Step 1. Buy a laptop. If you don’t have any money, you can borrow one from your sister and work out a payment plan or steal one from your neighbor. It doesn’t matter how you get it because you are on your way to traveling and working 20 minutes a week to rake in millions. So screw everyone else in their normal, boring, not-living-up-to-their-true-potential-just-paying-the-bills real jobs. If only they knew that it’s so easy to make billions from bed.

Step 2. Become an expert in a niche market or topic. If you are wondering how to become an expert on something, refer to Step 4. Your expertise can be anything: brushing your teeth, making your bed, making money, “women’s topics”, shopping, parenting other people’s kids, self love (because let’s face it, you are not doing that right…at all…) or Pinterest-ing.

Step 3. Read Eat, Pray, Love and get in touch with your wild inner traveler.

Step 4. Pay someone else $40,000 to teach you how to market, grow your online following, hold ritzy workshops, create administrative “EASY” solutions, tackle your “PURPOSE” (like it’s running away from you), get crystal clear on your clients’ divine perfectness, get 1000 likes on Facebook, create an ingenius product based on the comments section of Amazon, build a captive audience who is ready to buy from you at any moment because “you get them”  and you are so popular.

Step 5. Purchase a luxury sports car. If you are going to be a mainstream laptop entrepreneur, you need that car to look the part and feel the part, though you don’t technically have to leave your couch. No money? No problem: the Law of Attraction states that all you need to do is think your way into the vortex of feeling good and, presto: let it come to you.

Step 6. Write massive amounts of content that has nothing to do with your actual product or service because, your career coach tells you, you are not selling a product or a service: you are selling “YOU”—your soul, your story, your experiences. That’s the platform to sell more, so you can buy your perfect dream home in Maui that your six children, nanny and husband can enjoy together while you keep writing about irrelevant stuff and building your “tribe”.

It is important that your story include the following points: a) Something bad happened to you at your top-notch well-paying corporate job; b) As a result of that, you had a come-to-Jesus moment and sought a different solution for your financial, emotional and mental problems; and, c) You became an overnight success as a result and you’re now ready to attract others to your tribe in order to “help” them lead the most profitable, pleasurable spiritual-self-in-a-human-body experience “EVER”.

Step 7. Congratulations: You are a success. And everyone knows it. The dollar signs in your bank account equate to all love in your heart, all the hot sex you have with your hot husband and all the lives you are changing because you finally stepped into your “PURPOSE”.

“NAMASTE”.

Author: Jennifer Lake

Editor: Caroline Beaton

Photo: Flickr