Ever read one of those How to Love a blablablablablablablabla Girl articles? Or How to Date a blalblblblalalblabl Girl? This one’s for you. (You probably know this girl.)

How to Love a Narcissistic Smartphone-addled Trustafarian Immature Childwoman.

First, send her elephantjournal.com, MindBodyGreen, Huff Post…get her to subscribe to their cheesey saccharine bullshit Love sections

then, tell her to stare at her phone instead of the open sky

remind her to read said articles on her phone instead of looking at the trees, or the homeless, or the passerby

if she reads enough, she’ll miss out on life entirely

and that’s what she wants

that’s what she needs

because she’s immature and she doesn’t know it

she doesn’t want to know it

she wants to shop

at Lululemon, Whole Foods

she doesn’t even want to own anything: she just wants to shop

because she’s so bored

and no matter how much she fills the space of her life with her smartphone and her fake friends

gaps of insecurity, of raw heart, shine through

and, thanks to those fucking newsletters from those stupid sites with their trash advice, she labels such moments as

“toxic”

and ignores them

instead, filling her Instagram with fake happy moments

fake smiles

and shopping

at night, with her fake boyfriend, watching fake romcoms on netflix

she remembers a time when she was unselfconscious

when she looked at the world, not herself

when the thought of a long summer’s day filled her with joy, not hashtags

so if you meet this woman: buy her a facking Pema Chodron book

send her to a meditation retreat

let her detox her mind

from consumerism, and selfism

and let her rediscover her fundamentally beautiful self

let her grow again like a facking flower, briefly snowed under

remind her that she doesn’t need bullshit blogs about relationships

she just needs to facking grow up.