One of the most important things I’ve learned in life, so far, is to question and analyze everything.

What I see. What I hear. Society. Human behavior. My self.

What I’ve realized is—it is very easy to point a finger at this society we live in. It is very easy to stand on a rock and think of ourselves as a different human being because we refuse to obey society’s rules.

Because we’re against consumerism.

Because we believe all living beings are created equal.

Because we’re against animal suffering.

Because we meditate and do yoga.

Because we want to achieve full realization of the self.

But, looking within ourselves with the same sharp look we use to judge and condemn society, that is a whole different story. Having an honest look at ourselves is probably one of the most difficult, most painful (and most liberating) things we’ll ever do.

Yes, I’ve learned to question everything about myself: my thoughts, my beliefs, my behavior, my feelings, even my speech. Everything. And I’ve come to realize there’s a big difference between who I would like to be, who I think I am and who I really am.

I’m vegan, yet sometimes when making crepes for my kid, I have a bite. Or two.

I’m against consumerism, but sometimes I walk into a store and buy an expensive bikini and a cute pair of shorts.

I try to live with an open heart every single day, but no matter how hard I try, there are people I just can’t love. People I can’t forgive. People I just can’t stand. People I avoid.

I practice yoga everyday, on and off the mat, but sometimes I just can’t tame my mind. And honestly, I don’t want to. I want to let it be. Just the way it is. Wild, tormented, restless.

And yes, sometimes I lie. Always to protect myself, never to hurt people. But that’s no excuse. A lie is a lie.

I preach non-attachment, yet I still have a hard time letting go (even if it gets easier with time).

Does this mean I’m some kind of hypocrite? Does this mean I lack integrity? Or does this mean I’m just human? Perfect in my own imperfections?

I don’t know. I have no answer to that. What I do know, is that: it’s all good.

No I’m not perfect, and yes, there’s plenty of room for improvement. Looking at myself with total honesty has taught me to accept who I am.

Life is a process.

I believe we live this life to become stronger, wiser, better people. So yes, I spend a lot of time in my head. Because I do, I know every single one of my flaws. I know where my inner demons hide. And I’m learning to correct them, tame them, one step at a time.

Sometimes I make one step forward, two steps backwards.

But it doesn’t matter, as long as I’m going in the right direction. And yes, I’ve also learned to be gentle with myself. There’s a lot of work to be done, and I’m pretty sure I’ll need a few more lives to achieve what needs to be achieved. But there is no need to rush.

What matters most is waking up in the morning being a better person than I was the day before.

 

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Apprentice Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock/Editor: Travis May

Photo: Justin McShane, daryls