASSHOLE, PERIOD.

    It is certainly not "strength" to ignore your own needs and try to change who you are for him.

    "Be strong and delighted in someone so rare, understanding that conventional relationship advice may perhaps poison a bond so unique."

    Don't take advice from the older and the wiser? When someone with a lot more life experience than you is like HEY BY THE WAY THIS GUY IS A TOTAL LOSER, you should probably take that into consideration.

    As in all things, balance is important. I just feel like the title of this ill-conceived "advice" should be "How to Convince Yourself You are Happy Being Devalued in a Relationship." Which is what I tried to do for a long time, and I certainly did find my partner "lost in his other loves" which, namely, was getting laid on the side. Of course it's a good thing to have independent interests, but never at the expense of one partner feeling like their needs aren't being met. It's just bullshit to see so positive a spin put on such unhealthy behavior as a woman (OR a man) being called "weak" because they expect some sort of recognition or appreciation from their partner.

    This article was linked from another article about "loving wild women," a less offensive but still unrealistic piece of masturbatory relationship nonsense – No matter which gender dynamic we are talking about, if it doesn't feel healthy for you, it isn't.

    I have never in my life left a comment on an internet article, much less a negative one, but this hit so close to home that I couldn't' keep quiet. My outrage comes from thinking someone less experienced would take this thing to heart and waste years of their life, as I did, from this sort of thinking. I thought the EXACT same things in my past. Spoiler Alert: I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

    I am sure, as with everything, that this kind of dynamic would work for some people. But to give the impression that if you are "weak" because you feel like crying due to your partner's behavior and that that is somehow the "wrong" way to go about looking at the situation is shockingly irresponsible. I can see how you might conceivably have been trying to empower women, but in that case this article is just poorly written.

    To the author of this article, or to the website that published it, I mean no attack on personal character. But I do seriously beg you to take this article down.

    • Cathleen says:

      Regina, I agree with you wholeheartedly and was trying to formulate the words, I wouldn't change a thing about yours, so just say Well Done!

    • Natalie says:

      I have to disagree with you. While I can see where you are coming from, there are passionate, sometimes oblivious men with less than perfect relationship skills who are nonetheless loving and well-intentioned. "If dude ignores you when you are putting in effort for him, then he" may just be a man who is caught up in something at that moment. Have we not all experienced this? It happens. Give him a break. It's obvious this struck a personal chord with you, but I am in a relationship like this, and I am not being abused. There are times when he is hard on me, and there are times when he cherishes me. And it's similar with me. I project on him. I punish him. I am hard on him. Neither of us is perfect. And ALWAYS I see him trying his best to be a good man and a good partner. Maybe he fails sometimes, but don't we all.

    • Pati says:

      Regina, I didn't realize how much I needed to read your comment until I did. Thank you. Simply put, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. No need to idealize it or add meaning to feeling unappreciated. If he is my Prince, i NEED to be the Princess.

  14. Amy E says:

    The world is a rough, tough place. Shouldn't your partner and your home be an oasis, apart from the abrupt harshness of reality?

  15. Smaro D. says:

    I don't want any man to fix me or make me a better person. I want my man to love me for who i am and be there for me and stand next to me.If I want to be a better person i do it myself, it is not his job. Don't confuse love with manipulation and patronising. And acceptance should be both ways. Apologize for my english :)

  16. Disbelieving says:

    Seriously, ladies, Peter Pan boys (of all ages) are fun for a fling, and that’s why you were attracted. But please be careful not to hand your heart to a man who doesn’t want a serious relationship involving real intimacy, unless you want exactly this kind of treatment. (And if you do, possibly consider therapy.)

    The problem with this article is that it ignores, or the author has not yet experienced, the flip side of being with “that guy.” It’s being left waiting on the street or in a restaurant or ————– (fill in the blank) when he forgets, or just can’t get it together to meet you when he said he would. It’s standing by being ignored while he chats up someone that catches his attention. And I don’t mean a normal conversation with someone else that can also include you because you’re a part of things and you, too, have a valid voice, I mean the kind where you’re shut entirely out and any attempt to join in is turned upon you if you are some insignificant insect who is rudely butting in, and when you resent that, becomes an accusation of jealousy. It’s being constantly shown – not told – that would be too direct – but full-on-passive-aggressively shown – that he has plenty of other ladies who are more than willing to hang with him, and more, so don’t complain or he’ll be delighted to go hang, or more, with them instead.

    I had to actually resist the urge to gag while reading through this, because I once dated a confirmed musician, a guy very attached to the idea that as a musician he couldn’t have the love that he wanted because he had to be that kind of guy. And believe me, he wanted love. He suffered because he couldn’t allow himself to go with it or trust another person enough to show them the inside of his convoluted world. But nobody with a fully developed sense of dignity would allow themselves to be treated that way. And now, I can’t even be his friend, which is what I really wanted to be in the first place before getting sucked in by a full-on initial attack of courting and charm that withered and died when we really started getting to know each other. I just can’t bear to be around someone who has treated me that way. SO sad.

    (Don’t get too excited, I’m not tarring all musicians with the same brush – only the ones who think they must be such bad boys because they play an instrument, or sing, or even work with a band.)

    But it’s even sadder when these guys take women down with them, women who may not yet have full grasp of their own power and worth. It’s a lesson lots of women may learn the hard way. I hope at least a few read my words and those of the other commentators who had sensible things to say about this article, and spare themselves the pain.

  17. Anonny says:

    I know what kind of guy she's talking about. Maybe you have to have met one who innocently acts in the exact way she described, and in that case you just know that he's just like that. I have and it's amazingly frustrating if you don't come to terms with viewing love/affection from his perspective. You want the words, but he generally stays away from expressing emotion because he's just not a very outwardly feely, demonstrative guy. Now I do feel somewhat ashamed for being disillusioned by the movies; guilty as charged. Perhaps if you're just looking for affirmation of his feelings, try open communication and just ask/voice your concerns.

    Feeling sorry for yourself and thinking that it's not enough isn't the right approach. I am in agreement with the author's sentiment. A relationship is about give and take, and if the guy is a "Wild One", the woman can't realistically expect the attention she might have gotten from a more naturally "affectionate" man.

    If you know about MBTI types, what came to my mind while reading this was the INTP male. If you're looking for "stronger" displays of affection, that is, displays of affection deemed by society to be meaningful (like flowers, chocolate, and frequent words of love), search for an SF or maybe even NF type. They're much more common anyways.

  18. Anonny says:

    I know what kind of guy she's talking about. Maybe you have to have met one who innocently acts in the exact way she described, and in that case you just know that he's just like that. I have and it's amazingly frustrating if you don't come to terms with viewing love/affection from his perspective. You want the words, but he generally stays away from expressing emotion because he's just not a very outwardly feely, demonstrative guy. Now I do feel somewhat ashamed for being disillusioned by the movies

  19. elizabeth says:

    love what Regina said. I was also in this kind of "relationship" It's almost iike you're not even in one, because only one wants to actually relate. I can't even believe this horseshit was published here

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