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June 4, 2015

Father not Relating to Adopted Son, Likely Due to Race. {Weekly Advice Column}

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Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected].

I look forward to hearing from you!

~ Erica

~

Dear Erica,

I am a mom in my mid thirties; both of my children are adopted. My husband is Greek and when we found out I couldn’t have children, he and his entire family were devastated.

Family is very important to them. I was sad, but had always had the idea to adopt in the back of my head, so I kind of took it as a sign from God that this is the way we should go.

My husband and I adopted a beautiful baby boy from Malawi who is now 4 years old (he is black) and a little girl from Tolyatti, Russia (who is blonde haired and blue eyed). They are both sweet and charming and everything I could ask for in a child. I love them dearly.

The problem is, I don’t think my husband feels the same way.

He was always stoic around our son from the minute we brought him home, but I just chalked that up to his personality—he is not an overly demonstrative man. But things changed when we brought our daughter home—he seemed to come to life. He treats the children very differently.

With our son he is very strict and demanding, often shouting at him to “make eye contact”. He nitpicks about every little thing, nagging him about not cleaning up messes, turning off lights and “talking back” to him (he doesn’t talk back to him—he is only four!)

With our daughter he is all hugs and kisses. She can do whatever she wants and he never gets upset, just shrugs and laughs and says, “she’s going to make someone miserable someday!” but in a joking way that we know is not serious. He buys her toys and outfits constantly, and loves to take her out, just the two of them, and show her off to all the relatives.

I have been trying to downplay my discomfort with his behavior, but I overheard him say something the other day which really bothered me. We were at his mother’s house, and the children and I were in the TV room. He and his mother were in the kitchen talking and I clearly heard him say, “(Our daughter) looks like an “original Greek” (by which he means ancient Greeks—he often tells me I look like an original Greek too, because of my blonde hair). “But the other one is as black as the ace of spades.”

My heart just sank. I took the kids down in the basement so they couldn’t hear the rest of what I assumed were more racist comments to come. (My husband’s parents often say very racist things, which he just laughs off.)

I have no idea what to do. If I talk to my husband about this he’ll just deny that he’s treating anyone differently, and if I bring up what I heard he’ll say something like, “well he is as black as the ace of spades.”

How can I make him understand how hurtful his behavior is before it damages my son for life? I don’t want him growing up thinking that his father doesn’t love him because he is black.

—Anxious Mom

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Dear Anxious Mom,

What a wonderful thing it is for you to have adopted your children and to have done so with an open heart and mind. Unfortunately, your husband doesn’t seem to be handling your new family very well.

You say you haven’t spoken with your husband about any of this yet because you know how he’ll react and what he’ll say—but maybe he will surprise you. He may be oblivious to is behavior and the effect it is having. Give him a chance to do better.

You say, “Husband, I notice that you treat the kids very differently from one another, and that troubles me. Can we work on treating them more equally so they both know they are loved? Also, I think we need to be more aware of the challenges our son faces as a child of African descent in our family. I’d like to institute a strict no-rascim policy in our home and around our kids.” Then, if he “accidentally” says something racist, you have laid the groundwork to put a stop to it.

To begin to make this change, you can involve him and the kids in celebrating all the different cultures your family now encompasses, including your husband’s. Cook regional food, read books about your children’s birthplaces and the places of your and your husband’s ethnic background, go to relevant museum exhibits and listen to the music of everyone’s homeland. This will educate all of you and honor your differences while strengthening your bonds as a group.

Also, explain to your husband that you will not tolerate racist comments from his parents anymore. He may choose to speak with them himself, but even if he doesn’t, you can plan to leave their home peaceably anytime such words are uttered. Tell him in advance that this is what you are going to do, and that is is not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings, but merely to remove the children from a negative environment.

Finally, let me say that your son is not the only child at risk here. You daughter will suffer from the imbalance in your home as well, in ways it may take years to understand. As I think you know, your priority should be your kids health and well being, and you’ll need to be willing to face these issues head on to have any chance of raising them to be happy, well adjusted adults.

For more information about the steps you can take, visit BuildingYourFamily.com.

~

~

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Dear Erica,

I am a thirteen year old girl and I think I might be gay. I feel attracted to my best friend, but I don’t think she feels the same way. I think about her all the time.

I live in a conservative community where being gay isn’t so acceptable. I could never tell my parents. They would probably make me got to therapy or drag me to church.

Also, I’m not sure that I’m only attracted to girls because I’ve had crushes on boys, too. I haven’t done anything more than kiss anybody. It’s confusing.

How should I deal with these feelings? Should I tell my girlfriend or just bottle them inside so I don’t ruin the friendship?

—Might Be Gay

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Dear Might Be,

Human sexuality is not black and white. Rather, it occurs on a spectrum. You are finding yourself somewhere in the middle, a not uncommon place to be.

Before “coming out” to your friend, allow yourself the time to grow and mature. You may find that you are gay, straight or bisexual. No matter what you determine,  you may also find that as you get older acting on your feelings—whatever they may be—becomes easier.

In the meantime, seeking out someone you trust to talk to about your feelings would help a lot. A school counselor would be a great place to start. You mention that your parents might take you to therapy. Perhaps you could express to them a wish to go citing nothing more than “confused feelings”, and find some comfort and clarity there.

No matter what you do, know that you are normal. Thirteen is a tough age under the best of circumstances—things will get easier!

~

Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Alli Sarazen

Photo: Phillipe Pit/Flickr & David Urbanke/Flickr

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