Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought: Who is this? This isn’t me. I am not myself anymore.

I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I feel absolutely unrecognizable to myself.

In this moment, nothing is as I would like it to be. Nothing seems to fit. My life no longer fits.

Who am I? Where am I going? What do I want?

The reflection in the mirror looks like me. It does. The same brown hair and eyes. The same nose, teeth, hands.

It looks like me. Yet, it can’t be.

Everything is different. I am so different. The journey to here has at times been treacherous. At times filled only with joy. It has been long.

Painful. Exhilarating. Slow.

The journey began over four years ago. I was so naïve. I had no idea I was about to embark on the greatest, most challenging and most drawn out phase of my life to date. During this time I’ve slowly but surely had to let go of all I thought made me…me.

Initially, I walked away from a career path that I realized didn’t fulfill me. Over the years there’s been so much more; friends, family, beliefs, ideas.

To start anew I’ve learned, one must first create space.

In all this time I’ve had no steady income, no home, and a life without anything even remotely resembling routine.  I’ve lived in a way most will only ever dream of. I’ve traveled for months at a time. I’ve lived in awesome cities. I studied, practiced and taught Reiki. I became an independent international consultant able to work from anywhere in the world. It’s been exciting and extraordinary. It’s also been harrowing.

The reflection in the mirror looks like me. But, it’s not.

The lines around my eyes, the scars on my face, are reminders of the journey.

As a consultant I thought I had what I wanted. I didn’t. The insecurity, the inability to be selective in the projects I took on, the lack of control I felt I had over my own life created a profound internal struggle between the me that wanted freedom and flight and the me that craved stability and passion-invoking work.

And so, the decision to find a job.  The beginning of yet another struggle as I finally acknowledged that, despite all my protests, despite the fear I felt about admitting the truth to myself, the work I’d been doing brought me no joy.

A slight pallor rather than the usual sun-kissed glow. A tell-tale sign of this, the latest struggle.

The final link remaining to the life I once led, a life I had purposefully created, then severed.

I look like me. I am not me.

Constantly the thought:

I look like me. I am not me.

Constantly the questions:

Where did I go? Who will I become? What do I do now?

And then I remember the story of the phoenix rising from the ashes. That is me in this moment. I died.

It really felt like I did.

All that I was, all that I thought I was, all of it changed. Vanished. Became nothing. Meant nothing.

Who was I without it? Was there anything left? What did I have to offer the world now?

Death, I realize, is merely an illusion of change.

I am still me amongst all my brilliant, cracked and shattered dreams. Amidst the rubble, amidst the ruin and devastation, there I stand.

Born anew. From the ashes I reinvent myself. I become an updated version of myself. A version that complements all that no longer is.

The version that learned and let go. That expanded and contracted. The version that has space for all the parts of me: the parts that broke and mended; the gaps that once were home to parts no longer needed; the shiny, new parts that will help me continue my journey; and the parts that remain intact despite the tornado that came raging unexpectedly through my life.

And the thought: I am me. I am a new me.

And the answer: I didn’t go anywhere, I simply shed all that was weighing me down. I have become the next best version of myself.

I didn’t always see it this way.

At first, all I could see was the destruction. What was no longer there. I felt lost and afraid. I felt cheated. The journey had been so hard and all I could see was death and devastation.

I was caught in the void. I had to get out of it. But, how?

Slowly. Gently. With great discernment. With courage and an unwavering belief in my ability to do it.

And so the process of rediscovery began again.

What do I want now? What is important to me now? What remains?

The journey to the next step, the next chapter, I have come to see as a process of creation. I am nothing. I allowed myself to become nothing. Now, I can become whoever and whatever I want to be.

Both scary and exciting. I will not let fear allow me to settle for anything less than the spectacular. I will see this hero’s journey to the end, to stage the next great return.

I am strong. I am weak.I am determined and brave. I am vulnerable. I move forward using all that I have learned to continue to fulfill my mission on this planet.

When I think I am not me anymore. I simply remember I am always me. Same, same but different.

 

Relephant Read:

When Things Fall Apart: The Practice

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Author: Bianca Marks

Editor: Renee Jahnke

Photo: Unsplash/Pixabay