Yes, I am speaking to you.

I am speaking to myself as well. It is time to let some stuff go.

In my few short years working with young adults in a counseling setting, I realized some unifying themes about the human condition. One of which is that we each hold impossibly high standards for ourselves.

I have worked with males and females who could not forgive themselves for staying in unhealthy relationships for as long as they did. Plagued by the fact that they could have left earlier. Spiralling into self-doubt and asking what was wrong with me or why I wasn’t I strong enough to leave sooner.

I have been there too.

I sat with people as they worked through the pressure of acing every exam and project. Punishing themselves when their own expectations were not met. Questioning their intelligence and purpose because of some unexpected negative feedback.

I have been there too.

A client brought tears to my eyes who could not offer much assistance to a sick family member because of other obligations.

I am sure I will one day be there as well.

Here is a simple truth. We cannot be pulled in twenty directions at the same time and expect to flourish in each area. It is not possible.

Here is another simple truth. We aren’t perfect.

We have flaws, we make mistakes, we set resolutions and break them before the sun goes down, we overreact, we under react and we hurt others—but we also hurt ourselves when we let all of our ‘short-comings’ pile up in our minds.

So I am asking you to forgive yourself, to practice some self-compassion, a concept originally researched and defined by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. I am asking you to speak to yourself as if you were comforting your best friend, to fill your heart with kindness and love because you deserve it.

Practicing self-compassion allows us to formulate a mindset that when practiced enough, becomes a part of who we are. It allows us to get better at genuinely letting things go.

Here are the two key steps:

1. Openly admit, without reservation or censorship, what we are carrying around that is causing us discontentment.

I have been embarrassed by actions in the past. I know that when this happens, I try to change the script in my head. I try to convince myself that the story unfolded differently.

But who does this help? No one.

It has been of more benefit to me to just recognize what happened in its entirety. Say it out loud to myself. Write it down. Sit with it for a few seconds. Let it be uncomfortable.

2. Find a way to let it go.

Sometimes I find that setting out to do something positive allows me to replace my negative action or behavior, it reinstates the balance—the equilibrium. Then I let it go.
Most of the time though, there is nothing to replace. I am simply being too hard on myself, maybe setting expectations that I simply cannot meet or getting swept away in what someone else thinks.

This is when I need to implement some positive self-talk. This is when I remind myself that I am allowed to be human. I decide to be okay with being myself, unapologetically.

The key is to spend some real time with ourselves to reflect on what is bothering us. When we try to ignore it instead, we usually fail. It sits in the back of our mind, creeping in when we don’t really want it there—causing us hurt or anxiety, laying the foundation for more things to pile on top of it.

We must accept it, forgive it and move forward.

Sometimes we will walk into a room and forget why we went in there. Sometimes we will speak too quickly and want to eat back up our words.

Sometimes we will look back on a day and realize we barely held it together.

It is okay. We aren’t perfect.

Take some time to reflect on what has been nagging you—and then practice some self-compassion. Forgive yourself.

Life is too crazy to be your own worst enemy.

 

 

 

Author: Alissa Lastres

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: muterach at Flickr