I just gave solicited relationship advice to my friend about her affair with a married man and now she hates me.

She wanted to know how I, as a previously divorced woman, had the courage to walk out of my own marriage. Apparently, her paramour was thinking of doing the same and was finding it difficult to do so despite years of unhappiness.

I gave her advice but not the advice she was looking for.

I told her that she should run as fast as she could because she was too good for him. If she wanted to continue with that guy, she should wait five years until he had no more problems and his three kids were in college.

I told her that she deserves happy and uncomplicated. I even went on to suggest that—and here’s the clanger—maybe she actually liked relationships that were difficult and complicated.

What was I thinking?

People don’t like to be told what to do even when they ask for advice.

No one can really know what happens in other people’s lives. The irony is that we are so wrapped up in our own lives that we fail to see the obvious. Sometimes it takes a third party to see the situation with clarity. Or so that is what I thought.

I cared deeply about my friend and did not want to see her hurt. So, like an elephant in a porcelain shop, I charged in and issued a strong warning before she fell into the abyss.

Here’s when I should have paused and asked:

When was the last time you took anybody’s advice and actually acted upon it?

I know that the closer to home the advice is, the stronger the resistance.

Ten years ago, someone told me to reexamine my drinking habits.

Guess what I did? I got angry, didn’t speak to that person for a year and “showed them” by drinking even more!

I knew I needed to stop drinking completely. But I was afraid of change and it too was painful. I certainly didn’t need someone telling me what I already knew.

Eventually, I did give up drinking but it wasn’t because I had listened to my friend. It was because I learned the hard way and got sick of it all.

If I took time to think, I should have realised that my friend was already hurting. Playing the tough-love-agony-aunt was just so wrong.

When giving advice, you may feel that you are being kind and supremely helpful but to your friend, it’s seen as an irritating, patronising and arrogant spiel about how she should live her life.

The only way someone will take any advice is if they were already ready to receive it. In which case, they were probably well on the path to change anyway. Without your help.

So here’s my (ahem) advice on giving advice.

Just Listen: Your friend just wants a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board for her ideas. Let her speak and process.

Empathise: make agreeable statements (I hear you.., That must suck…)

Take cues from her: Laugh when she laughs, listen when she rants. Let her know you are on her side.

If appropriate, brainstorm possible solutions together but be sure to take cues from her.

Live By Example

Share your experiences with her only if it is relevant. Stress that this is what helped you but that her situation is different.

Always bring it back to her. Ask her what she thinks she should do.

In reality, no one is qualified to give advice because no one can really know what it feels like to be in someone else’s shoes. The only person that should take your brilliant advice is you. So live your best life and maybe, just maybe someone will be inspired and follow your example.

I’ll take that advice.

 

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Editor: Travis May

Photo: Calico